Is this related to the game Portal? Forgive me if it's not, but I seem to recall the company there being called by the same name, and of course the portal gun is the same. A Half-Life/furry fic is an interesting idea (they take place in the same fictional universe, supposedly.)

First off, the opening is good, because it makes the reader wonder what's going on and ask questions, so they're more apt to read on. You also have neat character dynamics, and the potential to make them very interesting in terms of power struggles or gender roles.

I think the main problem, though, is the formatting: I haven't checked part two yet, but if it's like this then you need to make sure there's spaces between paragraphs and try to fix the weird errors with quotation marks not showing up. The later I've had a problem with, too, but I was only able to fix it by uploading a .doc file which makes it download-only (so it doesn't show up on this page), so one of us might have to ask a mod or someone if that's a way around that. The only other thing I'd mention is that when you need to emphasize something, use italics instead of capitalizing it, as it looks more professional.

Otherwise, good job, and don't stop writing--that's the only way to improve!

I don't know what went wrong with the paragraphs, they were spaced but that seemed to go away for some reason Anyway, thank you for the criticism and for reading, I assumed this had all but disappeared into the FA universe

You're welcome, and I know what you mean; I think stories just get much less attention here since it's so art based. If you haven't, try throwing this up on Yiffstar after you rework them, and you might get more hits: they organize their site to be story centric, since it has better tags and an actual search system--here, Yomi only got forty-three hits so far, but there within the first weekend I had 100+ and about 350 now, and that's considered quite low for there, as the more popular stories average 1,000s and I've seen one with almost 10,000 (yet, strangely, only three people had commented.)

If you do that, I'd actually recommend putting together parts one and two as one chapter, but divided by a "1." and a "2." at the beginning of their respective sections, so that the readers are given more of a taste for the world and feel more rewarded (yet, at the same time it isn't too long and makes readers turned off.) Let me know if you need any more help with that and when you put up more of the story. Also, Yiffstar doesn't require the stories to have yiffy material in them, if you were wondering.

By the way, I put the next part of Yomi if you want to see how it continues.

Alright to everything, I'll try to get on and put this up. The reason part two was short was because I was clothes lined by writers block So ya, also, I chose Aperture because it seemed the kind of place that would screw with the world!

Ok, good luck!