I like the phrasing and the imagery, but I have to admit, I have no idea what it's supposed to be about. >^_^< The Iraq keyword gives some clue, but I still don't feel like I understand it well enough to be moved by it.

Whoo, somebody bit! :D

Okay, the body of the metaphor is set up in the title (which I'm thinking of changing to "The Lamb Who Cried Wolf") and the first stanza. Basically, I walked outside two days ago and it was 50 degrees, which it hadn't been for quite some time, being much colder. The last time it was that warm at that time of day, there was snow the next day. So I developed this sort of paranoia -- I'm still not going to celebrate the warm weather, because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop and the snow to return.

That being said, I realized I could link this to something, and the second stanza is the vehicle (boy, I hope I'm using those terms right) for the metaphor. Basically, it's the first thing that came to mind when I asked myself, "What's something else that makes a promise to stay and then goes away?" So you've got the image of the soldier father, fresh from Iraq (I used the desert warmth to tie him to the weather itself as well as demonstrate the soonness of his return), who's telling his child that he's not going to be leaving them again. Except, well, the last time he said that, his platoon was called up for service and redeployed, because that's been happening.

Although it seems like, if the pathetic fallacy is to be believed, daddy really is staying home this time, because the weather was nice and warm again today. o.o Except for the hailstorm.

So how can I convey this better? :B I've got a good idea, but I feel I'm not executing it well, do you agree?

Yeah, I think the concept is good, but there's not quite enough there on the page yet to get it all across. What I'm feeling from this is that you're trying to use as few words as possible, which is good, but the words themselves are a little too few and too general to carry the amount of context you're asking of them.

One thing that confused me in the first stanza is that, without any punctuation other than the linebreaks, the first lines could be read two different ways:

"The last time it was warm at midnight, the following day was filled with snow."

or

"The last time, it was warm at midnight. The following day was filled with snow."

The first is what you intend, but the second is how I read it. Although I like the look of this without punctuation, I think you might want to consider a comma after midnight, so that it makes things clearer from the start.

I like the "still warm from the desert" part. I think it was the "like last time" at the end that got me confused. Although I like how minimal the poem is, I think some more concrete detail -- maybe even another stanza -- would help give some more room for the scene to play out more clearly. You could have the father's promise in the second stanza, as it is now, and then the third stanza could be the memory of him leaving, even though he said he wouldn't.

For myself, I tend to write poems in a circular fashion. If this were mine, I'd probably circle back to the child in that warmth, being uncertain what awaits the next day. But that's just how I would handle it, and that might belabor the point a bit anyway.

Titles... I like "False Lamb" better than "The Lamb Who Cried Wolf." If you're going for the weather connotation, maybe "Lions and Lambs"?

Hope this helps. It's been a while since I've critiqued poetry. >^_^<

I am going for the "In like a lamb" thing. Maybe shorter is better for the title. :P

I did try to be circular! :O The first and last lines echo one another. However... hmm, what if I just put in one more line, as its own stanza, something like, "You watched him leave the next day." or some other time frame (a day might be realistic for Ohio weather changes, but not necessarily for redeployment. That would tie into the first stanza solidly, with the snow coming back. Of course, I was also trying to leave it open just a bit; though the snow came back, there's nothing saying the father HAS to leave.

The comma is a great idea, Imma do that right now. Thank you so much, I hate critiquing poetry myself. :3

Aside from the interesting bookend phrase " _ last time," and maybe it's assonant echo in "...your daddy," I don't hear any spoken rhythm in it.

It paints an interesting atmospheric/family still-life, though, and makes me wonder two things: what happened the time-before last, to which this ultimately refers? And what's (the sense of) the lamb-that's-false?

BTW, you'd be very welcome in the little poetry critique circle I'm trying to start on FA: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/639327/

Thank you for the invite, but poetry's not my thing and I hate, hate, hate having to critique it. D:

As for the other bits, well, I wasn't going for any rhythm whatsoever, so there you go. I've explained this pretty much thoroughly in my above comment, but to reiterate just a bit, the metaphor is a comparison between a lingering paranoia that the warm weather isn't going to stick around (the last time it was this warm, it snowed again soon after) and a father's return from Iraq, which resulted in a broken promise due to redeployment the last time he came home.

Any suggestions you have on how I can make this more apparent are appreciated. :3

Oh, the "False Lamb" refers to the weather aspect, with March coming in like one, only not, because it's gonna snow again.

Except, I think it's going to stay warmish now. <.< Maybe. Hopefully.

Well, if you don't intend it as poetry, I think the best way to get your idea across more clearly would be to write concrete prose and introduce what you have here as metaphor or simile therein.

Critiquing poetry should be about as painless as critiquing something you have to eat. I realize eggheads have tried to redefine it as anything, everything, and nothing, for the sake of philosophy-of-art oneupsmanship, but I regret it if those guys have so poisoned the art for you.

I couldn't agree more about it staying warm tho'.

Hmm, so you wouldn't define a meterless piece as being poetry?

See, this is why I hate critiquing it, not to mention writing it. >:| I'm a severe formalist, I can't stand half-rhymes, near rhymes, or sloppy meter, and I feel like poetry is an expression of a person's feelings, so there's nothing to critique content-wise.

Well, even sadder, then. Poetry community needs more formalists.

Poetry is: mastercraftmanship with language, on any interesting subject (emotional complexity/depth or otherwise), rendered as rhythmic speech for the specific purpose of penetrating consciouness and memory. Strict meter is not necessary; sprung meter works very well, actually, if you listen to it with a critical ear. Likewise, assonance is absolutely durable and workmanlike, and epistrophe & similar is a third excellent set of rigorous tools for creating rhythm.

All those things can be critiqued.

I agree that personal emotion can't be, but I wouldn't agree that high emotion is necessary or that the intensely personal is even a good idea. I also would agree that criticism isn't useful if there aren't bright-line standards, and that there should be, and are, in poetry.

Anyway, now I'm chattering away in your submission. Sorry!

Naw, it's okay. I'd have to disagree with you on pretty much every point, though. Or rather, to say that all of those things can be poetry, but poetry isn't necessarily comprised of any of those things. I'm more of the opinion that everything is art poetry. :B But that's what I learned.

I'm comfortable agreeing to disagree at that point, because I'm sure you can see how nihilistic "poetry can be anything" is.

On the contrary, I find it liberating.

Well, to a point. Then it becomes redundant, asinine and thoroughly pedantic. Not to mention the idea is intimidating in the first place and not likely to be well-received by anyone. :B