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" What is the point? Is there any point at all? The more I think about it, the more depressed I get. I can't stop thinking about it. It is like a scratch I cant get to, a pain in my tooth I can’t get rid of. The more I think about it, the colder I get and the crappier the weather becomes around me.
" There is no answer to my problems. There is no one I can turn to. There is only cold air and darkness that swims around my soul. Everywhere i turn, I always feel sadness around every corner. I don’t want to feel this way every day. I don’t want to feel coldness upon my shoulders every waking hour. Sadness, depression, freezing chills, hopeless thoughts...I just want to end it all. I want to kill myself.
" Ending everything by stopping my heart. Stop the heart and the pain will stop. That is want I have been thinking about for so long now. I see sharp objects lying around my room and the temptation of raking my arms and wrists comes to mind. I see medication pills and beer in my kitchen and overdosing myself replays in my head. Sometimes, I feel Death himself is watching over me, waiting for me to end it all so I could pick up my soul. Sometimes, I just don’t care anymore and think ' Take me, Death. I don’t care anymore... ' I will feel no pain, no more sorrow, no more depression once I leave my body. My body is like a cold spiked metal cage for my soul, and everyday it gets colder and smaller, each spike piercing through my soul without control.
" If I kill myself, would people miss me? If I end my life, would people care? If I decide to end it all, would it make a difference at all? If I kill myself, would I myself regret doing it? ' It is a mortal sin to take your life. Take your life and you will burn in Hell. ' Is there a Heaven and Hell? Would I just be a wondering spirit? Would I change into something else? Would I reply my life over and over again like rewinding a tape? Would I just become nothingness and continue to feel cold and alone? ... Would I still suffer pain and depression even if I kill my physical being? Is this a test that ' God ' has set for me? Did ' God ' make me the way I am, creating me to suffer for his own amusement? Or, am I just a misplaced being that He doesn't even care about?
" Depression. Anger. Sadness. Loneliness. Cold. Dark. Alone. I don’t want to feel or face those anymore. This world is sick, plagued with vermin and disease, a large cage for us to live in, feeling the useable attacks of it everyday and night for years. It is like Hell with invisible devils with pitchforks, poking at us as they laugh and dance around our broken bodies.
. . .
" Maybe I am just overreacting. The weather has gotten me down once again and all i feel is cold and loneliness. Sometimes candy perks up my mood for a while. TV sometimes entertains me and destroys my brain. I am too weak to kill myself. I don’t have the strength or the guts to do it. All bark, no bite. Maybe Mother Nature will end it for me. It’s that or old age. All I can do right now is just to do laundry and maybe get some icecreame.... Cookie dough sounds nice... maybe with some hot chocolate syrup on top... That sounds good. "
- Amanda
Cold Thoughts © 2008 Alex Cockburn
" There is no answer to my problems. There is no one I can turn to. There is only cold air and darkness that swims around my soul. Everywhere i turn, I always feel sadness around every corner. I don’t want to feel this way every day. I don’t want to feel coldness upon my shoulders every waking hour. Sadness, depression, freezing chills, hopeless thoughts...I just want to end it all. I want to kill myself.
" Ending everything by stopping my heart. Stop the heart and the pain will stop. That is want I have been thinking about for so long now. I see sharp objects lying around my room and the temptation of raking my arms and wrists comes to mind. I see medication pills and beer in my kitchen and overdosing myself replays in my head. Sometimes, I feel Death himself is watching over me, waiting for me to end it all so I could pick up my soul. Sometimes, I just don’t care anymore and think ' Take me, Death. I don’t care anymore... ' I will feel no pain, no more sorrow, no more depression once I leave my body. My body is like a cold spiked metal cage for my soul, and everyday it gets colder and smaller, each spike piercing through my soul without control.
" If I kill myself, would people miss me? If I end my life, would people care? If I decide to end it all, would it make a difference at all? If I kill myself, would I myself regret doing it? ' It is a mortal sin to take your life. Take your life and you will burn in Hell. ' Is there a Heaven and Hell? Would I just be a wondering spirit? Would I change into something else? Would I reply my life over and over again like rewinding a tape? Would I just become nothingness and continue to feel cold and alone? ... Would I still suffer pain and depression even if I kill my physical being? Is this a test that ' God ' has set for me? Did ' God ' make me the way I am, creating me to suffer for his own amusement? Or, am I just a misplaced being that He doesn't even care about?
" Depression. Anger. Sadness. Loneliness. Cold. Dark. Alone. I don’t want to feel or face those anymore. This world is sick, plagued with vermin and disease, a large cage for us to live in, feeling the useable attacks of it everyday and night for years. It is like Hell with invisible devils with pitchforks, poking at us as they laugh and dance around our broken bodies.
. . .
" Maybe I am just overreacting. The weather has gotten me down once again and all i feel is cold and loneliness. Sometimes candy perks up my mood for a while. TV sometimes entertains me and destroys my brain. I am too weak to kill myself. I don’t have the strength or the guts to do it. All bark, no bite. Maybe Mother Nature will end it for me. It’s that or old age. All I can do right now is just to do laundry and maybe get some icecreame.... Cookie dough sounds nice... maybe with some hot chocolate syrup on top... That sounds good. "
- Amanda
Cold Thoughts © 2008 Alex Cockburn
Category All / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 715 x 521px
File Size 361.8 kB
Listed in Folders
Wow that was weird to read cause it sounded just like me. I have had times where i have thought of things like that. To end it all. But for some strange reason.....I am still here. And I know now that there must be a reason. There must be. I have the scares to prove my pain, both Physical and mostly Mental. But I am still here. I can not see myself doing something so harsh to myself anymore, nothing painful.
Perhaps I put to much thought into these little scenarios. But then again it may be what you are looking for, our thoughts on the subject. O-kemono, you illustrate the subjects of stories such as this one, and do a masterful job. My talent, if you can call it that, is not with the brush, but in the words I pen. This is a subject that strikes a sensitive cord in my very soul so with your permission I will address this with my thoughts. I just hope if just one finds hope then my effort is not wasted.
Amanda, I know what darkness, cold and gloomy whether can stir sadness in ones soul. There is one thought you have overlooked. Do we have the right to take ourselves out the scheme of things? Or should we ride out the storm just to see what tomorrow brings. It is not a question of strength or guts that keep us going but curiosity. I say live to see what happens. Sooner or later things will get better. I have faith in this and thus I have faith in you. Gather your friends close and take solace in their company. When you are alone, remember your friends and this will see you through.
Amanda, I know what darkness, cold and gloomy whether can stir sadness in ones soul. There is one thought you have overlooked. Do we have the right to take ourselves out the scheme of things? Or should we ride out the storm just to see what tomorrow brings. It is not a question of strength or guts that keep us going but curiosity. I say live to see what happens. Sooner or later things will get better. I have faith in this and thus I have faith in you. Gather your friends close and take solace in their company. When you are alone, remember your friends and this will see you through.
I read once somewhere, "You're life belongs to more than just you"
If you kill yourself you hurt your family and anyone else that might stumble upon your name one day just to find out your gone.
Maybe not a lot, but its there.
If life feels hard horrible and unforgiving, then isn't that even more reason to live it?
These are challenges to overcome and be strengthened by.
Without them, what would life be like?
It might be nice to have everything perfect, but there's a good reason why it feels so good to get things right.
It's because it was hard to get.
You can only move forward, keep going and get stronger.
Use the pain to help you keep going, use it as your drive.
Personally I don't see suicide as a sin or anything special. I see it as hurting those around me for my own selfish escape.
To just run away.
I want to be stronger, so no matter how hard life is I'll take every bit of pain and turn it into something better. For my family, for my friends, and anyone I might be closer to in the future.
Move forward, get stronger, overcome the walls and evolve.
Not everyone gets the chance to be alive either ya know.
Cherish it.
Also, you'd miss having icecream.
If you kill yourself you hurt your family and anyone else that might stumble upon your name one day just to find out your gone.
Maybe not a lot, but its there.
If life feels hard horrible and unforgiving, then isn't that even more reason to live it?
These are challenges to overcome and be strengthened by.
Without them, what would life be like?
It might be nice to have everything perfect, but there's a good reason why it feels so good to get things right.
It's because it was hard to get.
You can only move forward, keep going and get stronger.
Use the pain to help you keep going, use it as your drive.
Personally I don't see suicide as a sin or anything special. I see it as hurting those around me for my own selfish escape.
To just run away.
I want to be stronger, so no matter how hard life is I'll take every bit of pain and turn it into something better. For my family, for my friends, and anyone I might be closer to in the future.
Move forward, get stronger, overcome the walls and evolve.
Not everyone gets the chance to be alive either ya know.
Cherish it.
Also, you'd miss having icecream.
I love the way that your artwork creates so much atmosphere and emotion. You really have a knack for getting people to put themselves into the shoes of the characters and scenerios you create. I think your artwork is amazing. It's like a Picasso in a sea of Da Vinci's: Very Unique and beautiful. You are a terrific artist and a great story teller!
just loneliness pounding on you hard, too many days have i tried to find someone and be rejected every time, too many times have i thought of killing myself thinking it wouldent matter cause no one will miss me anyway, nothing ever matters to me, the cold world is harsh to live in, only place i can get by is online relationships but im sure they wont care either
Those thoughts cross my mind from time to time. Massive what ifs. Disturbing flashes of violence. It's aggravating, but I don't really have the choice in things. They just happen when I'm bored and frustrated. No intent to act on them. It's not just suicide that these thoughts consist of. Just, lots of things I wouldn't actually do, and know I wouldn't do, but I wonder what would happen if it was true.
Also, have you ever had a dream where you died? Just flat out -died- in the dream? I have before. Quite a few in the past. Man that's creepy. My most recent was a dream where I was different members of a family being hunted by vampires who needed the blood of the members of that family. First scene was the two parents being together and on a raft and pretty much screwed. Then the little girl was like, granted the knowledge that she was the only one left, and the only way to stop the vampires was to kill herself. Right around that time there was a real train going by I think. Anyway, in the dream, I suddenly was this little girl, being chased by the vampires flying in the air. And there's this train coming. I'm running away from them, also running away from the train, when it hits me. "Fuck it." And She/I jump in front of the train, back to it, limbs spread. I FEEL it smack into my back and knock the wind out of me, and then things just completely fade out. Blackness and silence. Nothingness. For a good 4-5 seconds before I wake up flat out. Just wide awake. Firm conclusion on the dream, but because of the satisfyingness of the plot of the dream, it wasn't really a BAD dream. Just... a dream where I died.
Yeah.
Also, have you ever had a dream where you died? Just flat out -died- in the dream? I have before. Quite a few in the past. Man that's creepy. My most recent was a dream where I was different members of a family being hunted by vampires who needed the blood of the members of that family. First scene was the two parents being together and on a raft and pretty much screwed. Then the little girl was like, granted the knowledge that she was the only one left, and the only way to stop the vampires was to kill herself. Right around that time there was a real train going by I think. Anyway, in the dream, I suddenly was this little girl, being chased by the vampires flying in the air. And there's this train coming. I'm running away from them, also running away from the train, when it hits me. "Fuck it." And She/I jump in front of the train, back to it, limbs spread. I FEEL it smack into my back and knock the wind out of me, and then things just completely fade out. Blackness and silence. Nothingness. For a good 4-5 seconds before I wake up flat out. Just wide awake. Firm conclusion on the dream, but because of the satisfyingness of the plot of the dream, it wasn't really a BAD dream. Just... a dream where I died.
Yeah.
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