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For All the times I Never Could

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Song Lyrics
I thought I saw the devil, this morning
Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue
With the warning to help me see myself clearer
I never meant to start a fire,
I never meant to make you bleed,
I'll be a better man today

I'll be good, I'll be good
And I'll love the world, like I should
Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good
For all of the times that I never could.

My past has tasted bitter for years now,
So I wield an iron fist
Grace is just weakness
Or so I've been told.
I've been cold, I've been merciless
But the blood on my hands scares me to death
Maybe I'm waking up today

I'll be good, I'll be good
And I'll love the world, like I should
I'll be good, I'll be good
I'll be good, I'll be good
For all of the light that I shut out
For all of the innocent things that I've doubt
For all of the bruises that I've caused and the tears
For all of the things that I've done all these years
Yeah, for all of the sparks that I've stomped out
For all of the perfect things that I doubt

I'll be good, I'll be good
And I'll love the world, like I should
Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good
For all of the times I never could.

Ooh oh oh
Ooh oh oh
For all of the times I never could.

I'll Be Good - Jaymes Young

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Image Description
Ever since I was little I always had it to be my dream to make you proud. I'd done everything that every young child could think of to impress you. Drew you pictures. Only for you to toss them away. Made you sculptures. Only for you to shatter and misplace. Played music for you. Only to be ignored. Followed every rule that was implemented. Only to be yelled at and given no recognition for my efforts.

To be shot down at such a young age, you would of thought that I would of given up this hopeless en devour. Instead, I pushed onward. Every year, every birthday, each candle that I blew out on my birthday cake I wished for the same thing over and over again. To make you proud of me. To have you love me like every television show said it was supposed to be like.

We didn't communicate much. But I still craved that recognition and to see you smile over my accomplishments. To see that I was worth all the hassle and that I was something precious.

I only wanted it more when she gave me up. When she tossed me aside and took all her brutality out on me. I knew she would no longer be able to give me that recognition that I desired. Although, who would want recognition from someone who would only deep throat the end of a bottle from sunrise to sunset. I nearly threw myself at your feet, begging for love more than ever after I had been tossed out on the curb in the freezing cold. A pathetic young pup, dirty, disgusting, and worn down, wanting someone to adopt it and give it the love it deserved.

Still I received nothing.

You let me stay in your home for I had no where else to go. But I felt forced to leave, and so I left. Fled to a place that only made things worse. That made me physically feel disgusted with myself rather than just mentally and emotionally. I crawled back to you when you offered your home once more, only for you to scowl at me like I was that filthy creature I always viewed myself to me.

I cried night after night, wondering what I had done to have failed my one goal in life as a small child.

Did my grades and high performance in school mean nothing to you?

Did my excel at art not impress you?

I joined in the things you enjoyed. Tried to partake in your life for you to notice me, but it never worked. Nothing ever would make you look at me like I wanted you to.

I worked every muscle in my body to make you proud and it was never even close to enough. I only now realize this as you kick me out just like she had not too many years ago. Throwing me out into the world again for me to struggle to find my way.

Sadly, it is only now that I realize I will never make you proud. I have been wanting the wrong thing for almost the past twenty-one years of my life. I shouldn't of been wanting you to be proud of me. I should of been wishing and praying on your god that you would actually see me.

That you would open your eyes and finally see who I am. Perhaps then, if I were ever to get you to see me and notice me for who I am, rather than who you'd always wanted me to be, that I could get you to be proud of me. But that is years down the road, and both of us know you do not have that much time left.

I'm not mad at you.

I could never be mad at you.

I'll keep praying to your god. I'll keep blowing out my candles on my birthday. The one just before yours. Which we would always celebrate on the same day. I'll keep hoping with the last shreds of dignity that I have left that one day you will see me for who I am.

Until then, I will take this opportunity to do what I can to sustain myself. To be in the arms of those that can see me for who I am.

I'll miss you everyday.

I'l keep longing for that approval.

But until then. This is the best that I can do.
I'll be good. I'll keep trying to make you proud.
I'm sorry.


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Art.Aden. MyEmetophobia
Music. Jaymes Young

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