Your bedside manner is alarming. If making jokes about his diet will get him to improve go for it.

Well, he's on medication now and started eating breakfast, so he seems to be taking it seriously.

Hey that's what friends are for...uh...wait...lemme check.....ummm.."teasing in time of suffering"...uhh.."..laughing at their stupid desisions..."...Yep..That is INDEED what friends are for!! CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU ARE A TRUE FRIEND!!!

*Taken from "How to be a TRUE Friend for Dummies 5th ed!"
There was also something in there about stealing all their cheese but I didn't understand that.

Meh, he never has any good cheese anyway.

I havent been to the doctor in like 10 years. Sometimes I think that its a short sighted, irresponsible way to live. But then I just go watch TV.

Watch out for Bernie Geotz!

...the lunatic who shot three people on the subway in the 80s?

Ayup...

Hey, I'm going in for my first colonoscopy in a week+. But they drug you senseless for that, so I dunno how much material I'll be able to harvest from it.

They do? My friend had to take a camera up the ass and they didnt sedate him. Or maybe they did, I zoned out when he started talking about invasive medical procedures.