In My Head - 007 - Jabberwocky
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The light in your eyes used to shine much brighter...
A flash of white, his eyes opening, only to close again as he groaned, sitting upright. Where was...Oh, that's right. He'd been knocked out by Zack ages ago. He sighed, shaking his head and glancing around.
"Alright, let's get this over with. What do you want?" He sat there, staring straight ahead, his eyebrows furrowing more and more by the minute. This is always how it went. "I said, I-"
"I heard you." The voice echoed, gravely, just off to his right shoulder.
He didn't bother to look, he was quite familiar with the grim visage already.
"Then answer me already, I'm sick of playing this game with you." There was a rumbling hiss, almost like a sigh, and the voice growled from over his left shoulder now.
"You? I'm sick of this too." The voice rumbled, actually reverbrating through his chest with each word it formed, like being too close to a bass speaker. He hated when it did that. "You think I want to be locked up in here, with you?"
He didn't feel it, but he knew it had tried to touch the side of his head, and he waved his hand across his hair by instinct.
"The way you're living disgusts me."
"Yeah, I can understand that, your breath does the same thing to me."
"Joke all you want, I can't allow you to continue like this." He felt a shifting behind him, sighs, and climbs to his feet, turning and facing the bleached white skull millimeters from his face, pupil-less eyes glaring at him from each eye socket. "This is completely unacceptable."
He scoffed, crossing his arms and glaring right back at it. "You're right. You can't keep me in here, having to listen to your droning voice forever."
"I can and I will, until you give in." Another rumbling hiss, that voice rumbling through his insides again, making him nauseous. It seemed to be its way of adding an angry tone to its words, as it only seemed to happen when he upset it in some way. Damn it was annoying though.
"I am you, as you should be, as you were meant to be." It continued, gesturing with a long arm and continuing to speak without moving its mouth, though its eyes never left his own. "No limits, no barriers, no soft, weak heart to hold me back. Everything within my grasp, every dream, every goal..." It seemed to smirk for a moment, sliding closer again, looming over him.
"Everything you failed to accomplish."
It was a simple enough phrase, but it shook him to the core, and not just due to the feel of its voice rolling through his innards. His stomach dropped; he'd heard all of this before. Every day in fact. You're not good enough. You're useless, hopeless. That was him saying all that. That small, incessant voice in his head that berated everything he did, remembered every mistake, and made sure to bring them all up at the worst times.
He tried to keep eye contact with it, found it hard to. Its pupils seemed to glow. He frowned slightly, narrowing his eyes.
"So...You're me. Or a part of me. You feel different than Forest or any of the others, and I'm not sure why yet." He shook his head, arms slipping to his sides as he clenched his fists. "Look, there's a reason you're not in charge. I don't know what kind of creature you're supposed to be, but-" It drew back slightly, as if hit physically.
"Creature?" It looked down at its long arms, covered in bones, then back up at him, those pupils narrowing. "...Is that how you see me?" It drew back to its full height again, glaring down at him. He raised an eyebrow, rather confused by that reaction. It hissed again, eyes burning brighter.
"...I should be the one in charge, not you. You're ruining us. You'll die alone, wallowing in a pit of your own regrets, too old to do anything you'd hoped to, failing in every dream you've ever had." It hissed, leaning closer, practically touching him now.
"One day you'll slip. You'll give in, your heart will break and you won't be able to deal with it anymore, and then, I will be there and..." It hissed, looking over itself again, before locking eyes with him, the jawbones on its face parting to let a long, sinewy tongue glide forth, curling partially around him.
"...I will devour you and take your place."
They stared for a few long moments, neither budging an inch, before he moved his hand to brush aside the slick appendage.
"...That's it then, huh? That's all you want? Fine then..." He stepped back, reaching next to him and motioning as if pulling a chair from a table, one materializing in his hand. He twirled it and set it backwards in front of him, flopping down and resting his arms across the top.
"This is still my mind. I'm in control here, not you. There's a reason I'm the one in charge and you're delegated to...Whatever this is you're doing." He narrowed his eyes, resting his chin on his arms. "But...I'll play your game. I don't quite understand why you exist yet, as everyone else in here seems to have a purpose. I'm guessing yours just got lost somewhere along the way." It continued to stare at him, eyes narrowing as well.
"I realize I'm not perfect, and maybe I don't "shine" as brightly as I have before, but..." He paused, glancing down for a moment. "I'll figure it out. And I don't need you to remind me of my failures all the time, when I can recount every single one I've made on my own." He closed his eyes, sighing heavily, feeling so very tired of it all. How many times has he had this same conversation? It feels like hundreds, each one a little harder than the last. He buried his face into his arms, muttering to himself.
"I'll be fine. I have to be fine, I can't afford to give in now." He stirred a bit, his leaden body barely responding as he forced himself to look back up again. As he opened his eyes, the light blinded him again as they adjusted, and he found himself staring into a familiar, bright-eyed, fluffy face.
"Ah! Guys, he's finally awake!"
A bit cheesy maybe, but I just felt like I had to address this somehow. If I was a better artist I could've finished the nigh 7 pages I'd done for this already and posted it in that form, but I just couldn't seem to. It just seemed to get worse and worse the further I went in, the artwork, the writing...So I condensed the idea, wrote this up real quick, and I hope that's enough to quell the desire I've had to show this playing out in some form or fashion.
We all have our own demons to deal with, right? Those terrible, muttering voices or feelings in our heads that only seem to remind us of how miserable our lives are. "Oh, if you'd only done that instead, how stupid of you", or "You'll never be able to find a job, you're not good enough, you know that", or "Why would they love you? What do you have to offer them in return?", or any other number of things. It seems like no matter how much we struggle, or how much other people and friends tell us the opposite, you just can't shake it; every one of those words rings true with you, on some small level. It can't all be a lie in that case, can it?
Its all something we struggle with, some more than others, and I wish that I could help everyone with such things. I know how miserable it can make you, and how worthless you can feel...Just don't give in. Like in the story up there, I always have to remind myself that I'll be fine, that I have to be fine; too many people depend on me to let everything go south again. And after reading about suicides and such this past week, and knowing what its like to be there, its something I feel adamant about.
So, its not much, but I hope knowing someone out there knows and cares about what you're going through, what you have to deal with, the ridicule and hopelessness and feeling like the most worthless human being on the planet...I've been there. And none of what that voice is saying to you is true.
The light in your eyes used to shine much brighter...
A flash of white, his eyes opening, only to close again as he groaned, sitting upright. Where was...Oh, that's right. He'd been knocked out by Zack ages ago. He sighed, shaking his head and glancing around.
"Alright, let's get this over with. What do you want?" He sat there, staring straight ahead, his eyebrows furrowing more and more by the minute. This is always how it went. "I said, I-"
"I heard you." The voice echoed, gravely, just off to his right shoulder.
He didn't bother to look, he was quite familiar with the grim visage already.
"Then answer me already, I'm sick of playing this game with you." There was a rumbling hiss, almost like a sigh, and the voice growled from over his left shoulder now.
"You? I'm sick of this too." The voice rumbled, actually reverbrating through his chest with each word it formed, like being too close to a bass speaker. He hated when it did that. "You think I want to be locked up in here, with you?"
He didn't feel it, but he knew it had tried to touch the side of his head, and he waved his hand across his hair by instinct.
"The way you're living disgusts me."
"Yeah, I can understand that, your breath does the same thing to me."
"Joke all you want, I can't allow you to continue like this." He felt a shifting behind him, sighs, and climbs to his feet, turning and facing the bleached white skull millimeters from his face, pupil-less eyes glaring at him from each eye socket. "This is completely unacceptable."
He scoffed, crossing his arms and glaring right back at it. "You're right. You can't keep me in here, having to listen to your droning voice forever."
"I can and I will, until you give in." Another rumbling hiss, that voice rumbling through his insides again, making him nauseous. It seemed to be its way of adding an angry tone to its words, as it only seemed to happen when he upset it in some way. Damn it was annoying though.
"I am you, as you should be, as you were meant to be." It continued, gesturing with a long arm and continuing to speak without moving its mouth, though its eyes never left his own. "No limits, no barriers, no soft, weak heart to hold me back. Everything within my grasp, every dream, every goal..." It seemed to smirk for a moment, sliding closer again, looming over him.
"Everything you failed to accomplish."
It was a simple enough phrase, but it shook him to the core, and not just due to the feel of its voice rolling through his innards. His stomach dropped; he'd heard all of this before. Every day in fact. You're not good enough. You're useless, hopeless. That was him saying all that. That small, incessant voice in his head that berated everything he did, remembered every mistake, and made sure to bring them all up at the worst times.
He tried to keep eye contact with it, found it hard to. Its pupils seemed to glow. He frowned slightly, narrowing his eyes.
"So...You're me. Or a part of me. You feel different than Forest or any of the others, and I'm not sure why yet." He shook his head, arms slipping to his sides as he clenched his fists. "Look, there's a reason you're not in charge. I don't know what kind of creature you're supposed to be, but-" It drew back slightly, as if hit physically.
"Creature?" It looked down at its long arms, covered in bones, then back up at him, those pupils narrowing. "...Is that how you see me?" It drew back to its full height again, glaring down at him. He raised an eyebrow, rather confused by that reaction. It hissed again, eyes burning brighter.
"...I should be the one in charge, not you. You're ruining us. You'll die alone, wallowing in a pit of your own regrets, too old to do anything you'd hoped to, failing in every dream you've ever had." It hissed, leaning closer, practically touching him now.
"One day you'll slip. You'll give in, your heart will break and you won't be able to deal with it anymore, and then, I will be there and..." It hissed, looking over itself again, before locking eyes with him, the jawbones on its face parting to let a long, sinewy tongue glide forth, curling partially around him.
"...I will devour you and take your place."
They stared for a few long moments, neither budging an inch, before he moved his hand to brush aside the slick appendage.
"...That's it then, huh? That's all you want? Fine then..." He stepped back, reaching next to him and motioning as if pulling a chair from a table, one materializing in his hand. He twirled it and set it backwards in front of him, flopping down and resting his arms across the top.
"This is still my mind. I'm in control here, not you. There's a reason I'm the one in charge and you're delegated to...Whatever this is you're doing." He narrowed his eyes, resting his chin on his arms. "But...I'll play your game. I don't quite understand why you exist yet, as everyone else in here seems to have a purpose. I'm guessing yours just got lost somewhere along the way." It continued to stare at him, eyes narrowing as well.
"I realize I'm not perfect, and maybe I don't "shine" as brightly as I have before, but..." He paused, glancing down for a moment. "I'll figure it out. And I don't need you to remind me of my failures all the time, when I can recount every single one I've made on my own." He closed his eyes, sighing heavily, feeling so very tired of it all. How many times has he had this same conversation? It feels like hundreds, each one a little harder than the last. He buried his face into his arms, muttering to himself.
"I'll be fine. I have to be fine, I can't afford to give in now." He stirred a bit, his leaden body barely responding as he forced himself to look back up again. As he opened his eyes, the light blinded him again as they adjusted, and he found himself staring into a familiar, bright-eyed, fluffy face.
"Ah! Guys, he's finally awake!"
A bit cheesy maybe, but I just felt like I had to address this somehow. If I was a better artist I could've finished the nigh 7 pages I'd done for this already and posted it in that form, but I just couldn't seem to. It just seemed to get worse and worse the further I went in, the artwork, the writing...So I condensed the idea, wrote this up real quick, and I hope that's enough to quell the desire I've had to show this playing out in some form or fashion.
We all have our own demons to deal with, right? Those terrible, muttering voices or feelings in our heads that only seem to remind us of how miserable our lives are. "Oh, if you'd only done that instead, how stupid of you", or "You'll never be able to find a job, you're not good enough, you know that", or "Why would they love you? What do you have to offer them in return?", or any other number of things. It seems like no matter how much we struggle, or how much other people and friends tell us the opposite, you just can't shake it; every one of those words rings true with you, on some small level. It can't all be a lie in that case, can it?
Its all something we struggle with, some more than others, and I wish that I could help everyone with such things. I know how miserable it can make you, and how worthless you can feel...Just don't give in. Like in the story up there, I always have to remind myself that I'll be fine, that I have to be fine; too many people depend on me to let everything go south again. And after reading about suicides and such this past week, and knowing what its like to be there, its something I feel adamant about.
So, its not much, but I hope knowing someone out there knows and cares about what you're going through, what you have to deal with, the ridicule and hopelessness and feeling like the most worthless human being on the planet...I've been there. And none of what that voice is saying to you is true.
Category Artwork (Digital) / Doodle
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Everybody has something like this in one form or another. No matter what words it uses, no matter what form it assumes, we just have to remind ourselves that we are the ones in control. Nobody else, nothing else is in control of our minds and destinies. Steer yourself in the right direction and keep a clear mind. Don't let the little things keep you down and hold you chin high in the face of adversity. You can make it. We can ALL make it.
Thank you sharing this FoWo. I hope this will help others in a rough time to keep themselves pressing forward to strive for success.
Thank you sharing this FoWo. I hope this will help others in a rough time to keep themselves pressing forward to strive for success.
You know what that is, don't you?
It's your humility run rampant. It started out with the best intentions, but it gained too much power and became misdirected.
Awful CEOs who don't give a damn about anything but money lack this part of their psyche. There's nothing but arrogance and self-centeredness, and it manifests as sociopathy. In your case and many other folks like you (myself included a bit), we've all been taught to be humble and not aggrandize our achievements. Some of us take it farther than others, and some are told more forcefully than others to do so. As a result, some of us get this awful nagging feeling of guilt and inadequacy because our sense of humility got corrupted and turned into our own Jabberwockies.
It's your humility run rampant. It started out with the best intentions, but it gained too much power and became misdirected.
Awful CEOs who don't give a damn about anything but money lack this part of their psyche. There's nothing but arrogance and self-centeredness, and it manifests as sociopathy. In your case and many other folks like you (myself included a bit), we've all been taught to be humble and not aggrandize our achievements. Some of us take it farther than others, and some are told more forcefully than others to do so. As a result, some of us get this awful nagging feeling of guilt and inadequacy because our sense of humility got corrupted and turned into our own Jabberwockies.
Do you think so? I'm not so sure about that, at least in my case. Its just too mean spirited. And its more of a, uh...What's the word...Bleh, I'm tired. X3 Basically, its more about constantly pointing out failures, and how I'm not truly accomplishing anything at all. I feel like I'm on a very limited timer, and I think that a part of me resents myself for not focusing entirely on myself and what I "want". Or what I think I might want. Its all kind of confusing.
So whenever I mess up, I tend to get down on myself, saying if I'd done this or this better, or if I'd taken more time to focus on myself, or just...I dunno! Its all pretty hurtful stuff. and it hurts even more because since its myself saying it, I at least believe its partially true. It just creates an endless, spiraling loop that's hard to pull out of.
Or maybe I just didn't understand what you meant here! I am pretty tired after all. X3 Also, creepy thing? Someone linked me to this after seeing this drawing: http://imgur.com/gallery/Zdrtl
I'd never seen it before, but the fact that 1) the first one there wears a skull mask, and 2) it's carrying a watch relating to time, and that's kinda spooky I drew something similar based on my own experiences, lol.
So whenever I mess up, I tend to get down on myself, saying if I'd done this or this better, or if I'd taken more time to focus on myself, or just...I dunno! Its all pretty hurtful stuff. and it hurts even more because since its myself saying it, I at least believe its partially true. It just creates an endless, spiraling loop that's hard to pull out of.
Or maybe I just didn't understand what you meant here! I am pretty tired after all. X3 Also, creepy thing? Someone linked me to this after seeing this drawing: http://imgur.com/gallery/Zdrtl
I'd never seen it before, but the fact that 1) the first one there wears a skull mask, and 2) it's carrying a watch relating to time, and that's kinda spooky I drew something similar based on my own experiences, lol.
Huh. That's quite the coincidence! I guess a similar image comes to mind for different people when thinking about this kind of thing.
And hm. I'm not 100% willing to give up what I said about humility run amok because that is an issue with a lot of really kind folks who give of themselves and disregard their own personal desires, but what you're describing here sounds more like unrealized ambition.
From my experiences, though, I've found that the negative emotions and feelings we tend to have are just exaggerated and corrupted versions of things that start out positive. Anger, fear, anxiety, sociopathy, and all that are just corrupted versions of self-defense and survival instincts. There's a use for most things, but sometimes these emotions just kind of take over and you lose control of them.
And hm. I'm not 100% willing to give up what I said about humility run amok because that is an issue with a lot of really kind folks who give of themselves and disregard their own personal desires, but what you're describing here sounds more like unrealized ambition.
From my experiences, though, I've found that the negative emotions and feelings we tend to have are just exaggerated and corrupted versions of things that start out positive. Anger, fear, anxiety, sociopathy, and all that are just corrupted versions of self-defense and survival instincts. There's a use for most things, but sometimes these emotions just kind of take over and you lose control of them.
This is really well done. And it's a good message. X3 I've had a enough stress in my life to really begin feeling sick over it, and this is the voice that always seems to be behind it. I don't want to ramble, but I digress, it's a very very good message, and you're a very strong person to be able to say that to yourself and keep on going. Good luck, and well done.
Well, that's why I draw these, because it seems like I'm not the only one that has to deal with things like this. And I know from experience that its a terribly hard thing to deal with, much less overcome, and I still struggle with it at times to this day.
I'm honestly not too sure I'm that strong of a person, maybe I'm just a stubborn one. X3 I have people that depend on me, I can't afford to let them down or give up now, haha. X3
I'm honestly not too sure I'm that strong of a person, maybe I'm just a stubborn one. X3 I have people that depend on me, I can't afford to let them down or give up now, haha. X3
Don't discount stubbornness. A refusal to give up is strength in its own way.
The refusal to let people down may not be healthy if it's your only reason for keeping going in the long term, but hey. It's why I'm still alive.
I won't lie, I actually cried a little at this one, for, reasons. Maybe I just cry easily, I dunno. It's good stuff man, thanks for putting it up. :)
The refusal to let people down may not be healthy if it's your only reason for keeping going in the long term, but hey. It's why I'm still alive.
I won't lie, I actually cried a little at this one, for, reasons. Maybe I just cry easily, I dunno. It's good stuff man, thanks for putting it up. :)
I really do love your writing. Your pacing, use of language, dialogue, descriptions, emotions, it's all uniquely you and it makes for a read that delivers quite an impact. Combined with your illustrations and you are clearly a double threat, as of course you have been told that your kind is often cute and soft, but at a moment's notice you can convey determination, sorrow, confidence, so much. You really are an artist, and being privy to your creations is truly a treat.
Still, it is hard to block out that voice, or well, the voices, especially when it feels like we ourselves are the ones giving them the power to harm us. Not giving in to slog or depression is easier said than done, but we still need to try, it's not over until we let it be over. Along the way, we might even meet people who have been going through the same sort of thing, so it is impossible to be fully isolated and alone or worthless and not worthy of time, but only if you let that happen, if you give in and let those voices win. I know I'm not ready to lose, not now or anytime soon, and while I can I want to help people with their fights as well. We're all hurling through space on a spinning mass of broken stars after all, the least we can do is try to empathize with one another.
Thank you for sharing this, thank you for sharing yourself.
Still, it is hard to block out that voice, or well, the voices, especially when it feels like we ourselves are the ones giving them the power to harm us. Not giving in to slog or depression is easier said than done, but we still need to try, it's not over until we let it be over. Along the way, we might even meet people who have been going through the same sort of thing, so it is impossible to be fully isolated and alone or worthless and not worthy of time, but only if you let that happen, if you give in and let those voices win. I know I'm not ready to lose, not now or anytime soon, and while I can I want to help people with their fights as well. We're all hurling through space on a spinning mass of broken stars after all, the least we can do is try to empathize with one another.
Thank you for sharing this, thank you for sharing yourself.
woah ... just woah. I think I've had my own battles with my version of that voice from time to time. I usually just tell him to shut up and go someplace else cause he's not the boss of me and doesn't have power over me. Even when I'm depressed, I just let him rant on his own and don't listen until he's talked out. I find that usually patience is the key combined with a will to not give up.
I wasn't nearly as good at helping people with their mental hangups back when this was posted as I am now, looking at my comment here. Guess I was still in my "Tough practicality" phase, which could in theory be effective, but isn't nearly as helpful as the "Practical Taoist" method I'm doing now. We've all grown, and we all became better people since this was posted. You were really getting the hang of caring about yourself and not sacrificing literally everything for others, and then that fucking "very limited timer" you talked about in your reply ran out.
If only you'd known what a huge impact you'd have on so many people when you posted this, it might've helped make your limited time better. You deserved so much more.
Unlikely that people are going to read this comment, all this time later. I think...this is just meant for me and you, and you (most likely) can't see it. God I miss you. You might've been the best person I've ever known, and I know a LOT of really fantastic people.
I think most of the people you left behind will be okay. I want to say "all," but some are still very much up in the air, and I'm trying with my limited energy and means to get them where they need to be. There's one in particular I made DAMN sure would be okay because she was so special to you and was the primary reason you were getting so much better. Now she's special to me in your absence, and we both are pretty damn sure you'd be okay with that. If there's an afterlife, I hope to see you again so we can all talk and laugh about what a baby I've been. Might be a little awkward for the three of us (or at least for me), but we'd figure something out.
All the love, Forest.
— Humbug
If only you'd known what a huge impact you'd have on so many people when you posted this, it might've helped make your limited time better. You deserved so much more.
Unlikely that people are going to read this comment, all this time later. I think...this is just meant for me and you, and you (most likely) can't see it. God I miss you. You might've been the best person I've ever known, and I know a LOT of really fantastic people.
I think most of the people you left behind will be okay. I want to say "all," but some are still very much up in the air, and I'm trying with my limited energy and means to get them where they need to be. There's one in particular I made DAMN sure would be okay because she was so special to you and was the primary reason you were getting so much better. Now she's special to me in your absence, and we both are pretty damn sure you'd be okay with that. If there's an afterlife, I hope to see you again so we can all talk and laugh about what a baby I've been. Might be a little awkward for the three of us (or at least for me), but we'd figure something out.
All the love, Forest.
— Humbug
God dammit, I fucked up and forgot to say "most of the people you left behind will be okay, largely thanks to your influence." XD
Yeah, having to write an addendum and making it silly and awkward tracks. Couldn't have this message to you be ALL serious now, could I? That'd be out of the character of our friendship. XD
Yeah, having to write an addendum and making it silly and awkward tracks. Couldn't have this message to you be ALL serious now, could I? That'd be out of the character of our friendship. XD
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