It's much better, but you should try to make it moreformal, so instead of saying something like I think, you should put I believe.I don't think that is in the story, but you get the idea.Right?It's better because you made it more serious than before.As for the change in formality I recomend using a thesarus.<--Don't know if I spelled that right.

wish i had one . . . *whimpers*

You can use an online one.Just go to google.

oh ok forgot about that

that's pretty good hon, I am not sure what some of it means, I'm kinda working my way back (only way I can catch up) but it seems well thought out.

Critiques? well I don't read (well I'm learning to now but give me a break) so I'm not sure how to give feedback. I think your correct in wanting to take this story out of the first person, that seems to help this. I think there is allot of explaining still though, have the characters already been introduced earlier? if so that would be a good time to just take a paragraph for each new character as they come in to talk about them.