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I'm sick of this house, the way i've been raised. I was conditioned into thinking happiness was a bad thing, having fun was shortlived and should be punished. Its no fun being raised into being hateful, angry and depressed. I was always reminded as a child to protect myself, to grow up fast and fight when I needed to...and to never show weakness to the world.
Its breaking my heart, I had so much fun with my little brother when he got out of hospital for a few hours, I looked after him, I made him laugh, I was a big sister and a guardian. Mum came in and shouted at me for my window latch being broken and told me I was ''Just Another Problem''...
Apparently i'm heavy handed and its all my fault. My window has never been good, so all of this is all my damn fault.
My mum one minute acts nice, then spiteful the next whenever I do something good or bad.
Apparently my mental health problems are all MY fault and MY doing. I made myself depressed, anxious, psychotic and angry. Its all my doing because I think i'm a fucking animal. I do my best, I try to keep everyone happy, especially since my bro's been in hospital...i've been doing my fucking best to help out around the house but I get nothing but neglect in return for my good will.
Its hard to keep it together on a good day, it fucking hurts to smile but I do it for my family.
Putting on a mask every day has always hurt...but I can't keep doing this anymore.
I used to be a strong lion, tough, heartless, cold and in a shell with armour all around me, nothing broke me...nothing bent me...nothing got to me, now little things drive me to the brink of breakdowns.
I can't see a doctor for 2 weeks, until my money comes in as noone can give me a lift to the doctor, I can't walk because my tendons are painful 99.9% of the time and walking a short distance is agony. I need to see my doctor, i'm cracking up and noone can seem to save me, my heart is aching and I just dont feel affection anymore. I'm numb, numb from pain, numb from my past, numb from my medication, depression, anxiety and psychosis. I have problems with living, I can't function like normal people. Stepdad jokes and makes fun of me because apparently because they don't believe I have disabilities, that I should be working to earn more money to pay for what they can't have.
Money is tight in the house, I paid £500 towards thier debts I was promised I would get back, but looking more likely to not get that back at all. It was my disability allowance that paid for that.
I'm losing grip on reality and starting to zone out again, so i'll leave this here.
Its breaking my heart, I had so much fun with my little brother when he got out of hospital for a few hours, I looked after him, I made him laugh, I was a big sister and a guardian. Mum came in and shouted at me for my window latch being broken and told me I was ''Just Another Problem''...
Apparently i'm heavy handed and its all my fault. My window has never been good, so all of this is all my damn fault.
My mum one minute acts nice, then spiteful the next whenever I do something good or bad.
Apparently my mental health problems are all MY fault and MY doing. I made myself depressed, anxious, psychotic and angry. Its all my doing because I think i'm a fucking animal. I do my best, I try to keep everyone happy, especially since my bro's been in hospital...i've been doing my fucking best to help out around the house but I get nothing but neglect in return for my good will.
Its hard to keep it together on a good day, it fucking hurts to smile but I do it for my family.
Putting on a mask every day has always hurt...but I can't keep doing this anymore.
I used to be a strong lion, tough, heartless, cold and in a shell with armour all around me, nothing broke me...nothing bent me...nothing got to me, now little things drive me to the brink of breakdowns.
I can't see a doctor for 2 weeks, until my money comes in as noone can give me a lift to the doctor, I can't walk because my tendons are painful 99.9% of the time and walking a short distance is agony. I need to see my doctor, i'm cracking up and noone can seem to save me, my heart is aching and I just dont feel affection anymore. I'm numb, numb from pain, numb from my past, numb from my medication, depression, anxiety and psychosis. I have problems with living, I can't function like normal people. Stepdad jokes and makes fun of me because apparently because they don't believe I have disabilities, that I should be working to earn more money to pay for what they can't have.
Money is tight in the house, I paid £500 towards thier debts I was promised I would get back, but looking more likely to not get that back at all. It was my disability allowance that paid for that.
I'm losing grip on reality and starting to zone out again, so i'll leave this here.
Category All / All
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we are hear for you. just because you might feel you are on your own i dose not mean you have to face it alone we are hear to walk alongside you, stand by you, carry you and if needs be fight with you do not keep up and act that is painful sometime the Strongest and hardest things to do is to beak down and cry, cry with emotion, cry for help the thing is we are hear to wipe away the tears to stitch an open wound and mend a broken hart throw this hate out evan if its all that's holding you together it will not give you peace, embrace the love of others evan if you have none to give, allow your self to be overwhelmed with your feelings and express them to those who want to help. i might not know your circumstances i might not know how you feel and i might not understand but i will not let you stand alone, and the best bit is im not the only one who will stand by you
How dare people say your mental illness is somehow your fault. It's isn't. It never has been, and it never will be. No matter what, I'll be here to support you, as the rest of us here will. You don't have to be wearing a mask, pretending to be strong and heartless all the time. I tell this to every fur who's going through a crisis, and I'll tell you the same thing...
I'm not a counsellor by any means, but I don't mind one bit being someone's shoulder to cry on.
I'm not a counsellor by any means, but I don't mind one bit being someone's shoulder to cry on.
Don't worry, your friends will always be there for you.
Maybe your mom feels also "guilty" of "passing the mental illness to you", like you feared you did with your bro (Which in this case was of course not your fault!!) and, in "her confusion" is pushing you away subconsciously? I dunno..?
Have you tried just *calling* your doctor? maybe he/she can offer some help on the phone? Explain your situation.. might work!
I wore a mask during my whole chemo. I know the feeling.
But with US you don't have to.
We are there to support you!
Maybe your mom feels also "guilty" of "passing the mental illness to you", like you feared you did with your bro (Which in this case was of course not your fault!!) and, in "her confusion" is pushing you away subconsciously? I dunno..?
Have you tried just *calling* your doctor? maybe he/she can offer some help on the phone? Explain your situation.. might work!
I wore a mask during my whole chemo. I know the feeling.
But with US you don't have to.
We are there to support you!
Wow, that's hard to hear. My dad always treated my Autistic brother in a similar way, so I know how you feel. And he did the same thing with my chronic illness, like it's my fault for being sick, and it's something I can control -- when it's actually genetic and I can't do shit but writhe in pain. Parents can be harsh sometimes, and the world in and of itself is an unfortunate vestige for hatred.
But the furry fandom is different... Allow us to be the family that loves you, and the friends that spur you onto brighter things. Don't let anyone bring you down, and don't let words hurt you. In the end it's your mum to blame, and not you. Perhaps she has a mental problem of her own and you should seek help for her? I don't know. I really don't have much experience in matters such as this, so I can't say that I know firsthand how you feel.
I'm not sure anyone knows how you feel. But we know how you should feel... you should be happy and free and you should love life. We're here to support you, bud, don't ever forget that. Just remember that tomorrow's always another day, and that things can change. All bad things must come to an end, and the good things will be here to anchor you until then. Just take care, eh? We care for ya.
But the furry fandom is different... Allow us to be the family that loves you, and the friends that spur you onto brighter things. Don't let anyone bring you down, and don't let words hurt you. In the end it's your mum to blame, and not you. Perhaps she has a mental problem of her own and you should seek help for her? I don't know. I really don't have much experience in matters such as this, so I can't say that I know firsthand how you feel.
I'm not sure anyone knows how you feel. But we know how you should feel... you should be happy and free and you should love life. We're here to support you, bud, don't ever forget that. Just remember that tomorrow's always another day, and that things can change. All bad things must come to an end, and the good things will be here to anchor you until then. Just take care, eh? We care for ya.
Hugs
You truly have had a lot go on I won't clam to know how you are feeling my friend, but I do understand the feeling of cracking up and feeling like no one can seem to save you while you wear a mask every day to hide.
But you don't have to go it alone my friend as you will always have your fur friends and we'll stand by your side and help out in any way we can.
If you ever want to talk my friend then I'm here for you.
You truly have had a lot go on I won't clam to know how you are feeling my friend, but I do understand the feeling of cracking up and feeling like no one can seem to save you while you wear a mask every day to hide.
But you don't have to go it alone my friend as you will always have your fur friends and we'll stand by your side and help out in any way we can.
If you ever want to talk my friend then I'm here for you.
Hey old friend, don't be so hard on yourself. You are an awesome person, and don't let others put you down. Don't let those bad thoughts get to you either.
You can always vent to me if you want, all you have to do is send me a note. I'm a good listener. Seriously though if we lived in the same country, I'd invite you over to my house whenever you'd want. We could hang out and what not. But sadly, we don't live in the same country and I hate that >_< I wish I could just give you a hug. I didn't say anything on this post early because I honestly didn't know what to say other then I kind of understand how you feel. I struggle with depression and self-loathing so dealing with bad thoughts is hard. But I've yet to tell anyone offline about it because honestly I fear the same reactions you've gotten.
But if you ever wanna talk, just note me. I might not respond right away but I will when I can. You are one of the few people I trust and can call friend, so please try your hardest to get better. *hugs* You're still the same hilarious crazy cougar to me when I first met ya <3
You can always vent to me if you want, all you have to do is send me a note. I'm a good listener. Seriously though if we lived in the same country, I'd invite you over to my house whenever you'd want. We could hang out and what not. But sadly, we don't live in the same country and I hate that >_< I wish I could just give you a hug. I didn't say anything on this post early because I honestly didn't know what to say other then I kind of understand how you feel. I struggle with depression and self-loathing so dealing with bad thoughts is hard. But I've yet to tell anyone offline about it because honestly I fear the same reactions you've gotten.
But if you ever wanna talk, just note me. I might not respond right away but I will when I can. You are one of the few people I trust and can call friend, so please try your hardest to get better. *hugs* You're still the same hilarious crazy cougar to me when I first met ya <3
Howdy there. I just wanted to say I think you've been given the short end of the stick with your unsympathetic parents. The best you can do for now is probably survive for you and your brother. Love him no matter what your parents think of it. Something is very wrong with them to call you a problem and poke fun at your insecurities.
I've seen people survive this kind of thing before, you just have to ignore the trolls and pansies to make it past. *hugs*
I've seen people survive this kind of thing before, you just have to ignore the trolls and pansies to make it past. *hugs*
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