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SO... My mental health has completely spiraled out of control. My anxiety and depression have ruined my life and I now struggle everyday not to self harm. I constantly have suicidal thoughts. I feel like I have multiple personalities because of how detached I am now. I've gone through a ton of trauma and I think I finally snapped. I haven't been able to draw shit lately and I have zero motivation to do anything. My day consists of laying under a quilt, sleeping the pain away. I don't normally vent about this stuff, but if any of you were wondering why I never post my art anymore, THIS IS WHY. I haven't been happy with anything I make lately.
I finally told my counselor about my cutting and suicidal thoughts. Tomorrow I'm going in for a full psych evaluation to determine what meds I should be put on and to see if I should get institutionalized. Just my fucking luck. Tiny white room here I come. Why me? What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this warzone in my own mind. I'm so frustrated and defeated. I'm always the nurturer, but now I'm so far gone it's hard to be a good friend... a good girlfriend... a good student... a good person in general.
What's the point anymore? If I'm just gonna struggle with this bullshit my entire life, why even try? I've fought for five long years with no improvement. I only ever get worse.
If anyone comments, I appreciate it, but I don't know if I'll answer. I'm too anxious and tense...
Sorry for acting like a megabitch. I swear I'm not usually like this. I'm just so fucking DONE.
art is done by me
I finally told my counselor about my cutting and suicidal thoughts. Tomorrow I'm going in for a full psych evaluation to determine what meds I should be put on and to see if I should get institutionalized. Just my fucking luck. Tiny white room here I come. Why me? What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this warzone in my own mind. I'm so frustrated and defeated. I'm always the nurturer, but now I'm so far gone it's hard to be a good friend... a good girlfriend... a good student... a good person in general.
What's the point anymore? If I'm just gonna struggle with this bullshit my entire life, why even try? I've fought for five long years with no improvement. I only ever get worse.
If anyone comments, I appreciate it, but I don't know if I'll answer. I'm too anxious and tense...
Sorry for acting like a megabitch. I swear I'm not usually like this. I'm just so fucking DONE.
art is done by me
Category Artwork (Digital) / Animal related (non-anthro)
Species Wolf
Size 1280 x 1088px
File Size 526 kB
Listed in Folders
You are not a megabitch, and you do not have to comment if you do not want to dear one. I suffer from depression so I know from personal experience that 90% of the time when someone tells you not to be so hard on yourself, feel guilty or to not feel a certain way, most times it either goes in one ear and out the other, or, if you cannot turn a feeling off like a switch and others can, it can feel like you are doing something wrong. So I am not going to tell you not to feel one way or another, because I know from personal unfortunate experience that that will not help you one bit. Instead, I am going to tell you this.
You matter. Your life, your presence, you in everything you are, matter. You are loved. Be it by someone in your family, a friend, or someone right smack dab in Furaffinity, you are loved. Life throws people far too much shit and hardballs in life, and it sucks. It sucks so badly I know. But you are loved, you as well as your life matters and you are not as worthless and selfish as you think you are and let me tell you, Jolyn would be telling you the same thing right now if she were able to. You may not think that right now but I hope at some point if you ever have some moment of clarity you might know that, even for a fleeting moment.
If there is one thing I can say, and I am sure there are many others just here on FA alone, is that we value everyone's lives and treasure every being on this planet as something precious to be held, loved, cared for and supported.
I do not find myself terribly eloquent with my words, but I try to find enough of them to let someone, right now you, know that I love you. I may not know you, but I love you anyway. You are precious, everything about you, you feelings, your fears, your insecurities your life, you yourself. Everything about you is precious and if ever you feel otherwise just re-read what I've written so far or try and remind yourself, no matter how unlikely it may seem at the time, as depression tricks our minds into thinking the most negative of things, remind yourself that you are loved. You matter.
You are doing the best you can in this moment with what you have. Sometimes it may not feel that way, but you are. As I said, depression and anxiety play many tricks on your mind to make you feel otherwise, and sometimes, getting help is inevitable. I currently am seeing someone, but have not delved into the dark stuff or trauma yet because I am unmediated and she does not want to trigger an uncontrollable spiral. I lost my only sibling 3 years ago and ever since then I have been on a destructive spiral.
Depression has brought me down endless amounts of times in my life. And it still does.
To the outside world, meaning those that do not have to fight with depression every day, or at all for that matter, there are a percentage of the population that think we can just flick off a switch, or "Get over it". It is not something you just "get over" it is a constant battle that can feel overwhelming most days. But one thing we can do, and it may not be every time, but in whatever clarity moments you have, meaning times when a smile cannot help but grace your lips or a small laugh comes unexpectedly from your mouth, or even rare or uncommon moments of clear thought, you can tell yourself, either then or looking back on the times you have had those clear moments, I was happy in that moment, or people do love me.
There are more people in this world that love you and can relate to why it can hurt so much.
I know I do not know you personally but I love you. I hold a near and dear spot for those I call friends and I love each and every one of them fiercely. You are one of those friends and though I am not there physically to give you the fierce hugs I want to give you, the least I can do is tell you that you matter, and that you are loved.
You matter. Your life, your presence, you in everything you are, matter. You are loved. Be it by someone in your family, a friend, or someone right smack dab in Furaffinity, you are loved. Life throws people far too much shit and hardballs in life, and it sucks. It sucks so badly I know. But you are loved, you as well as your life matters and you are not as worthless and selfish as you think you are and let me tell you, Jolyn would be telling you the same thing right now if she were able to. You may not think that right now but I hope at some point if you ever have some moment of clarity you might know that, even for a fleeting moment.
If there is one thing I can say, and I am sure there are many others just here on FA alone, is that we value everyone's lives and treasure every being on this planet as something precious to be held, loved, cared for and supported.
I do not find myself terribly eloquent with my words, but I try to find enough of them to let someone, right now you, know that I love you. I may not know you, but I love you anyway. You are precious, everything about you, you feelings, your fears, your insecurities your life, you yourself. Everything about you is precious and if ever you feel otherwise just re-read what I've written so far or try and remind yourself, no matter how unlikely it may seem at the time, as depression tricks our minds into thinking the most negative of things, remind yourself that you are loved. You matter.
You are doing the best you can in this moment with what you have. Sometimes it may not feel that way, but you are. As I said, depression and anxiety play many tricks on your mind to make you feel otherwise, and sometimes, getting help is inevitable. I currently am seeing someone, but have not delved into the dark stuff or trauma yet because I am unmediated and she does not want to trigger an uncontrollable spiral. I lost my only sibling 3 years ago and ever since then I have been on a destructive spiral.
Depression has brought me down endless amounts of times in my life. And it still does.
To the outside world, meaning those that do not have to fight with depression every day, or at all for that matter, there are a percentage of the population that think we can just flick off a switch, or "Get over it". It is not something you just "get over" it is a constant battle that can feel overwhelming most days. But one thing we can do, and it may not be every time, but in whatever clarity moments you have, meaning times when a smile cannot help but grace your lips or a small laugh comes unexpectedly from your mouth, or even rare or uncommon moments of clear thought, you can tell yourself, either then or looking back on the times you have had those clear moments, I was happy in that moment, or people do love me.
There are more people in this world that love you and can relate to why it can hurt so much.
I know I do not know you personally but I love you. I hold a near and dear spot for those I call friends and I love each and every one of them fiercely. You are one of those friends and though I am not there physically to give you the fierce hugs I want to give you, the least I can do is tell you that you matter, and that you are loved.
I'm so sorry for this late reply, things have been busy and tough.
I just have to say that it touched me, reading your long and heartfelt comment, and knowing that you care enough to have taken time out of your day to let me know that I'm really not alone. I took everything you said to heart and during a very dark time, it made me smile. It still does :) you're a truly amazing person and the world is lucky to have you. If you ever feel like talking, feel free to note me. I love you too, even if I don't know you well. I care about you as well. Love is the only thing that gets me through this illness.
If you're curious, here's a little update to my situation:
-no one is available to give me a psych eval at the time, but I am on a suicide watch from my counselor and family and if I feel like harming or killing myself, I've been told to get to the ER where I will receive an immediate evaluation and be hospitalized
-I have been put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, and although I'm just starting them out, they have helped me a bit :) I don't feel nearly as abysmal as I did before. However, they make me very drowsy all the time... So it makes it hard for me to work and get out and do stuff
-my mate has been extremely supportive and has really stepped up his game, he's been an excellent partner and he gives me hope for a brighter future
-I've gotten some work done, so I'm slowly but surely accomplishing things
That's what's going on right now :) again, thank you for your support and comment, love <3
I just have to say that it touched me, reading your long and heartfelt comment, and knowing that you care enough to have taken time out of your day to let me know that I'm really not alone. I took everything you said to heart and during a very dark time, it made me smile. It still does :) you're a truly amazing person and the world is lucky to have you. If you ever feel like talking, feel free to note me. I love you too, even if I don't know you well. I care about you as well. Love is the only thing that gets me through this illness.
If you're curious, here's a little update to my situation:
-no one is available to give me a psych eval at the time, but I am on a suicide watch from my counselor and family and if I feel like harming or killing myself, I've been told to get to the ER where I will receive an immediate evaluation and be hospitalized
-I have been put on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, and although I'm just starting them out, they have helped me a bit :) I don't feel nearly as abysmal as I did before. However, they make me very drowsy all the time... So it makes it hard for me to work and get out and do stuff
-my mate has been extremely supportive and has really stepped up his game, he's been an excellent partner and he gives me hope for a brighter future
-I've gotten some work done, so I'm slowly but surely accomplishing things
That's what's going on right now :) again, thank you for your support and comment, love <3
I am very glad things have been able to progress in even a small amount. I am now on anti depressant and anxiety meds as well and they make me pretty tired as well. I only just started them about a week ago, but I have noticed at least some of a difference as well. I was also diagnosed with severe PTSD which explains a lot for me as to the way I am, and have been, mainly the past 3 years though this must have been dormant for quite a while now.
I try my hardest to continue to try and bring a smile to peoples faces, or even just a tiny glimmer of light in peoples lives is all I can strive for. I have been to the dark places, I have been through my own traumas, so I can at least understand to some extent or another how horribly hopeless it can feel sometimes.
Just hold those close to you dear, and never be afraid of reaching out if ever you feel like you are getting pushed too far over the edge. My love has no bounds. It is endless and I love as often as I can, it is just who I am and I never plan on changing that.
You are always stronger than you think you are, as unlikely as that may seem, and I am only now after 27 years of life starting to notice that in myself, if only slightly acknowledging.
You too dear one. If ever you want to talk just note me and when I get it I will message back as soon as I read it. Keep going lovey, keep fighting we are here with you. <3
I try my hardest to continue to try and bring a smile to peoples faces, or even just a tiny glimmer of light in peoples lives is all I can strive for. I have been to the dark places, I have been through my own traumas, so I can at least understand to some extent or another how horribly hopeless it can feel sometimes.
Just hold those close to you dear, and never be afraid of reaching out if ever you feel like you are getting pushed too far over the edge. My love has no bounds. It is endless and I love as often as I can, it is just who I am and I never plan on changing that.
You are always stronger than you think you are, as unlikely as that may seem, and I am only now after 27 years of life starting to notice that in myself, if only slightly acknowledging.
You too dear one. If ever you want to talk just note me and when I get it I will message back as soon as I read it. Keep going lovey, keep fighting we are here with you. <3
I don't know you, you don't know me, but I do know what this all feels like and have been there.
I won't go on some long story about it, but I've been to the edge of my own abyss and I know it feels like there's absolutely nothing in the future. The feeling that this is what life truly is and a complete loss of vitality. Although the feeling can be very convincing at times, it is wrong. It's like a thunderstorm darkening the world around you and trying to convince you that the sun doesn't exist behind it.
It took a long time but I've been taking therapy, supplemented with anti-depressants, and trying to make all kinds of lifestyle changes. All have helped tremendously, but the most important part is simply the therapy and cognitive training.
I hope things get better for you soon. Stay positive. Don't ever think that you're alone in this feeling.
I won't go on some long story about it, but I've been to the edge of my own abyss and I know it feels like there's absolutely nothing in the future. The feeling that this is what life truly is and a complete loss of vitality. Although the feeling can be very convincing at times, it is wrong. It's like a thunderstorm darkening the world around you and trying to convince you that the sun doesn't exist behind it.
It took a long time but I've been taking therapy, supplemented with anti-depressants, and trying to make all kinds of lifestyle changes. All have helped tremendously, but the most important part is simply the therapy and cognitive training.
I hope things get better for you soon. Stay positive. Don't ever think that you're alone in this feeling.
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