It's been a few years since I drew her. Nikki always held a very important place in my drawing history, and in my heart, because of her significance. So many years ago, before I got better at drawing, before I even joined the fandom, I drew a shy snow leopard girl, sitting on a wall, listening to music and looking off in the distance, as if looking for something. She was the very first anthro character I ever drew, but she was more than that. She was a personification of my dreams, to put it simply. The personification of something that I had always wanted, always dreamed of. An idea of a true, loving companion; honest, sweet, cuddly, caring, intelligent, happy, responsible, and all around loyal person. But it wasn't just for relationships...it was happiness in general. She was something that I had wanted for a long time, something I had wished for many times...and many times thought I had.

The story as it goes on gets more and more sour...and at one point I was forced to destroy her completely, because I thought it was for love. I thought that by getting rid of a silly dream, I'd be that much closer and seen in a higher light to whom I was with...

Sadly however this turned out to be a lie, over and over again. A lie I was forced to live for years...even now, after nearly 5 years of going through the same dance, over and over again, and now I seem to have come full circle.

Nikki is not a drawing I drool over, nor is she some sort of toy or fantasy object...she was...IS, a dream. A dream that I can be happy. Not only with myself, but with another. She is what spawned my art time and time again, regardless of how she looked, or was dressed, or what species she may have been...she was still that one dream, that one idea. That idea that tells me that, I know what I want from my life, and another. That I want to be treated fairly, and respected, and that no matter what form a "Nikki" may take, that I CAN be happy and CAN be loved.

So maybe by drawing her now, I'm reinforcing that idea...that no matter how hurt, and hateful I feel, there's still that little glimmer of hope, that little idea, that I WILL be happy someday. At this point in my life...I'm doubtful I will find someone who has her personality, or anything close to it...I may never find anyone as loyal to me as Nikki, but I feel that, as long as I hold onto that idea, that dream...I will be happy, and I will continue to stay alive, and be exactly what I need to be...


Me.