I’m alone in a dark world full of empty bottles. They’re fucking everywhere, the wardrobe, the nightstand, the desk. Rank after rank of Beck’s, Moosehead, Stella Artois. Flasks and shooters of vodka sparkle dark and wet beneath the bed, like the mythic trove of diamonds hoarded by King Solomon.
I think it’s safe to say the knight has retired.
I’m not who I used to be, it’s true, and I could whine and whimper and promise some great change. I’ve done that before though, told such lies. I have to face reality.
I’m fairly sure I failed as a storyteller because when the going gets tough I give up and get shitfaced. It’s second nature now, I do it by reflex. It’s the primary reason I never finish anything, why I always let whoever reads what I write down. I just don’t have the drive, the belief, to see something through. I live in the moment now.
These latter days and these most recent stories (as if they could actually be called that) are emblematic. What once would have been a four thousand word fragment has become one that’s barely four hundred. Soon single sentences could be the height of literature to me, so many non-existent meanings do I see in my insanity.
My greatest regret was obliterating a lot of work, unfinished though it was. There were some out there who actually believed in it, saw and felt some magic (or at least I delude myself into thinking that), and what I did back then was betray them.
It shouldn’t have taken a tragedy to make me realize that. I should have accepted that once I post something it’s not mine anymore, it belongs to the world for better or for worse.
My computer’s a mess but it’s all still here somewhere. Henceforth, every night, I will restore one more as I find them until they’re all back on site.
I had this habit of editing after I actually posted, it loaned me some clarity, so things might not be quite the same…but at least they’ll exist again in some semblance if not their entirety.
It’s time to stop feeling ashamed and sad about what I know I am now, stop running. Whatever will be will be.