(I do apologize for the excessive length. Life and commissions are too intertwined to pull them apart without a significant amount of explanation being pulled from it too and I wanted to be as transparent as I could be about everything thus far, as well as explaining the boat I’m in now. I will bold parts that are significantly relevant to commissioners, however, located towards the latter half of the post.)



I’m sitting here at my desk, a double shot of tequila taking it out of me after having downed it an hour ago with family on an empty stomach (feels like a pit in my gut even with a fair bit of food after; I do suggest at least a snack before indulging to avoid such discomfort yourself!), wondering about too much on my mind and having it eat away at me.

I don’t drink. I would never have considered it had I not seen my parents indulging and seeing their glee and fun from it, all whilst feeling too much at the moment and wanting nothing to do with my thoughts for at least one short moment. Regrets remain.



(Really, I’ve always been anxious about drinking. I’ve heard too much from family and friends to fear it plenty, but there’s always booze in my household, and there’s always people to savor it and feel… well, not a whole lot, for better or worse. I’ve had a chance in my youth to drink and the experience was… far from pleasant. I wondered why anyone would want to drink since. I know why now, though. I worry I know too well now. I’ll likely abstain for quite some time after tonight, if anything for fear that it can lead to dangerous habits if I continue in any vain.)



Anyhow though, most of anyone of whom I’ve chatted with knows I’ve been far from doing well. I’ve been difficult to get in contact with at times, other times seeming out of it with taking up to hours to respond to even quick and curious IMs and questions. I’ve fallen away from a few things I’ve used to enjoy, some being with friends that have unfortunately experienced how dysfunctional I’ve been as of late.

To the crux of the issue though, this has unfortunately extended to art, and rather perversely. I’ve been sluggish when it comes to art to a ridiculous extent. My art progress has slowed to a crawl with a sketch, doodle or stage completion of a pic the highlight of my artistic capabilities, usually, with the few exceptions that I’ve been able to complete full pieces in a day or so, though not without constant struggle.

This has been off and on quite a bit, albeit and fortunately to a much lesser extent, since last year even, since Fall or so. However, since May of this year it’s been hitting much harder than I could’ve ever dreaded.

Yet that’s just the start of quite a mess I’m in now.

I’ve been taking commissions for I think over two years now, though it didn’t pick up until September of 2015. Before, I’ve gotten maybe a commission or two every month, mostly from friends who I appreciate dearly. Starting September though, I’ve gotten an influx of inquiries that let me excited and eager to draw.

During that fall, I’ve gotten commissions from so many lovely people and I honestly can’t remember a commissioner I hadn’t ultimately enjoyed by the end of their piece. Sure, it was stressful at times; I tend to be open to hearing out requests for edits and the like which sometimes led to a few headscratching and at worst headache inducing moments, but I really did enjoy doing it, making art for such awesome people (you know who you all you cool bunch are)! Everything from making references for characters to all sorts of fun and lewd pics, being able to create people’s ideas in my art… it was really something, certainly fun, and I didn’t want to stop. And I’m super appreciative of everyone that got the word out for me to help continue the cycle.

I’ve lacked a formal setup since the start. I just used a Paypal account I had made to buy cheap cables off of eBay years prior (hadn’t connected it to a bank account until late last year, I think), had a loose schedule due to classes and just did commissions as I went throughout my day. It’s a basic setup, but I wasn’t used to more than a few commissions every now and then, and the setup worked for me then. I figured I had it in me to work with it since it’d been fine for plenty a time.

Cue me entering late Fall and early Winter, starting with my queue. There’s been such an influx of people asking for commissions that I had a constant queue going on and I was even able to handle it for some time. At some point, I looked in awe of it at how far I’ve come since I started commissions, then back to when I started, well, art!



(Another tangent: I’ve never been of high self-esteem or self-confidence. In honestly, I never expected to get anywhere near to where my skill level is now; even when I started in my early tween years, I only wished to draw what fun little [and sometimes mighty lewd, oh ho hormonal youth me] doodles that I wanted to see myself. Since, I just wanted to improve bit by bit, but I really only did it to see my ideas a bit more clearly and how I wanted to see them. I couldn’t have hoped to do what I have done even a few year ago, let alone then when I looked at my queue. It was emotional and I had quite a few moments where I thought, “Wow… people like what I do enough to pay for it, to exchange money that they could use on a good bite or fun movie or game or anything!” I still think about that, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop; it’s just so out of what I’m used to, to feel that I could provide something of value for another person, and to see them light up with joy when they see the finished artwork of their characters and ideas! Golly, it still gives me a flutterly, sincerely giddy and happy sensation.)



I was so happy to see so many people asking for art that I’ve gotten so used to saying “yes” and “can do!” to commissioners. I wanted to do as many pics as I could to please as many people as I could. I was always afraid of declining for fear of missing out of an opportunity to draw for someone who really would’ve wanted something from me; I thought, “Hey, these people have so many choices and yet they’ve chosen me for it… wow.” I was flattered each, every time. And I didn’t want to disappoint.



(I’d think quite a bit was due to my lower prices for sure, too: 7$ for a shaded color single character pic? That’s an alluring price regardless of artist, truthfully, and even my current prices are somewhat low. But that’s still money that people are willing to invest in me, and that idea is still out of this world for me.)



Most of all that is preface for what I think needs to be addressed honestly by me, especially commissioners: Why couldn’t I clear my queue, get to people that I’ve owed art to for weeks, months even now?

Like I said, I hadn’t expected anything close to the demand or reception I received. I didn’t have a setup to handle commissions at a larger scale than 4 or 5 at most at any given time (I believe I had a slot cap of around that many when I started). I didn’t know how I would handle more even when demand started hitting above that slot cap: a waitlist just seemed like a part of a queue with a different name and bigger numbers. I didn’t want to disappoint people who really wanted a pic and limit who I’d do pics for in any way either with raffles or hitting up the ideas that sparked my interest the most, especially since I really did enjoy doing so many of them. I figured I’d just remove the cap and have people know they’ll be contacted when I’m able to get to them, even if it’ll be a while.

It was quite a while for many, I’m afraid to say.

Cue the queue again. Going through Winter, I had hoped to finish a plethora of pics I’ve owed people. In reality, I’ve only done a fraction of them all between classes and family holiday stuffs. It was then that I was starting to realize I definitely had quite a bit on my plate, and it took much later on that I was biting plenty more off than I could chew.

With the setup I had made, I always had a load of commissions to do at about any given time; I think the most amount of people on the queue I have had at once was just over 20, a number that rather well brought to attention how out of control I let commissions built up. And that’s just a part of the problem:

A big issue was I wasn't following my queue.

I consistently failed to adhere to the queue for doing commissions. Whether it was birthday commissions, spontaneous stream commissions or commissions for friends, I subverted it quite too much with internal justifications that, in retrospect, are both a contrived mess and lacked an understanding of the trust commissioners had in a queue: “It’ll be quick to do and it’ll make someone happy.” “I’m streaming for an audience of eager peeps and an excited commissioner, wouldn’t wanna let them down now!” “Man, it would really suck to tell my friend who I care so dearly for that art will hafta be a few months waiting.” “People would understand waiting a bit longer, right?”

At its core, all the reasons missed just how much it sucks to be kept waiting by someone who you’re eagerly expecting art that you’re wanting to pour your funds into. The gravity of it all didn’t hit me until a close friend told me about an experience they had with another artist and the disappointment they felt when they realized they were tossed up to be on hold themselves in queue purgatory, all while they sincerely wanted a commission from them. I felt for them initially, that does sound like a mighty sucky experience that would leave a bitter and betrayed taste in my mouth.
And simultaneously, parallel to that, I was feeling the shame of having done the same to dozens of people on my own queue all at once and was speechless, I felt so bloody bad.

No doubt all of that, combined with classwork and finals, and life stress and other things have led to my current mess of a state, where art feels distant and I feel the shame of having disappointed so many people, most without their knowledge as I continued on autopilot doing what art I could force myself to do in my depressive state, all with a shady disposition that was unintentional but was ultimately the result of my actions. There are other things I have slipped up on but this I think is the more egregious of the bunch.

I need to apologize. To all my commissioners, I fully understand if you wish to retract your commission slot or wish a refund on any current commissions I have yet to finish, and will do so upon request. I’m afraid I’ll be set back quite a bit on dates that I have mentioned to commissioners. I should be able to provide better turnaround dates later in the week, but feel free to inquire about any such things relating to expected turnaround times and the like in the meantime though, as well as any other inquiries you may have. I will strive to work towards finishing up all my current queue and will close new slots for the time being.

There are even commissioners whose commissions I haven’t even listed in the queue, period; such was unintentional but irresponsible of me to neglect to add, something so basic to do. I apologize, especially if I’ve forgotten your inquiry for a commission quite a ways back; I’ll get in touch with those that I know I’ve forgotten to add, and feel free to shoot a reminder if I haven’t done so within the new day or two.

To reflect all changes that may occur, I will be reorganizing my queue to reflect them, effective July 20th. I’ll be posting a journal about it, respectively, after giving time to respond to commissioners about any inquiries posed.

As well, to those that did ask for a commission and did receive one out of queue, you’re not to blame in the slightest; in fact, about every commissioner who contacted about b-day or stream commissions asked if I was available to begin with. I should have responded responsibility and said that I was was needing to do other commissions, which I certainly was, but I said otherwise. The fault lies with me there; it was an honest inquiry that everyone else made.

To anyone who has read through even snippets of this, I do appreciate it and do sincerely apologize. I do have quite the backlog of things I’m needing to upload as well which I will do as well over the upcoming weeks, and I’ll work towards improving and even streaming more to get to finishing more artwork. For now, I’ll be finishing up any commissions I’ve already commenced on before continuing with the finalized queue later on.



(Mariachi music just finished blaring out of my folk’s 700 watt speakers at such a dastardly early/late time. I'll wake up fine in the next few hours though, I think. The booze’s effect now is clearing up now, for better or worse. Though dang… can’t believe a double shot left me fairly tipsy… good heavens, I’m a lightweight!)