A long time ago in a world far away, there was a land called Snack-Cakeia. All the little sweet sweets lived in a happy world, the chocolate zingers had been free from vanilla oppression for over fifty years, and the raspberry ones are now gaining their lands back (though they mostly use them for casinos). The zebra cakes run free in the plains while the honey buns buzzed. The arctic if full of playful snowballs with sunburn that love to wrestle. But there was panic, a massive nutrition facts calendar from ancient times predicted great doom. And restaurants were the best businesses out there, most notably Host and Big Debby. Those two are the biggest restaurants in the world, and nobody could compete with them, Yummy cakes tried but nobody cared about them.
Host was mad with power; it was owned by a twinkie who had all the attention in the world, he used gimmicks, costumes, and games to push his food. The twinkie was has always hated Big Debby, she never let him have anything; she stole his employees and even gave them new cheesy names. Big Debby was an “old” fashioned gal, she had old family country recipes and a cute face on her brand. She loved to let her customers think she was so sweet, but she was a little too sweet, even for an oatmeal cookie sandwich!
The twinkie was worried, he thought the end of the world was upon him and he wanted to go out on a big before he went. He truly was nervous because they say nothing can ever harm a twinkie, and he wanted to live while he could. After doing the numbers his accountants noticed that he was not making as much money as last year and that he was going to lose his yacht unless he brought up his profits. He called in his main accountant named Suzy Q, and she always gave the best advice. “Suzy Q, could you come in here for a moment?” the twnkie said through the intercom.
“What is it now sir, did you get a headache tryin’ to add two plus two…?” said Suzy Q. Suzy Q never really was the most patient woman in Snack-Cakeia; she didn’t like having to work for Host because he doesn’t really know how to handle the company himself. “…Or did you finally manage to turn off your computer without hitting the button on the hard drive.
“Suzy Q, I need you to tell me how our sales are, did we make our quotas because I need to make three more payments on my boat,” the twinkie said to Suzy Q. Host didn’t like how she talked to him but he knew the business couldn’t function without her so he puts up with it. The twinkie saw that as a restaurant with a “normal” owner they were fine, but the profit that he wanted was short. “What is going on, we are down 3% from last month, what happened?”
“You mean you don’t even know, there was an infestation of chocolate zingers here and all the vanilla ones don’t like it so they are going to the one in the raspberry zingers’ casino…” she said sarcastically wanting to know if he would buy it.
“Really, I thought that those guys make us look like we care more so…” the twinkie said.
Suzy Q interrupted, “No cream for brains, there’s a new restaurant down the street called Big Debby, she’s an old fashioned country girl, she started to copy us and her image of the old fashioned country girl is so popular that everyone loves it, even if her food isn’t as good as ours, she already knocked out that Yummy Cakes.” Host was astonished to hear this story; actually, he was completely freaking out.
“How can this be, what did I do wrong, who do I fire, what do I get rid of… ‘from now on if you are a chocodile you must leave now, you are all fired!” Host said into the intercom, freaking out over the news. “Suzy Q, we need to infiltrate this ‘Big Debby’ and see what her ploy is, come on Suzy Q!”
“Ugh my boss is a total ding dong…” she said following.
Upon entering the restaurant, Host barged through the line of customers and demanded to see Big Debby. “OUT OF MY WAY I AM HOST I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY MOVE IT OR LOSE IT… BIG DEBBY!” Suzy Q put her hand on her head and the whole restaurant stared at the twinkie .
Big Debby calmly walked out and was an extremely beautiful oatmeal cookie sandwich. The twinkie ruefully thought the same thing, he even lost some cream when he looked at her. “Now hi there, hows ya’ll doin’, what seems to be the problem honey bunz?” she asked calmly.
“What seems to be the problem, I’ll tell you what the problem is, one, we aren’t honey buns, I’m a twinkie and she is a Suzy Q, two, GET OUTTA HERE!” the twinkie exclaimed as Suzy Q slapped her forehead. “I ain’t losing my yacht to some cookie who wears a bonnet in 2012, my cakes are better and my restaurant is not going under!”
“I’m sorry suga but I spent my whole life tryin’ to get my business boomin’ but I don’t want you to feel threatened, I’ve heard about your place and I can tell ya that nobody can compete with Host, it’s gonna be around for a long… time...” Big Debby said as the twinkie ran away leaving her presumably confused.
“YOU CANNOT HURT A TWINKIE!”
“Ya betta run…” she whispered.
The next day the twinkie came to work with his wife. He thought that a pretty woman would be able to compete with that Big Debby. “Now cupcake, just stand there and show your thin streak of icing and those pointy chocolate chips and Big Debby will be out of here like old Dolly Madison, man I miss her, now just look so hot like you just came out of the oven!”
“Huh, listen cowboy, do you really think dressing your wife up like a Ho-Ho is really the best way to bring in customers, it won’t be the nicest family gimmick for…” Suzy Q began as the Host cut her short.
“Not now Suzy Q, I need to go see if Big Debby is stealing any of my ideas again…”
The twinkie went to Big Debby’s restaurant and was shocked to see what she had done. There were pairs of brownies all covered with rainbow sprinkles, and the twinkie did not like to see cakes with the same cakes. “What is going on here, cakes with the same cakes and rainbows, this is as unnatural as our ingredients!” The twinkie then ran into Big Debby’s office and was enraged.
“Hehehe, look suga, people have different interests and we need to show people that we care; I would think that a ‘smart’ guy like ya would know that, hum, I guess not…” Host pulled out his lasso and through it at Big Debby.
“Listen missy, I’m onto you, and by tomorrow I will have ALL the customers in my store with what I have planned!” the twinkie then stormed off with Big Debby chuckling at his expense.
The next day, the twinkie and placed numerous gimmicks in his store: his wife was still shaking her chocolate chips, he hired a group of loafs of bread named Wonder to perform, he hired a ding dong to perform comedy, he hired some snowballs to fight, and he forced his employees to work twice as hard.
“Um, lasso boy, wasn’t the point of this day to raise money, you’re spending a lot of money and I really don’t think one day’s notice was enough time for…” Suzy Q began but the twinkie wasn’t listening to her, as a Suzy Q is never wanted.
“Look girl, you got a sharp tongue and all but ya don’t know the first thing about buis-ness and… wait where is everyone… where are they… are they at… AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Suzy Q, why didn’t you tell me about this?”
“I did and ya know what, I quit, lata ya pudgy little chubby tubby!” she stormed out there.
All of his employees also stormed off and went to work for Big Debby as they were fed up with their labor treatment. Host was enraged and ran over to Big Debby’s. “Okay woman, I’ve had it, I am going to kill ya!” the twinkie then through his lasso at her and ran up to her. He was licking his lips and took a huge bite out of her; he was insane and mad with power, but luckily for Big Debby snack cakes don’t have nerves.
The police came to arrest the twinkie and he put up a fight, and those donuts were forceful. “Okay that’s it, let’s get out the whip cream can!” The cream was burning Host and he was finally taken away. He was crying, throwing a fit, ranting, and screaming he will be back, but he was finally taken away.
The calendar was wrong, the world wasn’t ending, twinkies were. All the cakes went to work for Big Debby, and didn’t want to be connected with Host anymore so they changed their names to cloud cakes and Swiss rolls. Nobody had ever heard from Suzy Q again, she never came back, but the world has changed like the ancient fig bars predicted.