Depression and Self-defeat is a vicious, malignant, and self-fulfilling foe that you have to constantly fight to survive against.

I ask myself the very same questions. I log off my IMs feeling miserable and take to the bottle, or go to sleep.

I understand, not exactly of course, but enough of what you're going through that you are welcomed to come talk with me. Sometimes it's just having someone you can talk with who understands.

My skype's the same as my username, please come find me, okay?

Um. Sure. Okay. But I have your skype already.

*chuckles* well that was a long time till you had replied ~ :P

Whoops. I kept forgetting that I hardly linger around here so I don't keep track of anything around here.

Thanks for sharing, amazing piece. Just curious but did you ever do Mirror related things when feeling or thinking about depression? The whole looking in the mirror thing seems to be a common theme people use....but I kinda don't understand it. I also never used mirrors in general because of my face, so, I personally don't really know how mirrors work. (some form of electricty?).

I'm guessing it represents how people are forced to see themselves due to their persecution and abuse for so long. Very relatable....but I've always thought of it differently my entire life.

If it was a drawing, it would be someone in their bed at night, tossing and turning unable to sleep, with all the lies and hate and evil people who abused me, all filling my thoughts, and it doesn't stop and I don't know why.
I know all the insults are dumb lies, I know I've done nothing wrong, I don't hate myself in fact I know and acknowledge that all the negative feelings and thoughts I have are Not what I believe, they are literally just the words of Other people who forced their hate onto me and other people. I know that there's nothing wrong or bad about me, it's the hateful bullies who attack and abuse me and the other kids in school everyday who are the bad guys....

.....but why am I thinking about this now at night? And why do I feel so anxious and in pain and can't sleep? Why am I remembering things that happened in the past, it makes no sense. It's just the same exact thing that happens every day of my life, why am I even thinking about it? I wake up terrified because the day has begun, because it's going to all happen again like it does every day, every month, every year for my entire life, the suffering, the sadness, the being hated, the insults and attacks.
That's normal life, what's the big deal? What's worth thinking about or remembering? It doesn't make any sense, why do I feel too anxious to sleep? What reason do I have to feel anxious? And why does this Always happen when I'm trying to sleep? I want to hurry up and fall asleep, that might make it hurt less when I wake up this time. I wonder why I always have nightmares of dying? I don't get it, but oh well, not like it's something important or bad.

Everyday was sadness and pain and injustice for me and others in the world. And I was always an outsider and outcast at all times, always by myself even around others. All I Could do was observe and thats what I did. I questioned and rejected the lies of society. I tried to figure out how to solve my problems, I believed their Had to be a solution. I gave everyone and everything the bnefit of the doubt, despite reality. I only focused on things in front of me, I Never reflected on myself or my feelings, focusing on being a selfless "good" person, the opposite of the bully scum I hated. This ironically just made me a delusional Optimist, always believing there Had to be a way to change things, never facing reality, only trying to understand why bad things happen, and ignoring the obvious undeniable proof that many people and the things that happened were wrong and needed to be stopped, regardless of understanding the reason behind evil.

I had many people who were kind to me and many friends.....but they all always suddenly vanished and I never knew why. Instead of being sad and worrying about those precious friends of mine, I didn't even realize that losing them was even something that was Bad, because I was so "selfless" I didn't think my Best Friends never seeing me again mattered, because my friends were something that made Me happy, which is "selfish", and therefore bad and nothing to worry about. Enslaved by Optimism that being "good" was all that mattered and that the only problem was simply not knowing "the answer", I didn't even Know that anything was wrong or be able to realize when people cared about me or even know what normal feelings of being loved or anger or sadness were.

Instead of worrying about my friends and and not losing them, I instead blindly just accepted what happened and even thought them leaving and "not wanting to be friends with me any more because they hated me like everyone else" was fine. My Forced Optimism made me think that it was good for my Friends to leave and not be my friend any more if that's what they wanted. "If they hated me, they shouldn't have to be my friend." I didn't even question the story I was told, that my best, precious friends now hated me and didn't ever want to see me again. Blind, uncaring, optimism to not doubt anything I was told no matter how crazy it was or how evil the person spreading the story was.

Optimism, is and by and large, is just evil and insanity. I never even Realized how overly optimistic I was. I mean, Optimists are always happy, being optimistic makes people happier than pessimism. That's the lie we are all told. I acknowledged that pessimism wasn't a bad thing and didn't make people unhappy. More obvious lies and victim blaming obviously. And being optimistic isn't a good thing, it's just ignoring problems. But I never could have guessed how being Positive and believing in my friends to act a certain way, could cause me to not see when they were in trouble.
"They are always kind and honest", "they would never lie and have always been there for me", "if there was a problem they would Tell me, they would know to always Ask me to help them if they were in trouble."

I never thought that my friends might be insecure or feel pessimistic and too worried about ME possibly not liking them or thinking they were annoying. I had no idea, and as always I Never thought Anything negative about people, even if that negative thing was their own pain and sadness. They were always so nice and strong and full of heart, I was the one who was weak and a crybaby, but we were still friends, so why wouldn't they tell me about their problems?
Because they cared about me, like I cared about them. They thought "He has it so much worse than me, my problems are so small in comparison. He has it hard enough already, I shouldn't make him worry about me as well...." So, she never told me about the racist bullying she went through and who were the people who hurt her. And he never told me how his parents house and business were threatened to be taken away by my dad unless he and his family Never spoke to me ever again.

Shaming people for feeling unsure about what to do, for feeling any doubt or uncertainty, which is normal, and calling it evil. Making people feel too afraid to ask their friends for help....That's the purpose of calling people negative. It's done by the Weak, Evil Cowards who cause the abuse in order to Stop people from being helped by others. AND they use people's kindness and their love FOR their friends Deliberately against them! It's a fucking paradox a contradiction! You can't be a bad person or friend because of how much you care about being a good friend!
And Positivity tells kind people to Only care about others and Never care about themselves as being something good and kind. Yet, a good and loving person would like and desire Good things, like justice and those precious to them, which they are taught to feel bad about these things because they like them and it makes them happy. It leads to a thinking disorder of ignoring abuse, denial, and a cycle of not being able to realize or comprehend what harm, affection, love and malicious is in life and what to do about it. Being isolated and constantly lied to and hated for no reason for so long without ANY other way to talk to other people or escape from their slave masters deliberately takes away the victim's ability to learn anything about the world. People victimized like this can spend their entire life never knowing what "constipation" is or that it's a common normal thing that happens to people.

People literally only know what they are taught and told, thats the same for everyone. If people are told that a grape is a apple everyday for their entire life without anyone or anything else to teach them otherwise....then those kids will always be forced to only think that grapes are apples for their entire life because of the lies they were told by their parents and other coward, scumbags.
It doesn't make the people who were tricked stupid or negative or anything. If you were only told that "No one will ever like you" for your entire life, then people are Forced to Only know the words they were told, even though they don't believe it to be true, they always will be forced to subconsciously think what they were taught whenever the concept of love or being loved comes up.

People everywhere for all of human history, have been tortured and brainwashed this way to force people to think and feel like no one will ever love them. This is never true, though, which is why brainwashing and torture is used, as well as not Allowing those people to have any freedom and be around other people. Finally, the fact that people are Never taught about what Being loved is or looks like makes it so they literally cannot tell or know when other people Do care about and love them. So, people think No one cares, when in reality many people do and would love them and want to be with them.
All it takes is for people to be told the truth, to learn and be taught how the world really is, and accept that their old beliefs were lies and wrong, and get people to help show them that other people believe in the same thing they always have, that they aren't the Only person in the world who also holds the same belief: "Some people Do care about you. There are definitely people who would want to be around you and be your friend and be in love with you. That's because they are good people in the world who care about others and care about right and wrong, just like you do. It's easy for people to act hateful, but love and kindness comes in many forms and levels and are feelings that no one can Prove they feel, yet they're feelings are real. No one can look like or act like they care. People can never see what's inside other people's hearts.....but who cares? People never have to prove their feelings are real, they don't have to prove that they are worth caring about or being loved. Just like we don't need to give any explanation or proof for why we believe human life matters. Our heart says it's true and important. That's proof that something matters and deserves to be cared for."