287 – Ravenous Maw
By admin on November 24th, 2015

So THAT is a Ravenous Maw. It’s got a tongue and it looks like a carnivorous plant, but it’s actually a carnivorous FUNGUS. Pretty much anything that grows in Dark World is a fungus or an algae or something that doesn’t require light to grow.

Oh, also I’ve been informed that I actually misused the term “nigh terror” the other day. I had thought that a night terror was the nightmare that accompanied noctural paralysis, but, rather, a night terror is a really intense nightmare that causes the dreamer to thrash around, jump out of bed, scream, etc. often while appearing to be awake but without any perception of the real world around them. It’s apparently related to PTSD, and I just realized that I do have a good friend who suffers from these. Sometimes I’ll be sleeping over at his house and I’ll hear him start yelling WHAT WHAT WHAT THE FUCK OH SHIT AAAA in the next room and occasionally see him come running out into the hallway. I’ve never experienced anything like that. While I do thrash around at night, it’s always the kind of thrashing that specifically accompanies noctural paralysis: The kind where you’re desperate to move but can’t so you’re mostly flailing your head back and forth trying to wake yourself up.

Speaking of dreams, here’s a crazy one I had recently! I was in the desert and there was this monster chasing me, this giant red armored caterpillar thing like a million legs, huge gouts of flame shooting from its head. For those of you old geezers out there, it kinda looked like Tundro from the old Herculoids TV show. I used to catch reruns of that show when I was a kid, but I hadn’t thought about it in years. Funny how dreams work. Anyway, so I get in my car to escape, cuz the monster’s pretty far away; it’s like on the horizon, but moving toward me pretty quickly.
I try to drive away but the road is clogged with people, so I swerve into a ditch, jump out of my car and onto a convenient bicycle. I start to pedal away but I start to feel guilty about all those people back on the road who are giong to be killed by the monster, so I go back to warn them.
They turn out to be a bunch of old, weather-beaten farm people with sour looks and craggy faces.
They don’t believe me about the monster coming. In fact, this one old black woman comes out and starts yelling about how I brought the judgment upon us all. As she’s yelling, I look down into the gorge next to the road (cuze the road is now a mountain pass) and it’s full of people, all carrying candles — just masses of them, huddled down there with their candles all hiding from the monster.

THEN I flash back to an earlier incident: I am living in an apartment in Los Angeles. I say to my wife (who is not my real life wife), “There’s a monster coming to get me.” So she takes our daughter (who doesn’t exist in real life) and plans to escape with her while I take a different route. I plan to go north because there are fewer people up north and thus there will be less collateral damage. Oh also apparently the only way to kill the monster is to decapitate it. I have the head of the previous monster that attacked me in a plastic bag; it’s a bowser fursuit head. I also have its body is sealed up in my closet. Then I go to the bathroom, but my wife insists that I can’t use the toilet because she wants to clean it and we have a huge argument that culminates in a hate fuck. While we’re having sex, she tells me “Oh, by the way, my daughter found The Equipment.” You see, in my dream, my wife is a big auto-erotic asphyxiation fanatic and her daughter (not the previously mentioned daughter, one that she had from a previous marriage) is lying dead on the couch, still wearing a weird breathing-restricting gas mask looking apparatus.

That’s when I realize Oh shit I get it, the monster has been a metaphor for my guilt over this dead kid the whole time!!!!

BUT THEN, before I can get out, a British bobby played by Chris Pratt appears in my home. I need to play it cool so that he doesn’t arrest me for negligence in the death of my step-daughter. Luckily, by this point in the dream I am played by Academy award winning actor Ben Kingsley
I give Chris Pratt a big spiel about how I’m really a spy and the nose I’m wearing ISN’T EVEN MY REAL NOSE!!! It’s a fake nose!!!!

Then I think, hey I should write this dream down, so I start writing it down… and then I woke up!

True story.

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