Nice start. I already have interest in the characters.

One small bit of criticism is to maybe cut back on some of the descriptions of things that won't play an important part. Let the readers imagination take care of some of that. Not to loose any details, just compact it to it's essence. If that makes any sense.

Thanks, glad to hear on the interest.

Yeah, I hear that a lot. I know, I need to cut way back on the descriptions (which is actually one of the reasons I got rid of the later parts of the story, since it only gets worse from here)

Knowing you, there's gonna be a big gay sex scene coming up I'm sure. You totally set up for it :3

Well, I wasn't planning on one, but I know you want it really bad, so I'll squeeze something in somewhere :P

I've seen this scenario a million times. It always ends up with sex slaves.

Critique:
To tell you the honest truth I couldn't get to the second paragraph. I was bored by all the superfluous details. There is simply no need to explain every item in the room and where it lays and what it may contain. Stationary objects don't tell a story. Resist the urge to explain at all costs. Explaining is patronizing to the reader. Do you think your readers don't know what an office looks like? You need only to give your reader enough information for them to draw their own conclusion. As the previous poster said "Let the readers imagination take care of some of that"

Also get rid of stuff like "luminous illumination". That is redundant. Extra words don't add. They take away. Just one more thing; try not to use qualifiers like "relatively". They weaken your writing. A qualifier is any word (mostly adverbs and adjectives ending in -ly) that slightly modifies a verb or noun but not enough to make a real impact. Often times a sentence with a qualifier can be re-written better to use none. A relatively small room can easily be a small room. If the size of the room is truly important then find a way to show it instead of tell it.

Google the words "show not tell" with quotes. That should be of some help. I also suggest the following book: Self-Editing for Fiction writers. It's about editing what you've written already but it is extremely helpful for those that want to improve.

Keep in mind that the above is advice. Free for the taking (or leaving). Have a nice day

Thank you very much for the critique, means a lot to me.

Yes, that's something I always get, too much over-description. I've just got this thing where I need everyone to see exactly what I see in my head, but I realize that doesn't work very well for telling a story. I'll look into that book as well. Big thanks for everything you said, I'll keep it all in mind.

And you have a great day as well

You're welcome. Some time in 2005 I had a writer friend of mine start to critique me and I learned a lot. I used to do some of the same things you do so I recognized them right away. I still have a lot to learn though. I just re-wrote one of my recent submissions today after I finished that book I mentioned. I think it's a lot better. But practice is the key to success. So while knowing what's wrong and sometimes what to do about it, knowing and having the ability are two different things. I'll add you to my watch. I happen to like some of your other stuff.