The composition is really . . . odd. I want to say almost nonexistent because a lot of complete ideas are run together, creating a kind of,lumpy paragraph. That's about the only way that I can adequately describe it.

It seems, sort of like your trying to pull off a lighthearted wonderland kind of feel, but the prose doesn't seem like its stemming enough from Nya's perspective. And the way the narrator takes over at times, leading the reader and Nya along. It creates a discord between what should be a child's wonderment in exploring an unknown world, and an adult's expectation of how a child would react in an unforeseen situation. In order for something like this to work effectively, we need to be pulled fully into Nya's perspective, and experience the world through her eyes, rather than the narrator's. Which basically means, exposition up the yin-yang. And foils. Lots of them. Nya is only six after all.

When writing in this style, reality should be chucked straight out the window. You have a strong leaning towards realism in your other works, so learning imagist techniques is good practice. The ones that I can recommend that would work well here are: subjunctive tenses (creating emotion through the use of adjectives and verbs works well when writing this kind of thing), logical fallacies (because again, children don't bottle up their emotions the way adults do), feminine terms, (yeah, that last one sounds kind of sexist I know, but words are divided according to whether they are composed of soft or feminine sounds, and hard or masculine sounds, and masculine terms don't particularly mix well with imagist techniques. Not unless you want sheer graphic violence. Which in this case I highly doubt) and while writing, think light!. Nya is you is the reader. Make us feel that, and it will carry the reader through the world of your imagination.

I see what your saying and I'll try those techniques for sure,but the story isn't from Nya's perspective per se. I think the fairytale bent will apply to the general narration a little better in the events to come.

And thanks for all the in-depth comments. They mean a lot to me. I'd love to know your general thoughts on my earlier works(Baroque Symphony and such).

Well, I've got some free time at the moment. It's only, three a.m. where I am. Working the graveyard shift, it really messes with your internal clock so I'll go take a peak.

And I see what you're saying about the perspective. Its easy to forget that tone does not necessarily imply perspective, since the age of a character does not determine the age of the reader. (I let Nya's age color my thinking just a bit) The chronicles of narnia, the golden compass, alice in wonderland, they all had child (or child like) heroes, and they all created a narrative that everyone of any age could sit down and enjoy.

Hmm, I'll have to think more about what it means to apply the technique The definition of exposition, since it relates to composing expositions based on what a narrative would look like if it came from a character's perspective, rather than a static and impartial one.