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This is something I started last year, I hope to continue it.
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 29 kB
Hi there! I wandered on over from the writer's forum crit request thread.
I'll start by saying that I prefer a .txt so that I don't have to download in order to read, If I hadn't been asked to critique this I probably wouldn't have bothered to read it at all, but that's just my preference.
Anyhow, on to the story itself...
There are some technical problems, for example when you're writing a conversation every time you switch speakers you should start a new paragraph. It's the standard way to do it, and it makes things much less confusing. Also don't forget to put in the quotation marks when someone is speaking, the whole second half of the story you've left them off entirely. A few other little things could stand to be improved, grammatical errors, mostly.
It's a good beginning. I imagine the rest of the story will get some decent action going, got to have a little bit of that.
One thing I could suggest... I know roughly what your Neko-Chan looks like, but I have no idea what Maxx looks like, and you didn't do anything at all to tell us that Neko was a furry-type person and nobody else in the station was, I was assuming otherwise until the moment when she started crying. That totally came out of the blue and was sort of abrupt and startling. Perhaps you could do something to set up this fact? Mention something, when she's walking through the station, or eating, about her being surrounded by humans, maybe?
That's all just my two cent's worth, anyhow, but I hope some of my suggestions will be useful.
I'll start by saying that I prefer a .txt so that I don't have to download in order to read, If I hadn't been asked to critique this I probably wouldn't have bothered to read it at all, but that's just my preference.
Anyhow, on to the story itself...
There are some technical problems, for example when you're writing a conversation every time you switch speakers you should start a new paragraph. It's the standard way to do it, and it makes things much less confusing. Also don't forget to put in the quotation marks when someone is speaking, the whole second half of the story you've left them off entirely. A few other little things could stand to be improved, grammatical errors, mostly.
It's a good beginning. I imagine the rest of the story will get some decent action going, got to have a little bit of that.
One thing I could suggest... I know roughly what your Neko-Chan looks like, but I have no idea what Maxx looks like, and you didn't do anything at all to tell us that Neko was a furry-type person and nobody else in the station was, I was assuming otherwise until the moment when she started crying. That totally came out of the blue and was sort of abrupt and startling. Perhaps you could do something to set up this fact? Mention something, when she's walking through the station, or eating, about her being surrounded by humans, maybe?
That's all just my two cent's worth, anyhow, but I hope some of my suggestions will be useful.
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