I was in eighth grade when I met her...

no wait...thats not true... I knew her before then in second or third grade...we just didnt talk...we both hung out in the same area of the playground...the area where the "animal kids" went...

What are animal kids?...well its exactly how it sounds...kids who pretended to be animals...mostly cheetahs and lions....and I remember we would chase the other kids around on all fours...and we were so fast it was amazing... and in some ways Im sure those are my nostalgia goggles talking...

Anyway...Im getting off track...I met her in eighth grade...I was so scared of her...I mean in a way I was scared of everyone...I was so ugly back then, Glasses, braces...My aunt cut my hair too short- and I was weird...My best friends were my stuffed animals...and I was lonely so I'd bring them to school...and everyone teased me...everyone ostracized me...I always felt very alone....and yet...here I was about to be late for class...the bell ringing in the background...watching her throw things into her locker angrily.

It was loud...it was terrifying..and I remember wanting to run away. But I didnt...I just stood there. Staring at her..watching her...trying to get up the courage to say something...and I remember it as clear as anything...

"Uhm..."

She turned to glare at me at that...like she didnt know I was even there...of course not...no one did back then. Her long curly hair swayed behind her as she did this.. "What do you want??" She threw something else into her locker with annoyance.

It was loud..and I sort of cowered a bit behind the books I was carrying. "We're going to be late for class..." I remember being so nervous...like I thought she was going to hit me..or yell at me..or something...but I tried to be brave...this was someone in trouble..she was upset..and despite being scared of her..I knew I had to be brave...at least this once. "Why are you out here in the hallway throwing things angrily into your locker?" I winced as she threw something else.

"I got a bad grade on my math test and my mom is going to kill me when she finds out..."

I paused..Math was of course one of my worst subjects..."Oh..well..I get bad grades all the time and my mom hasnt killed me yet...I think you're safe..."

She just stared at me, then I think she started laughing...I admit that this part of the story is a bit hazy...I dont remember what happened after that specifically...but I do know...we were both late for class....and she still talks about me being brave just that one time as being one of the best things to ever happen to her.

I wish back then...or at least sooner I could have actually told her how I felt...

I wish I could have told her how much I loved her.

But I couldnt...I was such a sissy, and I didnt think she would accept it...I was in highschool when I realized I loved her...I had lost the glasses, and the braces...and I was by everyone elses definition (not my own) "Hot now". I got love letters I didnt know what to do with from Guys that used to tease me and ostrasize me...used to call me names...And I hated them still...those superficial bastards.

I didnt have the courage to do anything like that...I was teased enough by everyone...my home situation wasnt that great....and I thought that if me...a girl- confessed my love for another girl??? Oh god....what a field day they would all have...I didnt know how to handle it...I didnt know what to do... I mean at the time my mom wouldnt let me watch the slayers movie- because the character Lina mentions the devil in it...What would she have thought if I did go out with her??? It just couldnt happen...I was confused...I already didnt fit in...What was I to do??

I honestly didnt think she was that kind of girl...but I found out she was one day in computer lab...when I learned she had a girlfriend...I was..by all definitions heartbroken...It hurt...I learned that she was that kind of girl and I didnt jump on the chance I had...what an idiot I was...a fuckin idiot...in fact I never jumped on any of the chances I had...I didnt know how...I didnt know what to do... I've never been that good at these kinds of things ever in my life...and im still not... I'm just not.....I felt so heartbroken and Stupid...I remember I felt almost replaced...I wanted to be the only important person to her...me...Why couldnt it have been me? but it wasnt... and I knew I had to accept it...

I just wanted to be close to her...I didnt want to do anything sexual with her or anything...I just wanted to be with her...I had this strange complex about her... She was important to me. She was special......no one else understands me like she does....I just....

one day...when we were both single....she sent me a text... "If niether of us get boyfriends by next year...lets get married.."

I remember reading this text over and over again...I remember never deleting it...And I remember I was happy to read it...I was so fucking happy you would never know...and niether would she because I never told her...I only replied with a "ok " When inside? I was so terrifically happy...

In fact when that phone died? I was most upset about losing that text...even if it never came true, it still made me happy.

However...She did get a boyfriend...and my god I hated him...I fucking loathed him...it was clearly because I was jealous....I knew it was...but I couldnt help it... I was always right there...Always there for her... always RIGHT FUCKING THERE...So why?....I hated him with a passion for taking her away from me. I was civil though...I tried to be civil...I was nice to him...but in my mind I had death threats rambling through my brain. Though I'd never act on them...

Because she was happy....And I am not the kind of person to take someones happiness away from them....I cant be selfish like that...Then they got married...and I knew I had again lost my chance...this time for good...and I was pissed...I distanced myself..I had to...I had to clear my head...I had to do something or I would lose her for good...I almost lost her a few times before and I wouldnt let it happen again due to my jealousy...it was unfair...it wasnt right... I had to do something...

So I did...I cleared my thoughts...I found acceptance... and though I lost all of my chances...? I dont think I could ever be happier than I am now... I still love her... God do I love her... but I also love that she is happy...and I know I wouldnt be able to do for her what he does....

I've Loved her for over 15 years now...more than half of my life has had her in it...and I want the rest of my life to have her in it too...Im happy enough being her best friend...and I will always...ALWAYS ALWAYS be there for her...her shoulder to cry on...her strength when she is weak...someone to listen when she needs someone to listen...

So...Katy...If you're reading this- which Im sure you are...I love you.

I always will....and no matter how much we might fight, disagree or no matter how long it might be until we talk again...I am always just a text or phone call away...I am always here...

And I will always cherish you.

For forever and a day....and Long after that...

I Love you...

Dont forget.