so it turns out a higher power declared forgiveness on my grand fuck-up

they decided crippling "depression" is a good enough reason to look past my mistakes

what they did not know is the reason I was sad,

the reason I could not sleep,

is because I knew,

without a doubt,

that my failures were my own fault. that is an undeniable truth

so even though i have an undeserved second chance, i do not feel relief or joy in this news

the possibility of relapse makes me hesitate and brood.

perhaps the grand irony of this is,

the obsession that helped cause my worthlessness

and the obsession that helped me cope with the resulting misery

is now what i'm supposed to prove my worth with

and that is terrifying