(This is a Personal Reflection Read it if you want to
I'm not trying to be deep but this shit is pretty deep to me)

Please excuse me for the things I'm about to say.
I would not want to hurt your feelings in any way.
I will try not to chew your ear off so please be kind.
I'm a simple person with a simple mind.

Understand, this will get pretty ranty and pull up some touchy subjects. I feel I need to let out some of my pent up thoughts brought out from this kinda existential crisis that kinda emerges from the inner thoughts of my brain place. But I hope this hit in places. Deep places. Please excuse grammatical errors.
I was sleeping in bed and could not sleep. I kept thinking about rubbish and bullshit that kept my eyes wide awake. I was looking around my room and staring at the rabbit dolls scattered about my room. I picked one up and thought to myself about my maturity and my life. What would people think about me? How would people feel if i died? What should i do about living on my own. When i feel this way i usually try to be productive, I try to draw or clean up my room to feel like more of a use to the household. If I'm still in this mood i try to jerk of and try not to think about it later. But instead i decided to get up, go to my desk and vent about my life and my inner philosophy....if you could call it that.

I am not the most intelligent person. Some may say its pessimism but i think of it as a fact. Through my schooling days i been barely able to scrape by from grade to grade. I was always below average, Just a little above passing. I graduated with a 1 point passing grade. I always thought i was a bit weird and that i could have failed and gotten a GED or something. Maybe it was because i thought about my social life too often. I never fit in at school and was often bullied for many reasons. Race, Likes, actions, and all sorts. When i was in elementary i was a mixed kid in a black school. I never had many friends and a tended to stay by myself. My only good friend was my Sega genesis. It often made my mother thought i was obsessed with it. I would still play with it even if there were so many other things to do. Even when i played pretend i would imagine i was Sonic. I wasn't very creative then either. Since i was an easy bullied target i kinda grew up to be a socially awkward guy who tends to not act quite right around others. I'm sure all who were around me know this but i would hate to think that i would annoy others. Just the thought of someone talking about me behind my back saying I'm fucked up in the head really rocks my world and often keeps me reviewing my life like a movie playing back every weird socially award thing i have done in my entire life from the young days to present, over and over and over. I don't know why i care about those feelings. I try to comfort myself into thinking its all behind me but i know they will come back to haunt me in my sleep. But i know now after years of meeting other people i have gained acceptable social skills. I guess it is something to be proud of.I often think about how to be an adult. I'm pretty immature. I like video games with lots of color and funny animals and laugh at fart jokes. I like cartoons and tend to stay away from alcohol and drugs. I love bunnies and have a huge collection of stuffed animals and figurines that would make other people think I'm a looney or homosexual. Though the would only be half right. Should i prove my adulthood by drinking myself stupid or going to clubs or abandoning all the things i love? Of course not. You are only as old as you feel you are. I think its foolish to try to be more adult. After all that's something a child does.

A thought I have had about myself is the direction on where my life is going. I think about the typical question that is asked by family and other authoritative figures that look down on anyone younger generations aggressively to get them to ponder about making sure their life doesn't turn to shit. "What do you want to be when you grow up." "What are you going to do with your life." "You need to set goals for yourself" I may say i am laid back but that is the perfect definition of what i am. I do not like to worry about the future but i like to think about what would make the world a better place. My life to me is not written in stone. But this can often lead to me being a lazy asshole who spends most of his time behind a computer. I do have an idea of what i want to do in the future but its all to fuzzy to really say what it is. For now i would like to think someone or something will push me to where i need to go.

Perfect is a word that is often misused. After all, no one is perfect. Though perfection is how you see the subject. Imperfections make us human. And the imperfections can even make you perfect to someone else. So are Imperfections Perfect? I know i have my flaws. I have a deep fear f going to school and i used to be afraid of socializing. My Mother said i don't do well in crowds but I squeezed myself out of my antisocial cocoon and became a social butterfly. Maybe another fuel source of my fear of school is my fear of failure and wasting money. I haven't gone to college riding on the fear that i would waste money, forcing me to pay off debts of colleges tuition only to try to go back to college and fail again. Another imperfection is my lack of will and motivation. Despite my fears and knowledge about how my life will be if i continue to be a lazy slacker it doesn't seem to push me forward. If you see a man with a switchblade knife chasing you, your instinct would be to fight or run and not stand there thinking if you should do either. I would be that guy. A Good thing to be a better person is to know your imperfections. I know i can be a mooch sometimes. I know i can think with my dick at the wrong times. I know i don't have a way with words on the fly but knowing that kind of makes me feel good about myself. It also makes me feel that everyone else is fucked up in their own way as well. I think the media has a way of forcing us to think about ourselves in negative ways. Everyone should think about what really makes us who we are.

Man, humanity sure is fucked up. Me and my younger sister were watching all sorts of crime shows and dramas about women killing their husband and killers committing crimes just to see how it feels. Lately we have been talking about touchy subjects and how terrible people can be. Though it may seem unhealthy to think about those things, in a way it got us to think together positively. Day after day i have convinced my sister how Atheism is not just a way to hate on other religions. Though sometimes i can be a bit blunt and rude,it's never intentional. I don't usually try to hate on the person who's religion i talk about it, just the religion itself. My older sister was very offended when i said "Astrology is for wankers" Though i didn't know she actually believed in that kinda stuff i heart her feelings. Though i have a lot of spiritual friends i think we can all get along despite what man believes in what. My mother can be a bit too open when it comes to her belief such as saying things like "There are ghosts in this house.". She even was very angry when i told her i was an atheist. She was claiming i was reaping rewards of holidays i don't even believe in. To me its about family and not about the religion. Even though i think man often tears itself apart by separating each other into different religion, creeds, race,sexuality,and even about your opinions of using drugs or alcohol. i think its good to just realize we are all just man. And not like...male or female just humans. I wish we could all just be humans for once. Women aren't being oppressed. Blacks aren't being oppressed. We all are being oppressed by each other. Everyone has different opinion on some kind of personal trait that sets us apart from another and eventually we will be treated disrespectfully for it. I don't think that will ever change. But that is human nature.

Please Understand I Am Not A Perfect Man