Chuck Stein’s PCA Blog: The One Where I Promote My Book Like Crazy
By Deadpooljte23

I feel like I have been avoiding a very important topic that has been bothering me for some time now. That topic is…my new book! Not to brag, but my book has already sold 12, count ‘em, TWELVE copies in the student book store. I’m sure more would have been distributed to the public had the school book store not removed them for a lack of “useful information”. My book teaches you how deal with life! How is that not useful? Until My co-writer Sid and I find a publisher, you will have to wait for this piece of literary magic. But don’t worry baby birds, I’ll let you have a free taste of my marvel. Withour further ado.

Excerpt From How to Be a Guy: Rules to Live By™

How to Avoid a Fight

In your life time, your probably going to get into a fight. Its inevitable. In fact, in a survey I just made up, 97 percent of all Kanto males get into a fight between the ages of 17 and 28. If your reading this book, your probably somewhere between those ages. And if your reading this book, your also probably not a person who enjoys confrontation. I can relate. Hell, check out the about the author section on the back flap. Now take a look at my picture. I can’t walk the staircase to my room without getting winded. So if you hate pain and can‘t throw a punch, keep on reading. If for some miraculous reason you are physically fit, this next section is not for you. This entire book is not you. Go outside and keep the species alive. Attaboy.

Now there are 5 methods on avoiding fights. They are as follows:

1. Apologize immediately: Most people who start fights don’t even want to fight themselves. They only do it because its expected of them. But if you are willing to suck up your pride and apologize, then your attacker will feel no need to fight. The worst that could happen is a ribbing from your friends about being a pansy and telling you how they would have tore him a new one. (Warning! This method only applies to mon who NOT wish to fight. There is a chance that you are just fighting a testosterone powered meathead. Apologizing will only antagonize them.)

2. Act as if your mentally disturbed: No one ever wants to fight a insane man. An angry man is violent, but consistent. They punch, they kick, they stab. A crazy man however, Is not consistent. A crazy man will throw his feces at you. I do not recommend going this far when confronted with a fight. A simple foaming of the mouth and speaking in tongues will do. This plan works most of the time. If this theory doesn’t work, skip to the end of this section.

3. Flirt with you assailant: Nothing unnerves a mon more than being called “cinnamon buns” by another mon right as he’s rearing to kick your ass. They are less likely to hit a you if they think your going to cry out in pleasure pain in the process. This theory works almost as well as acting crazy. However, if your attacker is gay, then you may have a whole new set of problems to deal with.

4. Run away: The granddaddy of battle avoidance, this move works well in the fact that it depends exactly on how fast the attacker is. If one plans on employing this tactic, you should weight train for a few weeks to build up speed. This will e difficult, because if you are reading this, you are probably physical unfit. Be warned, if your attacker catches up to you, they are likely to beat you up twice as hard.

5. Vomit: This theory is recommended as a last ditch effort. No one wants to beat up a sick man. This trick is difficult, hell, near impossible. I have only used this tactic once. It helps when you vomit when under anxiety. But if you do accomplish it, I can guarantee that the worst that happens is a few cuts and bruises. Try not to vomit on your attacker. This will only make them angrier.

If none of these tactics work, I’m sorry. You have just entered a fight with a crazy person. Your probably going to get stabbed and/or strangled. With luck you’ll get out of the hospital in just a couple of weeks. At least you can rest easy knowing no one will hurt you in a hospital. That is, unless someone from the psych ward gets loose.

Well? Great Stuff, I know. A lot more where that came from! Look out for How to Be a Guy: Rules to Live By™ at your nearest book store in the near future.

Some of these I can actually relate to. Although the crazy feces throw and the gay attacker made me burst out laughing.

Rio: I'll buy one, 'mon, I need to figure out how to defuse the walking bomb that is my girlfriend.
Jewel: What did you say?!
Rio: Time to follow rule 4! RUN!