Read it. Epic. Pity Chaos Croc turns into a Mary Sue near the end.

the Story belong to Kirisha, did you not read the info below the cover, it on every page to.

I know.

I just finished reading the entire story from beginning to end in their gallery.

I do appreciate the reading and critique of the novel. Though it is the rough draft and I did spend sometime with the current unposted version. (still needs a bit of tweaking). Though how it would end was a bit of debate for myself. I always appreciate comments and feedback.

Okay, then having the entire story, let me give some feedback.
And I am OVERJOYED that you aren't being overly defensive about your work and want actual feed back.

First, I appreciate the political realities that are present in the story.

People on the other side of the world not really giving a damn what's going on in some other country.
Innocent civilians being made to suffer for the crime of long dead or ancient war criminals.
The political back stabbing and the military coup and blaming it on the enemy.
Crisis and even those she recruited not being seen as sapient, alive, or people, and therefore, equipment to be destroyed a treaty violation.
Chaos Croc being believed to be a glorified smoke screen to some who are JUST THAT USE to political backstabbing.
A power mad dictator who when the current isn't even over yet is scheming for the next one.
AND LOTS OF PEOPLE who are busy fighting the LAST war when the CURRENT WAR rages towards them.
Those who think 'meh, they deserve it, it's happening to them because they're BAD people, won't happen to us because we're GOOD people.'
That fact that all the nations are divided among species suggest a very tribal culture still exists under the surface.
the military seizing power as their country collapses.

This all carries the weight of a true and sincere REAL WAR. Not just the fighting and dying, but those FAR AWAY fro the front lines who are the ones making the decisions for those who are fighting and dying!

I loved how Crisis matured and evolved as a person through the entire story.

Also, the bit with Chaos Croc's city being pretty untouched and then blasted out when taking it back from him REALLY reminds me of cities in WWII that were bombed out to liberate them from the Axis powers!

I love how her love interest stayed loyal to her through thick and thin through EVERYTHING but still reasoned with her.

And I loved how Crisis and Karrie had to ultimately become one person rather than conflicting with each other.

And I loved the justification given for Karrie doing what she did, (using herself to create Crisis) and the dramatic irony of Crisis not knowing about Karrie, but our love interest always able to see the traits in her that Karrie left that she felt would be needed to save the world from Croc.

And I do appreciate the idea of the general, using Croc's unfinished mind control device to take over the world for himself, and wanting to return to the third reich fantasy days in fell swoop. AND have the nasty back up plan of starting a good old fashioned war anyway.

And him having a back up command inside Crisis to override her personality... The reasons he comes up with work, and it fits his insane idea that he hoped to conquer the world AFTER the alien invasion was over.

I also REALLY appreciate how this is taking place, IN A WHOLE WORLD, with different cultures, beliefs, and goals. And we don't have it crammed down our throats all at once, and we learn what we NEED to learn to keep the story going.

I also appreciate the layers of lies that go around 'for the greater good.'

BTW: congratulations on the fast pace, THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT in any story! Slow pace can and does kill a lot of stories! Be proud that you were able to keep the pace high and the progress VISIBLE to the readers in every chapter! CONGRATULATIONS! Also congrats on FINISHING the story! Few actually finish stories. And BIGGER congrats and keep your epic SMALLER than 40 chapters!!!! You didn't let it spiral out of control and get bogged down in tiny details.

Now... for stuff I didn't like.

First, as a I said, Chaos Croc REALLY became a Mary Sue after his death is revealed not only to have been irrelevant, but that EVERY SINGLE THING from beginning to end in Crisis' spying mission was completely orchestrated and monitored and manipulate by Croc! Every single random even was part of his plan! (Right down to Crisis' friendship with Hana.).

And Maria... she isn't even brought up after the end of the story... she's brainwashed and robotized... and that's it... she's used as another thing for the heroes to be angry about, but she's never shown on screen again. It feels more like she was 'taken out of the way' because she couldn't go exposing the truth of Crisis' activation, but the heroes at that point were too sympathetic to the reader to do so, so we had Francis do it FOR them, and since he's evil, it's fine narrative wise for him to get her out of the story.

Also... Tails-Ko, we see that she's scheming against him in some form or another, such as keeping Crisis' arrival in the city a secret, but this all turns out to be a glorified red herring. and we never learn if she was ACTING when she killed Croc, since given that he said he's done this data transfer before, that she'd KNOW ABOUT IT... or several WOULD know about it given Croc has been destroyed before. If she was in on the scheme, LYING to Croc makes no sense. If she wasn't, she'd have warned about Croc's extra bodies. And we never see what happens to her after Croc's return.

Also.. it feels odd that Crisis would ENJOY chopping up C-012, when it's outright stated that he was OPPOSING the 'real villain' and as it turns out, he had GOOD REASON for not wanting Crisis activate yet, since it turns out she DID end up almost conquering the world for the monster in their own nation.

Also, on a minor note, it's disturbing to think that if the person used to create Crisis had been an innocent victim, or a volunteer, Croc would have killed them in their 'sleep' within Crisis without a second though.

And seriously, having it turn out the general was responsible for Crisis' early behavior REALLY undermines and trivializes her character growth from a budding evil overlord into a genuine leader.

And Francis... -_- Seriously. No. Just no. The whole 'retired Nazi who once they're given a new body go right back to their old ways' I get (and is a good story telling device here, as once he's empowered, his peaceful old man persona drops away).

But it's PAINFUL to read how he give a two sentence brush off to how he overcame Crisis' obedience programming, when it's been what the entire country has been struggling and fighting against Croc's brainwashing! Seriously, that one ex-retired Nazi and monsters like him are the only ones able to overcome it is disturbing, and reeks of it happening just so he can be a bad guy proper rather than one bound to Crisis' will but with ruthless and cruel side that needs to kept in check. Plus, the way Francis apparently antagonizes Crisis, while foreshadowing, is odd, since it would be giving away that he was nominally supposed to be unconditionally loyal to her until the trap is sprung.

Also, while Francis was meant to be in the wrong narrative wise several times during missions, he came across as 'jerkass has a point' on several tactical situations rather than showing him as the heartless creep he was at his core.

And... I know this gonna sound weird, but Crisis' robotization palms REALLY came across as underutilized. Used ONCE in the entire story, and that was again, because of Chaos "I planned that too!" Croc. It creates the impression that were ONLY put into the story so Crisis could roboticize Ruby, and then forget they even existed.

Also underutilized was her reprogramming the robians. That was ANOTHER major game changer that doesn't really seem to change anything.

Basically, how much Croc manipulated EVERYTHING with Crisis stops coming across as shocking and begins instead to feel... contrived. Sorry.

There was a GREAT CHANCE for drama with Hana's part, her learning her friend was really the enemy general who from her point of view brought death and destruction to her fair city. But instead she was play acting the whole time. It comes across as a let down rather than a shocking twist.

Also... while there was a point in robotizing the elderly. I was VERY CONFUSED at NO ONE EVER bringing up the idea of robotizing the terminally ill! That would REALLY take resources off that could be spent for the war effort! Not to mention soldiers who are fatally wounded, and only have moments to live, and Crisis in the conflict of saving their lives or not.

This also carries with it ANOTHER chance for drama... imagine a terminally ill child who won't live to adulthood, but their parents ask Crisis to roboticize them so they'll survive. This would result in the first robian CIVILIAN, but also would make a good propaganda tool since it would AGAIN help the people see 'these robots are still people.' And it would help establish Crisis as a healer and a miracle worker among the people.

And it would full circle was Sir Charles Hedgehog intended for the roboticizer to begin with!

I do appreciate Crisis evolving beyond her 'brainwash and roboticize them' schemes (implying she had ALREADY grown beyond her programming! Croc's 'grow beyond your programming' speech comes across as 'make the choice to side with me' rather than 'make your own choice'.)

But Sasha demanding to be left behind to die, when her friend could heal her instantly by robotizing her... when the entire story has been hamming how becoming a robot isn't that awful, REALLY comes across as forced and strange!

It would have worked out BETTER IMHO for the story as a whole if Croc had just 'stayed' dead. It pulled me OUT of the story, rather than drawing me INTO the story.

In ancient theater, it was outright said that it was better to a likely impossibility, than an absurd improbability.

I apologize if anything I've said here comes across as a person attack on you, or your tastes, or your abilities as a writer or story teller. I'm simply pointing out what I think of as weak links in the story. I appreciate that you were able to FINISH this work. Something I have FAILED TO DO on MANY MANY of my own works! So I bow to your superior workman's ethic. I again apologize if anything I've said here came across as an attack.

Was going to go to bed but such a reply deserves such an answer! In the current final version Maria is mentioned. A few of your thoughts with Croc and how things are, I had some constraints admittingly. Such as, this was meant to be a fun 'short' story of her creation and include friends such as Chaos Croc. I had to balance within his world, though as I wrote my bigger novel which I still need to finish (500+ pager but more everything with sergals n such). I took a long time to write the story, several months, 59 months. Details changed within Croc's world I had to fix, there were a few big loopholes I had to fix too which I did in the more finalized version.

One such thing is Chaos Croc did 'kill off' tails Ko, so was fitting that in. Though in the new version its simply Ko to be more 'unique' of a character. Developed the general a bit more (and refined one running joke with him).

Crisis didn't have the hand roboticizers till later on, though granted she could have used it to change Sasha at that moment, there are a few issues. One its a burning wreck, they have to move. She could take the time to stand and change someone, but its 'slow' relatively speaking, takes energy, and is a big glowing target. When you have to move even at a slower pace. It may not of worked, and simply Crisis didn't think about it. Though to be honest I am sure her earlier version of herself would have done so, but her later version obviously didn't.

Also it would be safe to assume Croc had 'baits' for Crisis. Hana was a bait but became friend. It was a test as it were. Did Croc know everything? The answer is no. But he tries to pull it off as if he did. He has the back up body system, but truth be told he wasn't expecting to lose in his tower in the faux city.

Also the story evolved slowly as I wrote it. Though I finished it rather quickly, ironicly I added like 6 chapters to the original draft I had in my head as I relooked at it.

Now what did Croc actually manipulate with Crisis? Not as much as you think. Croc is good as showmanship. Hiding his mistakes to make them look purposeful. Also Croc wants Crisis to go with him. But as you know in the end she doesn't. The grow beyond your programming had the double meaning. Which is nice someone caught.

With the mention of Croc stay dead, it was one of those, writing the story that includes friends, so I make adjustments, that being one of them, though I did debate heavily if Joshua was to be actually dead or not. It was basically a coin toss.

I do want to get that book published the more finished, refined/addition version. I forget how much was added but huge problems in the story especially in the first 1/3 are fixed to fall in line with the latter half, including additions to the introduction and Crisis' creation.

Lastly if you like that, I did write a darker novel I am going to try to get through my beta readers and try to publish. The rough draft of the first six chapters are on my FA. Its the cybernetic sergal drone story. Wrote that whole novel in a month and even did my 2nd draft in 2.5 months. Proud of myself to get that done.

P.S. Yeah it had nazi thought themes into the story, probably harks back to when I think of my raptor works I listen to german music, while my japanese music makes me think of my sergal works. Go figure.

I ALSO LIKE how even for characters for only appear for one scene, or one chapter, you STILL manage to make them feel like CHARACTERS rather than stage props! That takes SKILL! I bow to you!

Thanks, I have a slight nack for character creation. Lots of practice I guess. I worked hard on this one and my most recent novel to keep the characters to a few but to do a descent job on them. Now my big sergal novel which I aforementioned. That's something else, but then that is a book series. While a few of my other books may be 1-2 books possibly 3 in my head at best.

Like my sergal toy novel book (not written) it has 2ish books in mind for that. Ergo "My Toy Roommate" as the 2nd book.

Thanks for the comic though the raptors don't really have hair but still good. :)

^^; I did the best I thought, heheh but I am glad you like it