I haven’t read anything this exciting in this vein since “Tales from the Morphing period”.

I like the world you have given glimpse here.

As I have worked on severe help hotlines before your depiction and intensity in this regard is very respected and I feel that you have captured that very well. Karen does her job correctly.

You have a very fine pacing in your action description that keeps the ball moving. Character description is lacking.

This of course doesn’t mean throwing in a globe of details. Try throwing in some character traits with your lovely action. What you did with Jasmine putting on her clothes leaving was an excellent of example of what to do in that regard.

For anthropomorphic characters this is harder to do. We like to just say the tiger and cheetah man and be done with it. We must realize though that in a world of many cheetah and tiger men that individual character iconography is difficult to portray. Habits, tails, paws, faces, fur markings, muzzles, eyes, etc. are going to be your ticket.
Also expanding on your environmental descriptions could also be awarding. Not just description of location, but space, time, temperature, and air can aid your strength.

“We need you to come with us for a bit. Your father called.” he stated simply.
As soon as he finished speaking, a yellow and black blur ran by her and grabbed her as it passed.
“Jasmine, its Jake. You know the cheetah you met the other day? Come on, hon. I’m taking you to the Center. I’ve been following you since you left the house. Let’s get you some place safe.” he said, as he stopped long enough to re-position her in his arms so he was carrying her in a better position, and then took off again down the street.”


This needs transitioned better. In the popular imaginary cheetah anything is supposed to be fast. This deus ex mahcina, however, in biological reality is a bipedal cheetah man. The reactions missing from the H4L is important to the world and story. A lot of important things can happen and be revealed in this instance. Right now in its single action it feels off pace. Every action has a reaction; the audience expects it and not giving one or canceling that out doesn’t sit well with them.


Alright some logos (logic).

Be careful, it is too easy to get caught up in a us vs. them, humans vs. fur, Other vs. other argument. That is not where the strength of this genre lies. The Ovid or metamorphic horror has an excellent and rich history in myth, legend, and folktale far from just the werewolf slasher. It allows the audience to explore boundaries and ask questions of what it is to be human. Often reminding us of the human in each other, the naturel world, and often the mystical. Modern variations often remind us of issues of the scientific and globalizing market world.

So yes, do not paint this black and white, but in a richness of people and hues.
People care for their relationships, their friends, their family, mates, and more. When the human identity is at stake there is both intense conflict and intense coming together.

For example where are the non-humans in the center?

As this is a contemporary setting be careful of the logos in relationship to science. “We don’t know why it is happening?” The audience can only disbelief that answer in fiction so many times, especially in a contemporary setting so many times. They will eventually expect an answer and a damn good one. Now, just naturally everything in the universe can’t be known nor be understood fully. Still, if people started transforming we would expect scientists to begin pouring around the clock and with them government regulation, and the corporate willing for a quick buck.

Remember both global and local. One or the other is often forgotten in works like this. If this is Jasmine’s story remember to give glimpses of the global through the local.

My final advice is readers here get kind if irate if updated with small changes or a few extra pages, if publishing is not your goal delete older copies and replace them with a solid chapter and then that one again. Not every draft needs posted.

I am also quite intrigued to learn more, especially about the state of the world and this H4L organization.

I wish the best with this and mean no offence shaped by my opinion, frame of reference, and experience.

Sorry this was supposed to be, For example where are the non transformed-human workers in the center?

Thank you for your feedback! You're the second person to have given me such wonderful critiques. I'll be looking into writing more in the new year, and yes, my goal is to be eventually published. I plan to have a book with my name on it sometime in the next decade, this is just a work in progress. My New Years Resolution is 300,000 words written in 2014

I look forward to writing more for you, and hoping you'll give me just as honest feedback.

:D

Just remember publishing companies don’t like to see works online for free. Make sure to delete your FA drafts when you aim to publish or consider other options.

Best and a happy new year.

Will do, thanks!

Have a safe and happy New Year!