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![Tales of the Eternals Chpt 1 [OLD]](http://d.furaffinity.net/art/altallo/stories/1488278723/1375581606.thumbnail.altallo_tales_of_the_eternals_2.docx.gif "Click to change the View")
This chapter is now outdated. Please find the re-written version here.
Tales of the Eternals. Chapter 1. The creature of blue and gold
He ran through the forest, stopping every so often to check the ground or sniff the air. He pushed aside undergrowth with ease, his slim body slicing through the ferns like a fish through water.
He stops suddenly in a small, sunlight glade. Strange footprints lay on the forest floor, the canopy above him full of the calls of small flying creatures. They were small and roundly shaped. There was also a strange mix of scent in the air, mostly familiar with the likes of horned heads, armour backs, bone-heads and, unmistakeably, of flesh-eaters. Gripping his spear tightly, he moves slowly onwards, following the tracks. Soon enough, he reaches an open area. Keeping to the undergrowth, he sees the tracks leading across the clearing to….something.
He had never seen anything like it; it had a blue and gold body and a strange gold crest on its head, from which long brown hair flowed from underneath, reaching its shoulders. The creature turns, and in its arms it holds a clear vessel; inside is a small bush with bright yellow and orange flowers and a pair of insects with large brightly coloured wings of purple. But what caught the hunter’s attention were the hands of the creature. They are clawless, pale and smooth in appearance. The creature moves away without facing the hunter, making for edge of the forest, carefully carrying the vessel.
The hunter follows at a distance, keeping to undergrowth as much as possible. After a short distance though the hunter ducks behind a tree, as a herd of Ceratorns appeared from the depths of the forest, magnificent animals with a big bulky body, four strong legs, a large frilled head with two horns above their small eyes and a smaller horn on their noses, just above their beak of a mouth. The creature he was following also stops, but in plain view of the oncoming herd. To the hunter’s amazement, the Ceratorns completely ignore the creature, except for one; a large male which looked like the leader, with old wounds riddling his large face and a prominent scar running down from eye lid to nose. The giant horn head walked up slowly to the creature, grunting softly. The creature starts running one of its pale hands across the brown scales, and the Ceratorn begins to emit a loud, throaty rumble.
The hnter had never seen a Ceratorn act this way before. Soon the lead Ceratorn trots off after it’s heard, and the yellow and blue creature moves off again, as though this were a daily event.
The hunter continues to follow the thing until it reaches an area of hills. On top of the hills are huge clumps of branches and leaves, where chirruping noises can be heard-Pterosaur nests! The hunter draws back nervously in the shade. Soaring high above or moving amongst the nests were adults, huge creatures with leathery wings, long cruel looking toothless beaks and a tall purple-coloured crest atop their heads. The creature moves towards a large boulder, which looks rather out of place. Unlike the surrounding hilly cliffs, it was completely clean with no Pterosaur nests, droppings or any plants at all.
The creature climbs up to the boulder, the Pterosaurs taking no notice. The creature then touches the boulder and at once, a crack appears on its surface and a strange blue light shines out. The creature moves into the light, out of view and the crack closes.
The hunter blinks rapidly. Surely his eyes were tricking him!
After a quick glance back to the forest, he grasps his spear tightly and with a deep breath, plunges forward.
At once a chorus of screams and shrieks come from the Pterosaurs. Many soared downwards and covered their nests with huge wings. He carefully kept his distance, struggling over the steep uneven terrain, but he could feel their eyes upon him and heard sharp caws every so often making him flinch. Soon he reaches the boulder, away from the nests. He presses his head against the smooth rock, but could hear nothing. He touched the surface, rapped his claws on it and even gave it a tap with the tip of his flint spear, but nothing at all happened.
He stared puzzled at the huge rock. He could smell the creature’s scent around it, an odd smell…neither hunter or prey. He gave a short sigh and moves off to a nearby depression in the ground and sits down, pondering. What creature made its home from solid rock?
His thoughts drifted away as he stares up at the blue morning sky. What is this thing he had been following? What would his clan think when it was discovered?
Much later, he hears a loud noise behind him. Whirling around he spies the creature stepping out from a doorway of blue light in the boulder. The light disappears as the creature steps away. After a quick look round, presumably gathering its bearings, the creature sets off back to the forest. The hunter follows again, curiously watching the movements of the creature. It glided through the forest undergrowth almost seamlessly like sunlight, the hunter barely hearing a sound from it.
After a trek, they come towards a small river, where a waterfall thunders in the distance. The creature starts walking along its banks, studying the ground and plants like a forager. The hunter eyes the creature from the cover of a huge clump of ferns, so close he could have reached out and touched the creature. From this close it looked a lot smaller than from afar, though still with its face still out of sight.
It moves off again away from the hunter, head still turned and examining something on the ground. The hunter readies his spear. His chance comes when the creature is distracted by a small orange pterosaur skimming on the river’s surface looking for fish.
The hunter lunges out from the undergrowth spear levelled and snarling, fully visible to the creature. Standing on two strong legs, he towers over the creature. His entire body is covered in green scales, with a long tail and a lean, muscular chest and arms and wore only a simple loincloth around his waist. His face had a long pointed snout, the top of which had three painted lines; a blue one bordered by two red, with two quivering nostrils and sharp teeth bared. Two orange eyes with black slits of pupils glared with a wild viciousness, but soon his pupils become wider and his look turns to one of curiosity.
The creature had whirled around in alarm at the sound of the approaching hunter and now stood face to face with him. Its face was round and it did not have snout, only a tiny little nose. Over the face around the nose were clusters of small brown freckles. A pair of deep green eyes stared from the face, almost calculating, though it did not move or make an action. The hunter noticed the thing on its head, a gold coloured object with four large wavy gold features extending from its base upwards, almost like petals from a flower and two extra ones extended downwards, flanking the face. At the front the hunter notices three red stones inserted in the gold base, each looking polished like stones from a river bed and a bright blue feather in-between two of the wavy extensions . It was small, its head only reaching the hunter’s chest in height, yet it there was a sense of grace and power, like an aurora around its tiny frame.
They looked at each other for a long time, the hunter looking confused and the golden creature haughty. Eventually the creature turned on the hunter and started to move away. The hunter eventually found his voice.
“Don’t go!” he said in a slightly constricted voice.
He runs over and catches one of the creature’s arms. The creature quite literally glares at him, eyes narrowed and full of defiance, reminding the hunter of a Ceratorn. He gulps and then speaks again, trying to keep his voice steady.
“Look, my name is Shern’aath, I mean you no harm and…”
The creature tilts its head looking puzzled. All it can hear are sharp barks and soft grunts.
The hunter, Shern’aath sees he’s going nowhere, grunts in frustration. The creature meanwhile seems to realise what the hunter is trying to do, its eyes widening slightly. It reaches out a tiny hand and places it on Shern’aath’s snout. Shern’aath starts, he wanted to run away suddenly from this strange thing and yet something kept him rooted to the spot. Then he started feeling something odd….a cool flowing down his neck and back.
The creature soon takes its hand away and then…it spoke:
“Shern’aath?” it asks in a soft and gentle voice.
Shern’aath blinks.
“Y-yes. I’m Shern’aath” he says “Who are you?”
“My name is Altallo.” Replies the creature.
Tales of the Eternals. Chapter 1. The creature of blue and gold
He ran through the forest, stopping every so often to check the ground or sniff the air. He pushed aside undergrowth with ease, his slim body slicing through the ferns like a fish through water.
He stops suddenly in a small, sunlight glade. Strange footprints lay on the forest floor, the canopy above him full of the calls of small flying creatures. They were small and roundly shaped. There was also a strange mix of scent in the air, mostly familiar with the likes of horned heads, armour backs, bone-heads and, unmistakeably, of flesh-eaters. Gripping his spear tightly, he moves slowly onwards, following the tracks. Soon enough, he reaches an open area. Keeping to the undergrowth, he sees the tracks leading across the clearing to….something.
He had never seen anything like it; it had a blue and gold body and a strange gold crest on its head, from which long brown hair flowed from underneath, reaching its shoulders. The creature turns, and in its arms it holds a clear vessel; inside is a small bush with bright yellow and orange flowers and a pair of insects with large brightly coloured wings of purple. But what caught the hunter’s attention were the hands of the creature. They are clawless, pale and smooth in appearance. The creature moves away without facing the hunter, making for edge of the forest, carefully carrying the vessel.
The hunter follows at a distance, keeping to undergrowth as much as possible. After a short distance though the hunter ducks behind a tree, as a herd of Ceratorns appeared from the depths of the forest, magnificent animals with a big bulky body, four strong legs, a large frilled head with two horns above their small eyes and a smaller horn on their noses, just above their beak of a mouth. The creature he was following also stops, but in plain view of the oncoming herd. To the hunter’s amazement, the Ceratorns completely ignore the creature, except for one; a large male which looked like the leader, with old wounds riddling his large face and a prominent scar running down from eye lid to nose. The giant horn head walked up slowly to the creature, grunting softly. The creature starts running one of its pale hands across the brown scales, and the Ceratorn begins to emit a loud, throaty rumble.
The hnter had never seen a Ceratorn act this way before. Soon the lead Ceratorn trots off after it’s heard, and the yellow and blue creature moves off again, as though this were a daily event.
The hunter continues to follow the thing until it reaches an area of hills. On top of the hills are huge clumps of branches and leaves, where chirruping noises can be heard-Pterosaur nests! The hunter draws back nervously in the shade. Soaring high above or moving amongst the nests were adults, huge creatures with leathery wings, long cruel looking toothless beaks and a tall purple-coloured crest atop their heads. The creature moves towards a large boulder, which looks rather out of place. Unlike the surrounding hilly cliffs, it was completely clean with no Pterosaur nests, droppings or any plants at all.
The creature climbs up to the boulder, the Pterosaurs taking no notice. The creature then touches the boulder and at once, a crack appears on its surface and a strange blue light shines out. The creature moves into the light, out of view and the crack closes.
The hunter blinks rapidly. Surely his eyes were tricking him!
After a quick glance back to the forest, he grasps his spear tightly and with a deep breath, plunges forward.
At once a chorus of screams and shrieks come from the Pterosaurs. Many soared downwards and covered their nests with huge wings. He carefully kept his distance, struggling over the steep uneven terrain, but he could feel their eyes upon him and heard sharp caws every so often making him flinch. Soon he reaches the boulder, away from the nests. He presses his head against the smooth rock, but could hear nothing. He touched the surface, rapped his claws on it and even gave it a tap with the tip of his flint spear, but nothing at all happened.
He stared puzzled at the huge rock. He could smell the creature’s scent around it, an odd smell…neither hunter or prey. He gave a short sigh and moves off to a nearby depression in the ground and sits down, pondering. What creature made its home from solid rock?
His thoughts drifted away as he stares up at the blue morning sky. What is this thing he had been following? What would his clan think when it was discovered?
Much later, he hears a loud noise behind him. Whirling around he spies the creature stepping out from a doorway of blue light in the boulder. The light disappears as the creature steps away. After a quick look round, presumably gathering its bearings, the creature sets off back to the forest. The hunter follows again, curiously watching the movements of the creature. It glided through the forest undergrowth almost seamlessly like sunlight, the hunter barely hearing a sound from it.
After a trek, they come towards a small river, where a waterfall thunders in the distance. The creature starts walking along its banks, studying the ground and plants like a forager. The hunter eyes the creature from the cover of a huge clump of ferns, so close he could have reached out and touched the creature. From this close it looked a lot smaller than from afar, though still with its face still out of sight.
It moves off again away from the hunter, head still turned and examining something on the ground. The hunter readies his spear. His chance comes when the creature is distracted by a small orange pterosaur skimming on the river’s surface looking for fish.
The hunter lunges out from the undergrowth spear levelled and snarling, fully visible to the creature. Standing on two strong legs, he towers over the creature. His entire body is covered in green scales, with a long tail and a lean, muscular chest and arms and wore only a simple loincloth around his waist. His face had a long pointed snout, the top of which had three painted lines; a blue one bordered by two red, with two quivering nostrils and sharp teeth bared. Two orange eyes with black slits of pupils glared with a wild viciousness, but soon his pupils become wider and his look turns to one of curiosity.
The creature had whirled around in alarm at the sound of the approaching hunter and now stood face to face with him. Its face was round and it did not have snout, only a tiny little nose. Over the face around the nose were clusters of small brown freckles. A pair of deep green eyes stared from the face, almost calculating, though it did not move or make an action. The hunter noticed the thing on its head, a gold coloured object with four large wavy gold features extending from its base upwards, almost like petals from a flower and two extra ones extended downwards, flanking the face. At the front the hunter notices three red stones inserted in the gold base, each looking polished like stones from a river bed and a bright blue feather in-between two of the wavy extensions . It was small, its head only reaching the hunter’s chest in height, yet it there was a sense of grace and power, like an aurora around its tiny frame.
They looked at each other for a long time, the hunter looking confused and the golden creature haughty. Eventually the creature turned on the hunter and started to move away. The hunter eventually found his voice.
“Don’t go!” he said in a slightly constricted voice.
He runs over and catches one of the creature’s arms. The creature quite literally glares at him, eyes narrowed and full of defiance, reminding the hunter of a Ceratorn. He gulps and then speaks again, trying to keep his voice steady.
“Look, my name is Shern’aath, I mean you no harm and…”
The creature tilts its head looking puzzled. All it can hear are sharp barks and soft grunts.
The hunter, Shern’aath sees he’s going nowhere, grunts in frustration. The creature meanwhile seems to realise what the hunter is trying to do, its eyes widening slightly. It reaches out a tiny hand and places it on Shern’aath’s snout. Shern’aath starts, he wanted to run away suddenly from this strange thing and yet something kept him rooted to the spot. Then he started feeling something odd….a cool flowing down his neck and back.
The creature soon takes its hand away and then…it spoke:
“Shern’aath?” it asks in a soft and gentle voice.
Shern’aath blinks.
“Y-yes. I’m Shern’aath” he says “Who are you?”
“My name is Altallo.” Replies the creature.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 16.6 kB
So I really liked this, but is it intended as an I production to this world as a whole or has that yet to be written? I ask that, because while a furry could jump right I to this, a mundane could not. Somebody with little knowledge of dinosaurs and would be a bit lot I think. One thing that would immediately be confusing, is the identity of the hunter and his species. I understand why you waited to reveal that untill later, but I think that details like he is a sentient reptile, and that he is lightly clothed should be conveyed in some way, so the reader isn't completely taken off guard when the "hunter" character is revealed. There is little reason for this type of reveal to be used, and it would be better used to introduce a side character, instead of the main character, because the reader will already be forming heir idea of what you character looks like before you reveal him en full. It pulls them out of the story when you force your own specific description upon their imagination so late in the game. Take this as you will, but I do believe that you should at least hint at your character characteristics, so the reader doesn't get forced to generate their own image of this hunter. By not specifying his species early on, many reader will probably imagine a human hunter like a primitive human. This would all be fixed if you had some I introduction to this world en full, that explained if their were humans or not, land what the creatures on this planet are like. Adding an I introduction to the world of this story would also give the reader some expectations that you
could play with. For example, if you introduced multiple races in a general manner, whether by name or species, the reader would be expecting certain things already, and it would make it as surprising for them as it is for Altallo when Shern'aaath leaps from his hiding place in the bushes. Another benefit of an intro would be t set the scene and pose some questions to the reader. I imagine that because of Altallo, there may be space travel at some point? Maybe there are more planets then just this one? Does anything live on those planets? Are they barren like our solar system? Did life use to live there? You could either hint at such details or blatantly say it outright. Such things make the reader seek answers, and read on! The best way t write is to pose questions that are slowly answered. Drip feed the reader tantalizing hints as to the greater nature of things, and you world will become alive to them! Great characterization and great detail when visualizing what the characters were doing. It seemed very believable and natural. One thing I missed was maybe a bit more on where the hunter comes from, who he lives with and around. Maybe he could find something while following Altallo that reminds him of home briefly? Maybe the trees are of the same species and health as the trees near his home? Maybe he sees some small plan life, like some sort of flowering plant that he had given to a family member at some point in his life? I don't pretend to know,how writing should be done, I am just merely giving you suggestions in the vein of what I think I would try and do in your situation. This is a good first chapter and an interesting way to introduce these characters! Keep it up hun! I'm rooting for you. :#3 You friend, Aden (Sagaron) And in real life, Travis. :P
could play with. For example, if you introduced multiple races in a general manner, whether by name or species, the reader would be expecting certain things already, and it would make it as surprising for them as it is for Altallo when Shern'aaath leaps from his hiding place in the bushes. Another benefit of an intro would be t set the scene and pose some questions to the reader. I imagine that because of Altallo, there may be space travel at some point? Maybe there are more planets then just this one? Does anything live on those planets? Are they barren like our solar system? Did life use to live there? You could either hint at such details or blatantly say it outright. Such things make the reader seek answers, and read on! The best way t write is to pose questions that are slowly answered. Drip feed the reader tantalizing hints as to the greater nature of things, and you world will become alive to them! Great characterization and great detail when visualizing what the characters were doing. It seemed very believable and natural. One thing I missed was maybe a bit more on where the hunter comes from, who he lives with and around. Maybe he could find something while following Altallo that reminds him of home briefly? Maybe the trees are of the same species and health as the trees near his home? Maybe he sees some small plan life, like some sort of flowering plant that he had given to a family member at some point in his life? I don't pretend to know,how writing should be done, I am just merely giving you suggestions in the vein of what I think I would try and do in your situation. This is a good first chapter and an interesting way to introduce these characters! Keep it up hun! I'm rooting for you. :#3 You friend, Aden (Sagaron) And in real life, Travis. :P
well my intention was to create mystery and the unknown. And then to have it revealed slowly.
and there will be space travel too :D
I had a version where Altallo was the main character and talking to himself.....but I didn't like it and thought it was corny. Plus he never really is the main focus in most chapters, he's more a mystery.
and there will be space travel too :D
I had a version where Altallo was the main character and talking to himself.....but I didn't like it and thought it was corny. Plus he never really is the main focus in most chapters, he's more a mystery.
I know that the intention was mystery, I just think that it could have had a little more set up, so the reader isn't confused by why they can't learn more. Now that I've had some time to think on it, I really believe that some sort of introduction to the setting of this story should be made. Starting with complete mystery is okay, but sometimes you have to give people a base from which to start, otherwise it can be hard for the reader to relate, and emphasize with the character. Readers get sucked into a story faster, when you answer a few interesting questions about you world here, like what planet this is, what year it might be, and what sort of atmosphere this planet has. Maybe talk in general about the kinds of life present on the planet, and mention whether or not they are even carbon based life forms. Okay, that might be a little much, but it is just an example of a detail, while not most well know of facts, many people are familiar with the concept, and now that at least we could live on the planet if other carbon based life can live there. I'm not making my point very well here, it's hard to come up with good examples for this kind of stuff. Anyways, this is a good foundation for a story that you have created here, it really feels like it will go somewhere really interesting! :D :3 Take my advice with a grain of salt, as to each his own, and you can listen or print out my advice and burn it in a fire if you want. X3 I just want to give my perspective in the ammout of detail that I desire for my own writing. I love comments too! :0 :P
well the original versions of Tales of the Eternals had an opening. But I scrapped it because it didn't work out and I actually sort of want to throw people into mystery and get them thinking and wondering. More is explained in Chapter 2, but I wanted to begin on an ambiguous note
Ah Okies. XS I need to get to reading chapter two then. X/ Lol. That will change my opinion greatly. That sounds like a fine was to set things up. I'm sorry, I assumed based on seeing too many stories that never give the needed description, that you were ommiting it because it was easier to continue he story with more mystery in place. I am fine with that opening into material being in chapter two. That is completely good. I have no further nitpicky gripes since you have that. :P *Huggles tight.* Nice job confounding me, by blowing my expectations out of the water. I should have know you had it handled. You are a really sharp guy. I should have knew you had a plan and already covered all the requirements. I can be a biiiioot pretentious sometimes when it come to writing. High and mighty acting too. X.X My pride and ego are a little too inflated sometimes. Sorry. I think it's a dragon thing. XS lol
that's ok
I'm trying to be different and unusual--who wants to be like everyone else?
also I regard it as sort of like Dorothy arriving in Oz:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6D8PAGelN8
something new and amazing in an unexpected way. When Dorothy opens the door and discovers a new land in full colour :D
Shern'aath on his usual hunt finds something bright and colourful and a whole new world in the next chapter
also it does get easier, I promise This story is for kids as much as well as for adults, and we should treat kids as idiots, they can think things out
We should be getting them thinking and not on things like My Little Pony D:
I'm trying to be different and unusual--who wants to be like everyone else?
also I regard it as sort of like Dorothy arriving in Oz:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6D8PAGelN8
something new and amazing in an unexpected way. When Dorothy opens the door and discovers a new land in full colour :D
Shern'aath on his usual hunt finds something bright and colourful and a whole new world in the next chapter
also it does get easier, I promise This story is for kids as much as well as for adults, and we should treat kids as idiots, they can think things out
We should be getting them thinking and not on things like My Little Pony D:
Btw, I love debating finer points of stories and even critique that I give and receive. If you ever want to have a debate or talk about your story or whatever, drop me a note here on FA, or Skype me. :P I'll get back to you as soon as I can adequately respond to you. :P Cheers Altally. :3 Hope you have a good one!~
And by having that introductory material in your second chapter, you do make a point of keeping things fresh and unique! Always good to keep your readers on their toes. :P :3 Your writing outwitted me, so you are doing a wonderful job! :0 :3 I try to aim for the same goals with my writing. Hough, I am not as successful as you are, I think. You sound like a better writer than me. Xs Maybe,....you could read one of my stories sometime? I could send you a newer one that I haven't ever posted on this site. :P Only if you want to. :3
See what happens when you look sharp? You slice through vegetation like a sword!
No claws... could it be-- a human??!
The hunter is perseverant, i give him that.
Someone tell the blue-yellow creature that this high tech boulder is intimidating those Pterosaurs. They aren't used to such advanced technology. :I
Hahaha, hunter-person don't knows the password to the boulder home!
I know i've said it before, but man, hunting is such a demanding job!
Oh oh the hunter was a dinosaur all along!
And i knew it, it was a human-like creature!!!!!
And it doesn't speak Dinosaur... Aww :[
...oh wait. Tech beats language barrier! Yeah! :D
No claws... could it be-- a human??!
The hunter is perseverant, i give him that.
Someone tell the blue-yellow creature that this high tech boulder is intimidating those Pterosaurs. They aren't used to such advanced technology. :I
Hahaha, hunter-person don't knows the password to the boulder home!
I know i've said it before, but man, hunting is such a demanding job!
Oh oh the hunter was a dinosaur all along!
And i knew it, it was a human-like creature!!!!!
And it doesn't speak Dinosaur... Aww :[
...oh wait. Tech beats language barrier! Yeah! :D
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