Couple of suggestions. When a new person is speaking, begin a new paragraph. It helps the reader to know this is someone else talking, even if they're not sure who. With every change of speaker, it is a good idea to do this.

While it's got potential, you should remember that the reader may not be familar with the details of the world you're creating. I would describe the general atmosphere, is this the US, another time, are there space ships or horse carts? Does he have a cell phone or a pocketwatch?

Also, rhyming names or seeminly rhyming names should be avoided. Rathe and Saithe sound almost like they match. I would change one of the names.

Lastly, if they were trying to kill him, I doubt they'd leave him for an hour to be found and then follow a stranger that for reasons unknown to them comes to pick him up a full hour after the attack, and know where he went. It would make more sense if it was either immediately after the attack, or they had to interrogate someone to see where the body went. Or maybe better yet, they are surprised to see him alive at a later date.

Hope this helps you.

Cool thanks. By the way the Main charater's name is Saith and it's pronounced Say ith but it's cool. But this sample was just me rushing through it trying to get the idea down first and then edit later. And I know some of the dialog is off heh didn't notice that untill after you brought it to my attention thanks by the way ^_^. As for the atmosphere... I'm trying to keep the readers as clueless as the characters. It's a lot of chaos that the characters are going through so I tried to imply that so that the readers kind of feel the chaos... if that makes any sense. But if you want I can send you more of it if you like?


Thanks SOOO much for the criticism I need it!

Well, you can keep the audience in the dark but still go into detail about the kind of world they're in. Like what kind of level of civilization, technology, etc... Since there are no visual cues, you have to help the audience paint a picture of what's going on. *hugs* It's a fine art, and tough to manage. Though I think if you talk about the world more, it would be helpful. Like, I don't know the size of the city, whether they should have ray guns or sticks. You know?

Ah heh, well with this version I tried to keep on track with out too many details like before. But this is something that takes practice. I will get it down pat soon! *shakes fist*

In this case I think there was too little detail. Increase it just a little.

Will do ^_^