Song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IUkd51GegA

This was actually the first thing I drew this year. I wasn't going to post it originally, but, considering the feelings that I tried to draw out here are bothering me again... I figured maybe if I posted this, and explained why I drew this... then maybe the feelings will go away again. At least for a little while.

So, here goes...

I have... a very rocky relationship with my mother. We get along for a while, and then something happens that makes me not want to have anything to do with her. And while she complains about how much I've hurt her, she never seems to see just how much she hurts me too. I feel like I have to conform to her standards. I have to do what she wants me to, otherwise I'm a disappointment to her and the rest of my family.

I chose to spend Christmas with my dad this year. Because him, and the rest of my family on this side, actually seems to legitimately care about me. I'm sure my mom and her side of the family does too, but... the do so in a way that can be considered abusive. When I told my mother that I wanted to spend Christmas with my dad instead of her... She sent my grandmother after me. I was guilt-tripped by my mother and my grandmother for DAYS before I finally gave up on reading their messages because of how they were treating me. Why should I have to defend my choice in spending the holidays with my dad? Why should I have to spend my holidays with people who belittle me for my interests, and who honestly just don't give a shit about my wellbeing?

I have been made fun of by my mother for being a furry, and by her husband as well. I refuse to call him my step-father at this point. He claims that he won't try to act as a replacement for my father, but he does anyways. I already have a dad who cares about me, and who understands my need to be on the internet to get away from the stressful things in life. This man, he... he and my mother sat me down one day during my grade 12 year, and told me a WEEK after my 18th birthday that I needed to act like an adult and get a job. That they were making the decision for me to start job hunting. They never took into consideration the stress I was going through then. They never took into consideration the stress that was caused by a job I hated when I did finally get one. They didn't realize the mental strain I was under, that my depression was hurting my schoolwork. And when I finally did tell them that I was having troubles focusing in school because of my depression? They put me on medication and told me to catch up on my schoolwork. That is not how you deal with that shit. I failed two of my classes that semester because of this bullshit. They took away my laptop around the same time, and wouldn't return it to me until after the semester was over, even after I moved to my dad's because of the pain they were causing me.

I finally got past that, and I was doing well for a while. I got my laptop back, I finally got comfortable. I started spending time with my mom again, but, the shit she's done in the past would still linger. I dreaded her phone calls, or her messages on facebook, especially if I didn't respond right away. Because she'd flip out on me over the phone, and I'd start crying. I cry a lot when my mom is talking to me. She strikes so much fear and stress into me that I completely break down. And I wind up just being a puddle of emotions for a few days. Yes, that is how much stress my mother causes me.

It's not like I have other stress to deal with or anything. =w=
I have a problem with my heart, that I'm waiting on seeing a specialist for. And I still struggle with depression, though I'm off my meds now because I don't want to be like my mother and be dependent on those meds for most of my life. I've been searching for a job since the beginning of July, that's 6 months now. I've been searching for a job for half a year, with no luck besides a few interviews here and there. I'm trying, I really am. I have no intentions of stopping trying. I just need to find the right places to apply at. Though right now most places aren't hiring because they did all their seasonal hiring months ago, when I last applied at a bunch of places (I got like... 3 interviews or something, one of which I was super excited for and they never called me back afterwards, but, I plan on applying there again soon).

In any case, I had realized that I didn't want to spend Christmas with my mom. I knew that I wasn't going to enjoy myself. And, like I said, when I told her, she flipped out. She put all the blame of her being hurt on me. When in reality, she had caused a great deal of pain in return by how she was acting. By how she has treated me in the past. I'm 19 and I'm easily frightened by pretty much anyone who is older than me, because I'm afraid of getting attached to them and having them leave. Though, I suppose I'm like that about everyone I meet. If I seem distant or cold, please don't take it personally. It's likely that I actually really like your company and am just afraid that you'll leave too.

In all honesty, I'm afraid of becoming like my mother. Not a day goes by where I wonder if I'll become as mentally abusive as she is. If I'll bring my own eventual children the same pain as my mother brought me. And I'm afraid. I don't want to become like her. I don't want the children I bring into this world to feel like I will treat them like shit over their interests, or their sexuality (my own mother played off my being bisexual as a phase when she was asked about it by my family). I just... I don't want to be her.

And yet, I feel like I will be. I've been led to believe that I'm simply not good enough. That everything is all my fault.

"I should have graduated sooner."

"I should have a job already."

"I'm useless."

"I'm not good enough for anyone."

That's all. I'm done now. I'm sorry for rambling. I just needed to get it all out...