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DEPRESSION: - Noun - Severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
This past week has been most trying
So many fires to put out coupled with societal ignorance
I wish I could cry
But I can't
I honestly haven't been able to cry for awhile
Ever since I was told it was detrimental to my recovery in 2012
I've fought myself to not cry no matter how mentally wrought I was
But I need to cry
I wish I could cry
But I can't cry
It's like my body itself is so afraid of going back into surgery
So afraid that I'll feel that pain pounding from the inside my head
The pain of one's eye exploding is like no other pain
And I don't want to feel it again
But I want to cry
I so, so badly want to cry
I know it'd help if I cried
But yet I cannot
So these emotions are stuck
and all I can do is write them out
I'm just so tired of feeling so helpless
so useless
Knowing that it likely will require a bribe for an employer to take me seriously
Like I might as well just not write a resume at all
Just submit a blank form that treads "BLIND MAN - Hire Me For FREE MONEY!"
It hurts that I've become so jaded
I've worked for a family business
who opted to wait two years to tell me how awful a person I was
It took me two years after that to get another job
Little did I know this other job was going to turn out like the first
Being taken advantage of by a for profit Contractor for the disabled
who could've cared less if I advanced in the organization
beyond the title of "Department Bitch"
I've been fighting it for a few weeks
but there is an emptiness inside me
One I do not know how to fill
It frustrates me that I don't know how to fill this void
I also feel left behind
as so many folks have moved past MLP: Friendship is Magic
but I have not
I don't know what to move onto
What else is there now in which I personally can relate with?
At least with folks I may meet IRL?
I know I need to find a job
but such a part of me asks
"What's the point?"
I know not every employer will be like my predecessors
but knowing they will likely need a bribe, coercion, etc.
from the Office of Vocational Rehabilitation really hurts
It hurts worse than my Director comparing my disability to those of others
How is the state paying for me to start a job even going to guarantee
that I won't be treated like scum again?
Why can't people like me for me?
Why doesn't an employer want me for my education and skills?
Why is it people associate disability with stupidity?
This brings me back to when I worked in Clarion
On my last day
I got my last check
and a statement
"We had doubts but you made us more open to hiring people like you."
People like me?
What does that mean?
Though my employers since have shown
how much ignorance is out there
So professionally I feel stunted
One can only positively fight stereotypes so long
before they themselves wonder if it is truly worth it
in exchange for all the mental anguish
that often accompanies said efforts?
I know my efforts make a difference
Especially for those who may come after me
but why must I pay so much to make the difference?
Why must my family pay the price of what my condition labels me?
So much debt has been accrued
Largely a result of me
my medicines
my doctor's visits
and my apparent inability to hold a job
I'm not stupid
as a nurse implied when I was admitted for pneumonia
Why do people treat me like I'm dumb?
Would it matter if I wore a Spike the Dragon shirt?
Some may say yes but the answer is no
All I need is my white cane
and socially awkward appearance
That's the nail in the coffin
Does society think we with disabilities like being treated like foals?
If you want to treat me like a baby why not let me be a baby?
I'm already trapped within a prison of limitation
A prison in which I am the mercy of others to pull me in and out of
Why can't I feel at least comfortable if I'm sentenced to such treatment?
This goes on how we the disabled
are often seen as stupid welfare collectors
Well, duh
you keep us in our cribs all day
Never letting us out to learn, explore, and achieve
Sure you'll stroll us around to say things
like "We care about the disabled"
or "We pride ourselves on a diverse workforce"
But after that it's back into the crib
Sentenced to stay only where you want us
until another chance to show us off as prizes come up
I fear I'll never be understood
Not in IRL at least
and its not due to lack of determination
It's more the lack of follow up and fervor from those
who are supposed to be helping me
I'm tired of being in debt
I'm tired of being treated like a commodity
I'm tired of how society equates stupidity with disability
I'm tired of playing endless games with people who are
either overworked
or just don't care
But what am I most tired of?
That I can't cry!
I want to cry!
I need to cry!
But I can't cry!
Oh when will I fill this emptiness
The hole inside me?
Is there anything I have to genuinely look forward to?
So glad I have therapy on Monday
This past week has been most trying
So many fires to put out coupled with societal ignorance
I wish I could cry
But I can't
I honestly haven't been able to cry for awhile
Ever since I was told it was detrimental to my recovery in 2012
I've fought myself to not cry no matter how mentally wrought I was
But I need to cry
I wish I could cry
But I can't cry
It's like my body itself is so afraid of going back into surgery
So afraid that I'll feel that pain pounding from the inside my head
The pain of one's eye exploding is like no other pain
And I don't want to feel it again
But I want to cry
I so, so badly want to cry
I know it'd help if I cried
But yet I cannot
So these emotions are stuck
and all I can do is write them out
I'm just so tired of feeling so helpless
so useless
Knowing that it likely will require a bribe for an employer to take me seriously
Like I might as well just not write a resume at all
Just submit a blank form that treads "BLIND MAN - Hire Me For FREE MONEY!"
It hurts that I've become so jaded
I've worked for a family business
who opted to wait two years to tell me how awful a person I was
It took me two years after that to get another job
Little did I know this other job was going to turn out like the first
Being taken advantage of by a for profit Contractor for the disabled
who could've cared less if I advanced in the organization
beyond the title of "Department Bitch"
I've been fighting it for a few weeks
but there is an emptiness inside me
One I do not know how to fill
It frustrates me that I don't know how to fill this void
I also feel left behind
as so many folks have moved past MLP: Friendship is Magic
but I have not
I don't know what to move onto
What else is there now in which I personally can relate with?
At least with folks I may meet IRL?
I know I need to find a job
but such a part of me asks
"What's the point?"
I know not every employer will be like my predecessors
but knowing they will likely need a bribe, coercion, etc.
from the Office of Vocational Rehabilitation really hurts
It hurts worse than my Director comparing my disability to those of others
How is the state paying for me to start a job even going to guarantee
that I won't be treated like scum again?
Why can't people like me for me?
Why doesn't an employer want me for my education and skills?
Why is it people associate disability with stupidity?
This brings me back to when I worked in Clarion
On my last day
I got my last check
and a statement
"We had doubts but you made us more open to hiring people like you."
People like me?
What does that mean?
Though my employers since have shown
how much ignorance is out there
So professionally I feel stunted
One can only positively fight stereotypes so long
before they themselves wonder if it is truly worth it
in exchange for all the mental anguish
that often accompanies said efforts?
I know my efforts make a difference
Especially for those who may come after me
but why must I pay so much to make the difference?
Why must my family pay the price of what my condition labels me?
So much debt has been accrued
Largely a result of me
my medicines
my doctor's visits
and my apparent inability to hold a job
I'm not stupid
as a nurse implied when I was admitted for pneumonia
Why do people treat me like I'm dumb?
Would it matter if I wore a Spike the Dragon shirt?
Some may say yes but the answer is no
All I need is my white cane
and socially awkward appearance
That's the nail in the coffin
Does society think we with disabilities like being treated like foals?
If you want to treat me like a baby why not let me be a baby?
I'm already trapped within a prison of limitation
A prison in which I am the mercy of others to pull me in and out of
Why can't I feel at least comfortable if I'm sentenced to such treatment?
This goes on how we the disabled
are often seen as stupid welfare collectors
Well, duh
you keep us in our cribs all day
Never letting us out to learn, explore, and achieve
Sure you'll stroll us around to say things
like "We care about the disabled"
or "We pride ourselves on a diverse workforce"
But after that it's back into the crib
Sentenced to stay only where you want us
until another chance to show us off as prizes come up
I fear I'll never be understood
Not in IRL at least
and its not due to lack of determination
It's more the lack of follow up and fervor from those
who are supposed to be helping me
I'm tired of being in debt
I'm tired of being treated like a commodity
I'm tired of how society equates stupidity with disability
I'm tired of playing endless games with people who are
either overworked
or just don't care
But what am I most tired of?
That I can't cry!
I want to cry!
I need to cry!
But I can't cry!
Oh when will I fill this emptiness
The hole inside me?
Is there anything I have to genuinely look forward to?
So glad I have therapy on Monday
Category All / Miscellaneous
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 1024 x 940px
File Size 156.8 kB
Listed in Folders
you need a good long cry, and someone to hug and cry with you. crying is a natural stress and pain relief method your body uses to help get over your trauma. idgaf what any "doctor" or "certified therapist" says. the more you hold in that need, the more it detriments your ability to recover.
*Nods* I agree. I actually should be able to cry now that the threat of my eye exploding again is over. But its like since I was on the cusp of blowing out my eye for a third time the doctor told me I needed to do all I could to not cry until they could do something.
Now that something has been done it's like my body won't switch back to "Okay to Cry" mode.
This is something I'm planning on working with on Monday with my therapist. I need to get myself to cry again. The closest I come is if I drink alcohol but I'd rather not need to do something like that to do what I should be able to do when I need to do it.
Thanks so much for your time and comments. *Hugs*
Now that something has been done it's like my body won't switch back to "Okay to Cry" mode.
This is something I'm planning on working with on Monday with my therapist. I need to get myself to cry again. The closest I come is if I drink alcohol but I'd rather not need to do something like that to do what I should be able to do when I need to do it.
Thanks so much for your time and comments. *Hugs*
your more then welcome my friend this is kind of the ferst time i have chanted with some one on this web site hehe you have been helping me come out of my shell oh and if you want to i'm going to be doing a live stream in a bit going to be showing the my little pony gen 1 movie if you want to join i will be buting up a link soon
Oh, drat! :( That would've been quite fun to see. I've only seen the movie once before and it was when my eye was still amidst some pretty intense recovery.
Sadly I'm also not much for Live Stream. My time never seems to be good to meet up with anyone to just sit and enjoy stuff like that. :(
Though I'm always available for Notes, Comments, or can find time if you ever wish to share a story as you get to writing them. :)
Sadly I'm also not much for Live Stream. My time never seems to be good to meet up with anyone to just sit and enjoy stuff like that. :(
Though I'm always available for Notes, Comments, or can find time if you ever wish to share a story as you get to writing them. :)
I've learned from everyone here on FA that sharing feeling is a good thing.
I knew sharing feelings was always a good thing. But society itself teaches us that it is a sign of weakness. In truth though sharing feelings is a massive show of strength.
What may be therapeutic banter to me may be helpful insight to another individual. Much can be gleamed from the experiences of others. :)
I knew sharing feelings was always a good thing. But society itself teaches us that it is a sign of weakness. In truth though sharing feelings is a massive show of strength.
What may be therapeutic banter to me may be helpful insight to another individual. Much can be gleamed from the experiences of others. :)
SO much pain those eyes have caused you. I wish there was something I could do to find you a suitable job.
Crying is no shame, just ask Kanga Roddy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1N5iIUp3mc.
Take care Yosh.
Crying is no shame, just ask Kanga Roddy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1N5iIUp3mc.
Take care Yosh.
Thanks, Leon. *Hugs* I just need to get my body to allow me to cry without internally worrying it will cause another eye explosion. That's the trick. *Shrugs*
Though it does point out how much better I know I'll be when these eyes are no longer working. I can have them remove and have one major monkey off my back. Sure I'll miss what I can still see and all. But in the overall I'm honestly better off without them.
Though it does point out how much better I know I'll be when these eyes are no longer working. I can have them remove and have one major monkey off my back. Sure I'll miss what I can still see and all. But in the overall I'm honestly better off without them.
It's good to know some folks who are still into Friendship is Magic. I know it may be getting a little old in some senses but the overall appeal of what the show represents is sure to last a lifetime.
Thanks for your time in reading. I also appreciate your kindness and time to comment. *Hugs*
Thanks for your time in reading. I also appreciate your kindness and time to comment. *Hugs*
I'm glad you are able to cry for it is quite the emotional release. You are right in it only doing so much but it is far better than letting ill feelings swallow you up from the inside.
Returning to class is never easy. Especially if other life situations are going on amidst such a big stress source. I hope you have friends and family who can help you to focus on the good so you are strengthened by positivity amongst this hard time in your life.
If ever you need someone to talk to feel free to write me a Note. I've learned a lot from those who were kind to me here so I always try to pay the generosity forward. :)
Returning to class is never easy. Especially if other life situations are going on amidst such a big stress source. I hope you have friends and family who can help you to focus on the good so you are strengthened by positivity amongst this hard time in your life.
If ever you need someone to talk to feel free to write me a Note. I've learned a lot from those who were kind to me here so I always try to pay the generosity forward. :)
I've been working harder at being less depressing / subjective and more positive / objective when I do posts, like this one. Please accept my apologies for how this earlier entry in my "Writing Therapy" brought you down. :(
Coping with life situations, limitations, disabilities, etc. is not easy. It takes time along with friends and a solid support system. I've not only strived to build up my personal techniques to remain positive, but have dedicated myself towards doing what I can to help others never reach the degree of lows that I, and others, have felt.
Coping with life situations, limitations, disabilities, etc. is not easy. It takes time along with friends and a solid support system. I've not only strived to build up my personal techniques to remain positive, but have dedicated myself towards doing what I can to help others never reach the degree of lows that I, and others, have felt.
Recently, i’ve been thinking — part of good therapy may be getting the other person to the point where they feel comfortable crying. I have found that crying is occasionally a powerful emotional release, something that can make us feel better afterward. Sometimes it is part of making us whole.
Crying is definitely a great way to heal. I always feel better after a good cry.
For me, crying is hard since I got a big scare about it in 2012. My eye imploded on itself twice and became ultra-sensitive to the point I was on bed rest in a hospital for over two weeks.
The time in the hospital was lousy. However my doctor mentioned crying could cause the eye to go 'ker-plooie' again. So, since that day, I've found it hard to cry. Even now, after having the eye removed, I still don't find crying easy. However it is definitely welcome.
For me, crying is hard since I got a big scare about it in 2012. My eye imploded on itself twice and became ultra-sensitive to the point I was on bed rest in a hospital for over two weeks.
The time in the hospital was lousy. However my doctor mentioned crying could cause the eye to go 'ker-plooie' again. So, since that day, I've found it hard to cry. Even now, after having the eye removed, I still don't find crying easy. However it is definitely welcome.
I think I know what you mean. Even one who looks like a big, strong man can be broken inside, especially if he came from an abusive household. He may want to be defined by far more than his strength and his prowess (but it may be most difficult for him to share any vulnerable feelings).
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