I was on Tumblr and I saw a picture of a food hack my ex tried to make for me once, and I had kind of a little flashback.

So I don't know how many people know, but my ex was schizophrenic, so it made our relationship a rough roller coaster. The last four years were the worst, and a lot of things happened that shouldn't have. That's all I am going to say about that.

It was really interesting though, because since we broke up, I've noticed a few things. For example, I feel the last four years were they way they were because he allowed his illness to be an excuse for him not policing behavior he knew was unacceptable. I realized that when he gave up control, he gave it to a part of himself that didn't love me. I realized that in a way, I was with two people. I realize this, because there were times, when the part of him that loved me, DID come through.

THAT was the part of him that held me when I cried all day over my rat when she died. That was the part of him that stuck uncooked noodles through hot dog slices to try and make me something I saw on the internet. That was the part of him that made me dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets with crab puffs and lobster cakes for our Valentine's Day dinner when the stuffed clams didn't work out. That was the part of him that when I joked about stealing his knife when I was moving, said "No, take it. You need a knife, and I don't want to see anything happen to you."

I don't know where I was going with this- the memories being triggered just put my mind in a weird place. I do want to clarify though that I am not sad, and I am not missing the relationship. There was too much bad. I do wonder what happened to that side of him though, and how it came to be pushed down so deep.

Anywho, enjoy whatever this mess is lol

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(C)