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More from leonloco
This is a series I am working on, maybe to make as a book, or just a series online. I don't know. I'm posting these here to get feedback and critique. Give me your thoughts. They are always appreciated. Thank you
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 113 x 120px
File Size 149 kB
I should note that I haven't read the other chapters you've posted yet.
I wouldn't change the opening paragraph too much. It grabs my attention because it strikes an emotional tone that's relatable. The concept of being teased because of our appearance is also something a lot of people can relate to, myself included.
I wouldn't introduce all of your characters in a single paragraph like that though. Trying to get your characters out like that makes them feel rushed and not as fleshed out as I'd want to see for a first chapter. I'd rather see them placed well and described well, even if only one or two characters end up being used in this chapter.
It depends on how long you want this story to be, but I'd suggest having some sort of incident like with a bully or something that'd open up a better opportunity to explain Leon's situation more in-depth rather than explaining it outright.
One last thing, probably more nitpicking than anything, but 17 semicolons on about two pages seems a bit much. I'd use it more sparingly.
I hope this helps! I look forward to reading more.
I wouldn't change the opening paragraph too much. It grabs my attention because it strikes an emotional tone that's relatable. The concept of being teased because of our appearance is also something a lot of people can relate to, myself included.
I wouldn't introduce all of your characters in a single paragraph like that though. Trying to get your characters out like that makes them feel rushed and not as fleshed out as I'd want to see for a first chapter. I'd rather see them placed well and described well, even if only one or two characters end up being used in this chapter.
It depends on how long you want this story to be, but I'd suggest having some sort of incident like with a bully or something that'd open up a better opportunity to explain Leon's situation more in-depth rather than explaining it outright.
One last thing, probably more nitpicking than anything, but 17 semicolons on about two pages seems a bit much. I'd use it more sparingly.
I hope this helps! I look forward to reading more.
Howdy!
It's great to see that you're looking to improve your work. Overall your sentences aren't too bad so I'm going to focus on the broad strokes of your chapter to improve on construction.
Your first chapter... doesn't do much for your story. How much of this is 100% necessary for the plot? What can be shown, rather than told? Herman Melville forwarded Moby Dick with a complete treatise on whaling, but we don't have that sort of time, and we don't have that sort of patience with today's audiences.
By the end of this chapter we have an uncomfortably in-depth understanding of characters. Are they all very major? Do we need this much detail about them?
If you are writing fiction, and not memoir, do we need this much knowledge, and do we need this autobiographical approach.
Think - "What is my story about?" More specifically, "What events make up my story?" Use that to inform what to put in your scenes. Does it help push the story forward? If not, is it absolutely necessary or can it be cut?
I think that covers a bit of ground, and I hope it helps.
Keep writing!
It's great to see that you're looking to improve your work. Overall your sentences aren't too bad so I'm going to focus on the broad strokes of your chapter to improve on construction.
Your first chapter... doesn't do much for your story. How much of this is 100% necessary for the plot? What can be shown, rather than told? Herman Melville forwarded Moby Dick with a complete treatise on whaling, but we don't have that sort of time, and we don't have that sort of patience with today's audiences.
By the end of this chapter we have an uncomfortably in-depth understanding of characters. Are they all very major? Do we need this much detail about them?
If you are writing fiction, and not memoir, do we need this much knowledge, and do we need this autobiographical approach.
Think - "What is my story about?" More specifically, "What events make up my story?" Use that to inform what to put in your scenes. Does it help push the story forward? If not, is it absolutely necessary or can it be cut?
I think that covers a bit of ground, and I hope it helps.
Keep writing!
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