Hmm. I very much like it :D great work, I say!

Keep well, and can't wait to see more if you have any :)

Very interesting start, I look forward to the next chapter.

The only 'goofs' I noticed was a few 'to's that should have been 'too's. (quick hint, if you could replace the 'to' with 'very', then most likely it should be 'too', as in too big, too strange, too much. )

From many of your superb art pieces you have many excellent SF ideas swirling in your head that I am intrigued by.

Depending on what you ultimately want to do with this story this can be powerful and wonderful or crash like a castle of cards.

As critique wise this has a lot of mechanical and rhetorical problems that take from the piece.
You have several mixing narrative angles that screws with your audiences perspective, interrupts flow, and lessens the prowess of the story.
1. Cessinti’s introduction
2. Captain Ezekiel Palmer’s
3. The separate (telling) narrator.

By this I do not mean character point of view, but the narrative medium the audience interacts with.

For flow sake, chronology, and Geschichtegeist (the living story or the spirit of the story) it is best to stick with one.


As we write a story we need to think of just more than writing a story, but ask questions. We need to think of the relationship between author, audience, and text. We also need to think of ethics, logic, and emotion that make up the stories components.


Now, as you’ve mentioned this is a draft and a WIP and the questioning usually happens after that first draft when the inspiration candle burns out.

Nonetheless: Back to that narrative conflict.
1. Cessinti’s introduction spoils some of the mystery and the fun for your audience. They could learn this with Palmer along the way. It can be far more exciting for the audience as they explore through the work. If it is that important to let your audience know off the bat then this is best turned into a separate prologue. Using her perspective and showing (we’ll get to this later) may also be more powerful than just telling then what happened.
2. Point of view is important and so far it’s Palmer holding the camera the most. If he is the singular source of perspective for this story starting with him then perhaps may be superior.
3. This narrator interrupts the story by trying to tell and explain things when it all can live and be shown for itself.


So yes, a lot of this story is based in this telling element instead of showing. By this you need to use description, imagery, emotion, and sensory to make the story come to life in the mind of the audience. You do have excellent moments of description.

Such as: “He froze then and his heart along with everything else, seemed to do the same. Her head had turned to the side and she was looking at him. Her face was expressionless and her eyes seemed to hold no emotion either but he got the distinct impression that they were taking in everything they saw and somehow they reminded him of a human infants eyes when it came open-eyed into the world. But what probably caused the majority of his reaction was the eye color itself for he had never seen anything even close in any other living thing. Cyan were the closest he could come to describe them. They were brilliant and held him transfixed by their beauty.”

This is an excellent example of what showing is in a work.

Your environment description is what is lacking the most. Palmer is also missing both internal and external description. Yes the work is young, but the faster you get the description ball moving on your characters the better. If it is anything SF thrives on its environments, tech, and characters. That’s were all the awe and wonder is in. Use it to your advantage whenever you can. Remember though, your audience is dependent on your characters interaction with the world. The audience are the ones reading and are the ones feeling the awe, when Palmer’s breastplate as a retired officer has probably voiced commanded his breast beams (sorry bad joke) on a hundred thousand times.

Chronology and temporal placing also plays a heavy role in showing and how things play out in the audience’s mind.

“Captain Ezekiel Palmer, (Terran space Navy: Retired), spoke a command that turned on the spotlights built into his helmet and breast plate and Illuminated the perfectly spherical chamber, but more importantly, revealed clearly the creature that lay prone in the center.
His ships scanners were correct and though he had the utmost confidence in the accuracy of his aging, yet venerable, research vessels capabilities, he could hardly believe what they showed him for they couldn't tell him how it was possible for this place or what they indicated to be within, could have come to be there (this is telling that really takes from the audeince).”


“Helm lights on,”
The sound echoed in the dark as twin beams glared to life.
Captain palmer lowered his red suited hand from his eyes to avoid the blindness.
“Argon Argon dating does not match with top soil planetary records,”
A women’s voice chimed in his helm as he gazed about the dusty, bizarre alloy floors.

Logos problem why does this retired professional turn his lights on when he is in the dark place?
For the telling bit, a captain’s relationship with his ship is a beautiful and powerful thing. Show it though through the work and through his thoughts. For example after the computer talks Palmer could have some reflected thoughts starting to show the audience his relationship.

Also in fiction () parenthesis are not needed. Anything in a text can be explained itself. “Terran space Navy: Retired,” that’s can easily come later for character development.

This is only an example of how to think of writing process , asking questions, and showing.

The rest in this regard is up to you.

Rhetoric:
Ethics: You spend a lot of time though on the ladies nudity, and her mammary glands. In all honesty I have no right to tell you ethically what you should do with a work as a borderline prude. The point though I’m trying to make is that in the relationship between audience, text, and author this can be an ethical issue and if further pursued may destroy the integrity of the work. I personally do not care. Yes sex happens, animals have anatomy, and there is romance. The more though certain aspects are concentrated on the more the work and author becomes questions. Think how you portray these elements, bring them up and DETAIL them. How your characters interact on this subject also is important. This is also troublesome as we only have Zeke and none besides a computer to bounce off or question. This is for you to decide

Now this story rests on a logic problem and the story you want to tell.

“Cessinti,” as you mention in your prologue a “goddess, or at the least, a demigoddess by any standard. But in a world where everyone had some degree of supernatural ability”

You need to set the line here with what that constitutes. Super races kind of smear logos apart, creating too many plot holes, with too many questions. It’s kind of the bane of SF. By all means I love when SF and fantasy overlaps it’s my favorite genre. There is a limit though. Supernatural ability as just described carries a lot of weight. How the SF treats this is the be all and end all that makes or breaks it.

So remember the work is up to you, you are the author. Take everything here with a galleon of salt. I mean no offence by my observations shaped by my opinion, frame of refrence, and experience.

Good luck.

…. One more thing. You also get your tenses messed up. Use past tense and not present. The audience translates this as happening when reading.

Ex: Countless millennia later, the world above is void of all higher life forms,

Countless millennia later, the world above was void of all higher life forms,

Actually, it's right the way he said it. Void is an adjective describing the surface in regard to the presence of higher life forms.

Anyways, to say that it WAS void implies that it COULD currently be home to some higher lifeforms.

this was very nice waiting for more.

Will start reading immediately. Your one of the few I will do that since I know it means enjoyment :)

Interesting, drew me in right off, and I would be interesting in reading the coming chapters.....

Hmm. Good stuff so far!