So something super duper fun (see: not at all fun) about being trans is that a lot of us have to be on filter at all times, irrelevant of where you are in your transition. A lot of this is inferred and implied by more experienced trans people, and it’s definitely felt by all of us, but I don’t think it’s talked about enough. If not for the sake of those questioning or just learning their identities and the challenges they’ll face and not for the people who will never experience it and don’t know what we face.

It’s pretty known that a lot of our culture is aggressive and even violent towards trans people, much of which isn’t even recorded statistically so we can actually know how much danger our community faces. Not only do we have to be on edge around strangers or people who don’t know we’re trans to avoid accidentally outing ourselves by idly mentioning “when I was a [insert starter package here]…” or referring to functions generally rare with the sex we’re perceived as, but the sheer amount of ignorance regarding trans experiences means we have to be on edge around people who are even knowledgeable, loving and accepting of us. I can’t really be around my family, who are generally pretty rad about my identity, because they are always accidentally outing me, which is dangerous for me socially, and is just not great for keeping dysphoria at bay. My partner, who even also has very loose ties to gender, was recently weighing how he should talk about me to his mom whom is unaware of my transition; he thought he might describe it as a birth defect - a term that makes me, and I imagine just about anyone with variant gender identities, cringe at least a little because it basically implies that our identities are a wrong that should be righted. It’s a very invalidating and freak-show sort of thing to call an important part of someone’s personhood. By no means am I accusing any of these people of being malicious or lazy about learning, but a lack of understanding will be found in anyone, irrelevant of how close and well-meaning, and weird little smacks will come out of nowhere and are not uncommon because these are people who cannot possibly relate to our positions.

On top of that, there’s a lot of judgement and policing within our own community, like the rejection of non-binary genders and trans people that don’t experience dysphoria, or biases about how trans people should dress/pass and when/how/if they should transition. From other trans people. In a place, of all places, that should be a safe zone. The politics behind these issues are nuanced, mired in history and insufficient academic understanding, and can be extremely subjective, but that’s another conversation and none of it justifies active rejection or invalidation on someone else’s personal experiences, transition and identity, which I still see happen regularly.

I feel like being trans, even in a safe environment, is a lot like hiking in the wilderness. Even when it seems calm, you have to stay alert for potentially dangerous situations, animals, and weather. But unlike most hikes, you never really get to go to a nice safe town with a nice safe bed when you’re done being ready to bolt or bite.

This sounds like a pretty bleak way to see the lives of trans people, and I’m not going to pretend like I know some rocky path with beautiful sunbeams at the end where things will be better; I pretty much anticipate that this is just how life will always be for me, along with a lot of trans people alive now. But it is something you learn to deal with, and it is something that makes you badass. It makes you a social survivor with claws and hide and awareness cisgender people will probably never develop. Go be your badass damn self.

(Also funfact: each part of my doodle includes the colors of different gender pride flags. top fella=intersex; left fella=trans; right fella=pangender; arrows=genderfluid; axes=agender; knives=nonbinary; background=genderqueer)

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