I was frustrated.
thank my scanner for eating midtones, as usual. also, gel medium is fun to play with, though obviously i need practive. and also also, backgrounds are evil.

I could try to explain this, but then i'd have to get into my tedious and frustrating irl situation. So, instead, i will give two vague excerpts from my journal:

"[last night]
Tonight, I am feeling kind of
S U I C I D A L
not out of sadness, particularly
not because i dislike me (i really like me, i just (don't think) anyone else can? (like me) at least not in t h a t way)
But because, according to all
conventional and modern sources
I am useless
and Nonfuctional
the only thing i do well is ART
and that barely
and no one will hire me for that.

I am conventionally
and quintessentially useless,
<b>and i keep hacking
at these metaphorical walls
the universe throws
in my way,
these obstacles
<u>to no avail</u>.
I am only getting
Nowhere
Fast.</b>

All of this begs the question,
so why don't you just kill yourself?
(you u s e l e s s fuck?)

I think on this,
for awhile and come to the conclusion that
<b>I really don't want to</b>,
(M O T H E R F U C K E R).
So,
SUCK. ON. THAT.
&hearts;"

and also


"[this morning]
I'm so sick
of being told
that
if I <b>TRY</b> hard enough,
I'll get somewhere.
And that my failure to do so
is my own goddamn fault.

Fuck society.

I try.
I keep trying.
Unable to get a fucking job,
out of state fees in college,
so i still go to college
spend so much i have to live in my goddamn car
fucking health problems that the doctors
won't address,
and when they finally do
i can't motherfucking afford the copay
creative ability, a want to learn, and make things
but no means to.

I keep hacking
at these walls
the universe throws in my way
it's not working
and not
for lack
of trying."

basically, just venting. Unfortunately, you wouldn't be able to get the proper idea of what this picture is of without the journal excerpts. :/ probably you still won't get it anyway.

note- when i say suicidal, i don't mean like. ._. i'm actually suicidal. what i mean by that is the 'it begs the question..' bit.