(I'll throw the story in here, in case you don't want to download it! Feedback is always appreciated, and more will be available soon! There's also going to be a comic available soon, with chances to have your character cameo in it from time to time, so stay tuned for that!)
Ascension
A bell sounded as the swinging door to the bar swung open. Not many turned to see who came in, seeing as it was a busy town. Slowly and keeping as quiet as possible, the creature that had opened the door stalked to the bar counter. “Ah, Cloud…here for a drink or are you looking for some information?” the bartender said in his rough, hush voice. “Neither, as a matter of fact. You know that job you wanted me to do, with the bandits? Well, it turns out the bandits were doing more than just robbing your bar. They robbed and killed many others. So because I took care of them, the bank wanted to thank me with a hefty amount of coin...but I refused. So much for an under the table deal, eh?” Cloud replied with a smug look on his face. The tiger looked a bit surprised. “What did they do instead?” he asked. Cloud flashed a toothy grin and simply gestured to the door. The tiger, still confused and a little wary, made his way to the door and peeked outside. Quickly, he shut the door and ran back over to the smiling folf. “Wh...wha...what did you do!? There are soldiers everywhere! I thought I could trust you, Cloud!” the tiger stammered. “Why did you betray me!?” he demanded, still keeping a hush voice as to not draw too much attention. The folf simply smiled again and stood up. “You didn’t look clearly did you, Clyde? I didn’t betray you, those soldiers are escorting something for you. Take another look” he said as he began to walk with the tiger back to the doorway. Once they arrived, Cloud opened the door and let Clyde take a glance at what was really outside. “...I don’t see anything…” Clyde said slowly. Cloud grinned and took Clyde further outside and nodded to the soldiers. The soldiers smiled and nodded, stepping aside and revealing a carriage with a tarp thrown on top. Quickly, the guards grabbed hold of the tarp and yanked it off, revealing neatly placed mugs and plates, all with an extravagant design. Clydes eyes widened and he quickly began to inspect all of the tableware. He quickly noticed each of them had their own unique design and features. One plate would feature beautiful red and blue roses with vines and thorns, then the next would have the design of a dragon’s skin. Clyde’s eyes gleamed with excitement and joy, turning to Cloud and giving him a quick hug. “Thank you so much! This china is very nice, it shall definitely make a fine addition to the pub. I’ll definitely be using this for years to come” he said with a smile. With that, he placed all the tableware in the crates and began carrying them inside, two at a time. Cloud smiled and began helping with the relocating of the items.
Once the two finished transferring the contents of the carriage to the pub, Cloud announced he was going to be leaving town and won’t be back for a while, to which Clyde acknowledged and thanked him once more. With Cloud having taken care of the bandits, Clyde no longer had to worry about theft. However, when he heard a commotion outside his door, Clyde quickly padded out to see what was happening. “Clyde! I suppose you don’t need to worry about bandits anymore….they’re all dead…” A guard said to Clyde with a worried tone. Before Clyde could answer however, the guard began again. “They’re not only dead....but they were skinned alive and left to die…” muttered the guard. Clyde, wide eyed, could only stammer one word. “...What…?”
The trails were long and covered in undergrowth, causing Cloud to stumble forwards every once in awhile. With the issues in the town resolved, he could set out on his journey back to his little hideout. After all, someone was waiting for him. While he walked, his mind couldn’t help but wander back to when he fought the bandits. First there was anger, then overconfidence, then fear, then struggle, then….nothing. He remembered how they looked at him first, then the look in their eyes when they realized the mistake they had made. Cloud didn’t know what to think of it, he believed he didn’t like taking lives, but he couldn’t help but acknowledge he felt something else. Something much darker than he wanted to admit. Cloud tried to clear his head by giving it a good shake. It helped a little bit, so he sighed and trekked onward.
Soon a small tent came into view to the side of the trail, hidden in the foliage and trees. Cloud smiled and began to pick up the pace. Stepping off the trail, he had to watch where he put his footing as to not trip and fall. When he neared the tent, a small, shy voice made itself heard. “Cloud…? That’s you right?” it said. “Yeah, it’s me. Sorry for taking a while, wanna open it up so I can get in?” Cloud said with a smirk. “Y...yeah!” the voice said. There was a shuffling, followed by the door to the tent opening. On the other side of the door, a small, white wolf stood. He had blue eyes, one with a black star like mark, and a shy smile. This was nothing new to Cloud though, seeing as he travelled with this figure constantly. “Shiro” Cloud said once the door was opened. “Did anything happen while I was gone?”. “Nope, but I figured out I can draw cute little designs with my personal sized portals!” Shiro replied. Cloud couldn’t help but smirk a bit when hearing the enthusiasm in Shiro’s voice. “I’d love to see it before we leave then!” he replied. As he climbed into the tent and laid down, Shiro sat across from him. “Did you find anything useful while you were there Cloud?” Shiro asked. Cloud waited a moment and thought back. “I’ve got nothing, they never saw anyone fitting the description. Are you one hundred percent sure that your father looks like you?” Cloud replied. Shiro sighed and flopped himself over to one side, his hair sprawling across his face. “It’s only been a year, Shiro. We’ll find him. If he looks exactly like you, then maybe I should start bringing you with me. Who’s really going to care if you look like your father, there’s no real reason to be hiding out” Cloud said with an emotionless tone, to which Shiro sighed again and sat himself up. “You know I won’t do that, especially when I hate being around people” Shiro said as he watched Cloud. It was then Shiro noticed the blood coating Cloud’s fur and hair. “Hey Cloud….you didn’t kill some of the townspeople right…?” Shiro asked cautiously. “No, I did a job for them by taking care of the bandits that were raiding them” Cloud said with a smirk. Shiro didn’t have to ask anything else, he already knew what Cloud would say. He’d say it all happened so quickly, he didn’t know quite what happened. He’d say it was all a blur as to blow off what happened and spare Shiro’s interest. It always worked, and Shiro knew it. However, with the opportunity of accompanying Cloud while going to different towns, not only will they have a visual reference when looking for his father, he’ll be able to see what happens to Cloud exactly during enemy encounters. However, to see that, Shiro would have to overcome his fear of others. It wouldn’t be too hard for him, it’s just that he fears doing something stupid in front of others. Soon, Shiro spoke to Cloud. “Hey, Cloud. Could I….join you in the next town…?” he said, acting rather worried. Cloud, being all rested up and smiling again, nodded and patted Shiro on the head. “Alright, I’ll take you with me. Just make sure you’re ok with it before we get there, alright?” Cloud said as he climbed out of the tent. “Now get everything cleaned up in there, we’re travelling by night” he ordered. Shiro, grumbling about having to travel when he would normally sleep, began to pack everything up. “Don’t worry, this will be one of the only nights I ask you to stay up, you’ll miss out on something amazing if you don’t” Cloud called out to Shiro as he was packing up everything outside of the tent. Shiro’s ears perked up a bit as he began wondering what it was that he could possibly be missing if he slept. The thought bugged him, but he wasn’t hindered by it.
It wasn’t very long until it started to get dark. Cloud, having packed up the tent and cleaned up any loose supplies and such, was ready to go along with Shiro. “Alright Shiro, I want to make it to the next town in time for breakfast, so let’s leave now” Cloud said as he pulled his pack over his shoulder. Shiro, who was catching up on all the sleep he’ll be missing, slowly go up. “B...it’s not dark yet…” he complained. “Actually it’s getting darker now, by the time we’re away from this town it’ll be plenty dark for you” Cloud teased. Quickly, Cloud hauled Shiro to his feet. “Fine...let’s go then” he muttered. So the two of them began walking.
Ascension
A bell sounded as the swinging door to the bar swung open. Not many turned to see who came in, seeing as it was a busy town. Slowly and keeping as quiet as possible, the creature that had opened the door stalked to the bar counter. “Ah, Cloud…here for a drink or are you looking for some information?” the bartender said in his rough, hush voice. “Neither, as a matter of fact. You know that job you wanted me to do, with the bandits? Well, it turns out the bandits were doing more than just robbing your bar. They robbed and killed many others. So because I took care of them, the bank wanted to thank me with a hefty amount of coin...but I refused. So much for an under the table deal, eh?” Cloud replied with a smug look on his face. The tiger looked a bit surprised. “What did they do instead?” he asked. Cloud flashed a toothy grin and simply gestured to the door. The tiger, still confused and a little wary, made his way to the door and peeked outside. Quickly, he shut the door and ran back over to the smiling folf. “Wh...wha...what did you do!? There are soldiers everywhere! I thought I could trust you, Cloud!” the tiger stammered. “Why did you betray me!?” he demanded, still keeping a hush voice as to not draw too much attention. The folf simply smiled again and stood up. “You didn’t look clearly did you, Clyde? I didn’t betray you, those soldiers are escorting something for you. Take another look” he said as he began to walk with the tiger back to the doorway. Once they arrived, Cloud opened the door and let Clyde take a glance at what was really outside. “...I don’t see anything…” Clyde said slowly. Cloud grinned and took Clyde further outside and nodded to the soldiers. The soldiers smiled and nodded, stepping aside and revealing a carriage with a tarp thrown on top. Quickly, the guards grabbed hold of the tarp and yanked it off, revealing neatly placed mugs and plates, all with an extravagant design. Clydes eyes widened and he quickly began to inspect all of the tableware. He quickly noticed each of them had their own unique design and features. One plate would feature beautiful red and blue roses with vines and thorns, then the next would have the design of a dragon’s skin. Clyde’s eyes gleamed with excitement and joy, turning to Cloud and giving him a quick hug. “Thank you so much! This china is very nice, it shall definitely make a fine addition to the pub. I’ll definitely be using this for years to come” he said with a smile. With that, he placed all the tableware in the crates and began carrying them inside, two at a time. Cloud smiled and began helping with the relocating of the items.
Once the two finished transferring the contents of the carriage to the pub, Cloud announced he was going to be leaving town and won’t be back for a while, to which Clyde acknowledged and thanked him once more. With Cloud having taken care of the bandits, Clyde no longer had to worry about theft. However, when he heard a commotion outside his door, Clyde quickly padded out to see what was happening. “Clyde! I suppose you don’t need to worry about bandits anymore….they’re all dead…” A guard said to Clyde with a worried tone. Before Clyde could answer however, the guard began again. “They’re not only dead....but they were skinned alive and left to die…” muttered the guard. Clyde, wide eyed, could only stammer one word. “...What…?”
The trails were long and covered in undergrowth, causing Cloud to stumble forwards every once in awhile. With the issues in the town resolved, he could set out on his journey back to his little hideout. After all, someone was waiting for him. While he walked, his mind couldn’t help but wander back to when he fought the bandits. First there was anger, then overconfidence, then fear, then struggle, then….nothing. He remembered how they looked at him first, then the look in their eyes when they realized the mistake they had made. Cloud didn’t know what to think of it, he believed he didn’t like taking lives, but he couldn’t help but acknowledge he felt something else. Something much darker than he wanted to admit. Cloud tried to clear his head by giving it a good shake. It helped a little bit, so he sighed and trekked onward.
Soon a small tent came into view to the side of the trail, hidden in the foliage and trees. Cloud smiled and began to pick up the pace. Stepping off the trail, he had to watch where he put his footing as to not trip and fall. When he neared the tent, a small, shy voice made itself heard. “Cloud…? That’s you right?” it said. “Yeah, it’s me. Sorry for taking a while, wanna open it up so I can get in?” Cloud said with a smirk. “Y...yeah!” the voice said. There was a shuffling, followed by the door to the tent opening. On the other side of the door, a small, white wolf stood. He had blue eyes, one with a black star like mark, and a shy smile. This was nothing new to Cloud though, seeing as he travelled with this figure constantly. “Shiro” Cloud said once the door was opened. “Did anything happen while I was gone?”. “Nope, but I figured out I can draw cute little designs with my personal sized portals!” Shiro replied. Cloud couldn’t help but smirk a bit when hearing the enthusiasm in Shiro’s voice. “I’d love to see it before we leave then!” he replied. As he climbed into the tent and laid down, Shiro sat across from him. “Did you find anything useful while you were there Cloud?” Shiro asked. Cloud waited a moment and thought back. “I’ve got nothing, they never saw anyone fitting the description. Are you one hundred percent sure that your father looks like you?” Cloud replied. Shiro sighed and flopped himself over to one side, his hair sprawling across his face. “It’s only been a year, Shiro. We’ll find him. If he looks exactly like you, then maybe I should start bringing you with me. Who’s really going to care if you look like your father, there’s no real reason to be hiding out” Cloud said with an emotionless tone, to which Shiro sighed again and sat himself up. “You know I won’t do that, especially when I hate being around people” Shiro said as he watched Cloud. It was then Shiro noticed the blood coating Cloud’s fur and hair. “Hey Cloud….you didn’t kill some of the townspeople right…?” Shiro asked cautiously. “No, I did a job for them by taking care of the bandits that were raiding them” Cloud said with a smirk. Shiro didn’t have to ask anything else, he already knew what Cloud would say. He’d say it all happened so quickly, he didn’t know quite what happened. He’d say it was all a blur as to blow off what happened and spare Shiro’s interest. It always worked, and Shiro knew it. However, with the opportunity of accompanying Cloud while going to different towns, not only will they have a visual reference when looking for his father, he’ll be able to see what happens to Cloud exactly during enemy encounters. However, to see that, Shiro would have to overcome his fear of others. It wouldn’t be too hard for him, it’s just that he fears doing something stupid in front of others. Soon, Shiro spoke to Cloud. “Hey, Cloud. Could I….join you in the next town…?” he said, acting rather worried. Cloud, being all rested up and smiling again, nodded and patted Shiro on the head. “Alright, I’ll take you with me. Just make sure you’re ok with it before we get there, alright?” Cloud said as he climbed out of the tent. “Now get everything cleaned up in there, we’re travelling by night” he ordered. Shiro, grumbling about having to travel when he would normally sleep, began to pack everything up. “Don’t worry, this will be one of the only nights I ask you to stay up, you’ll miss out on something amazing if you don’t” Cloud called out to Shiro as he was packing up everything outside of the tent. Shiro’s ears perked up a bit as he began wondering what it was that he could possibly be missing if he slept. The thought bugged him, but he wasn’t hindered by it.
It wasn’t very long until it started to get dark. Cloud, having packed up the tent and cleaned up any loose supplies and such, was ready to go along with Shiro. “Alright Shiro, I want to make it to the next town in time for breakfast, so let’s leave now” Cloud said as he pulled his pack over his shoulder. Shiro, who was catching up on all the sleep he’ll be missing, slowly go up. “B...it’s not dark yet…” he complained. “Actually it’s getting darker now, by the time we’re away from this town it’ll be plenty dark for you” Cloud teased. Quickly, Cloud hauled Shiro to his feet. “Fine...let’s go then” he muttered. So the two of them began walking.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 100 x 120px
File Size 41.4 kB
Listed in Folders
Well, you have a solid style that can flow through dialogue and description well.
You have some weakness in character description and environment description. Fleshing these out with sensory detail can help the work come to life more. Don’t forget the strength of the anthropomorphic genre. You have extra sensory and character depth to work with.
For dialogue, make a new paragraph for every change in speaker. This makes dialogue easier to follow and clears up the work.
The ugly: There is a relationship between you, the work you are writing, and your audience.
We have the avatar you chose and represent here as an author as cloud, than cloud the character in the work. It hurts the suspension of disbelief and the relationship between author, text, and audience. Why does the audience want to read a story about you or “your” character. The level of conflict and sense of danger also becomes compromised in this.
Of course, it is your story up for you to decide. This is the hurtle of developing stronger stories and developing as a writer.
Asking questions as you write? DO things make sense? How does it involve that relationship between audience, text, and author, etc.
Good luck.
You have some weakness in character description and environment description. Fleshing these out with sensory detail can help the work come to life more. Don’t forget the strength of the anthropomorphic genre. You have extra sensory and character depth to work with.
For dialogue, make a new paragraph for every change in speaker. This makes dialogue easier to follow and clears up the work.
The ugly: There is a relationship between you, the work you are writing, and your audience.
We have the avatar you chose and represent here as an author as cloud, than cloud the character in the work. It hurts the suspension of disbelief and the relationship between author, text, and audience. Why does the audience want to read a story about you or “your” character. The level of conflict and sense of danger also becomes compromised in this.
Of course, it is your story up for you to decide. This is the hurtle of developing stronger stories and developing as a writer.
Asking questions as you write? DO things make sense? How does it involve that relationship between audience, text, and author, etc.
Good luck.
Thanks so much for your feedback! Throughout all of my writing, no one actually gave me that. However, there are two things I'd like to touch on from the feedback quickly. The first is a simple mistake that you didn't know about, the cover right now is of Shiro, due to the lack of having a proper cover art for the story. The second is that I for some reason hate making new paragraphs for dialogue, it's something I can't do with ease. One other thing is that it's not just my characters, mine were just to ease the story into place ^^"
However, I love the feedback you've given me and I'll definitely put it into action. I look forward to fixing my mistakes.
However, I love the feedback you've given me and I'll definitely put it into action. I look forward to fixing my mistakes.
Your welcome
"The second is that I for some reason hate making new paragraphs for dialogue"
Just hit the enter key when someone is done talking. It will become habit in time. No publisher is going to take that mistake, and editors are going to make a killing with a "really now" face.
"The second is that I for some reason hate making new paragraphs for dialogue"
Just hit the enter key when someone is done talking. It will become habit in time. No publisher is going to take that mistake, and editors are going to make a killing with a "really now" face.
FA+

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