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Fate's Cold Hand Part 1 Chapter 3
And here we have our third set of characters. Four wizard apprentices get together on what they hope to be the last night of their studies before they are named wizards. Looks like there might be a snag or two in their plans, though...
There are two other parts of this story so far, but the order in which you read them is not important at this point.
As I mentioned earlier, this is a project I am working on, and would like to share. It's a bit-by-bit story I'm doing, and aim to post one part every week. When the story is done, I'm gonna put the whole thing together with illos. and everything.
I've been going on recently about getting with artists and musicians and working on this project, well, here it is. What I'ma do is post the pieces here a bit early, and let folks read them and get inspired (if you like) Well, then, if someone comes up with an illo to go with it, I'll format that into the story, and publish it on my website. Songs will also go on the site, and contributers will be credited and linked and everything.
So, you know, this is a way for all of us to help each other out :) Anyway, this is the third piece of the story. I think I'll try and doodle something for it, but if anyone comes up with anything, please let me know. Kay?
There are two other parts of this story so far, but the order in which you read them is not important at this point.
As I mentioned earlier, this is a project I am working on, and would like to share. It's a bit-by-bit story I'm doing, and aim to post one part every week. When the story is done, I'm gonna put the whole thing together with illos. and everything.
I've been going on recently about getting with artists and musicians and working on this project, well, here it is. What I'ma do is post the pieces here a bit early, and let folks read them and get inspired (if you like) Well, then, if someone comes up with an illo to go with it, I'll format that into the story, and publish it on my website. Songs will also go on the site, and contributers will be credited and linked and everything.
So, you know, this is a way for all of us to help each other out :) Anyway, this is the third piece of the story. I think I'll try and doodle something for it, but if anyone comes up with anything, please let me know. Kay?
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Housecat
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 82.4 kB
Paragraph 2: Cieling fans in a fantasy setting--curious, if logical. I immediately wonder--are the magical? Have little imps turning them, or is this the first clue that modern technology is in this world as well? Are they run by low-tech belts running out of the room, a la Dave and Buster's?
Paragraph 3: No fair only mentioning that they're anthros in the third paragraph! :) At least put some clue at the start that we're looking at nonhumans.
Paragraph 4: Misgivings about 70's slang. Perhaps something evocative of that without ACTUALLY being real-world kitsch? I want fantasy worlds to have fnatasy slang, darnit. ;)
Paragraph 5: '...never intended to marry' is making a lot of assumptions for me. I'll accept 'practical rather than pretty' but jumping to conclusions at her life-path on first sight seems like an unfair thing to be forced to do as the reader!
P 3-6: Parralel structure of these is a little glaring. If Statement-species-clothing-accessories was broken up a bit it might feel more natural.
--at the same time I like these paragraphs more than some other section since more description is woven in to the action.
Page 3, Para 1: Hard to take this paragraph seriously. Acknowlege that it's totally over the top, or sarcastic, or a joke? I have difficulty beliving that any real person talks like this. Other characters seem to find her belivable, so apparently I'm supposed to? Maybe I just have insufficent drama queens in my life. :)
Pg 3: Yay, description :)
Pg 4, para 1: '...except to scavengers, who drooled in thier sleep.' hee hee ;)
Paragraph 3: No fair only mentioning that they're anthros in the third paragraph! :) At least put some clue at the start that we're looking at nonhumans.
Paragraph 4: Misgivings about 70's slang. Perhaps something evocative of that without ACTUALLY being real-world kitsch? I want fantasy worlds to have fnatasy slang, darnit. ;)
Paragraph 5: '...never intended to marry' is making a lot of assumptions for me. I'll accept 'practical rather than pretty' but jumping to conclusions at her life-path on first sight seems like an unfair thing to be forced to do as the reader!
P 3-6: Parralel structure of these is a little glaring. If Statement-species-clothing-accessories was broken up a bit it might feel more natural.
--at the same time I like these paragraphs more than some other section since more description is woven in to the action.
Page 3, Para 1: Hard to take this paragraph seriously. Acknowlege that it's totally over the top, or sarcastic, or a joke? I have difficulty beliving that any real person talks like this. Other characters seem to find her belivable, so apparently I'm supposed to? Maybe I just have insufficent drama queens in my life. :)
Pg 3: Yay, description :)
Pg 4, para 1: '...except to scavengers, who drooled in thier sleep.' hee hee ;)
Hmmm. in this one, a few of the things you've mentioned are things I'm kinda' going for. I.E. the slang and recognizable technology.
One of the challenges I'm running into, though, is building these scenes while staying within my 1800-1900 word limits. I am seeing that in some cases it's better just to leave details out altogether. I.E. the fireplace and ceiling fans. They have no impact on the story except to set the scene as sort of a curious blend of mechanics and magics going on.. However, in the scope of what's going on.. they can be omitted.
I agree about the mouse's description. This paragraph reads to me like I was half awake when I wrote it. I intended to describe her as plain and simple, not, well, you know.
Re: waiting to mention they are furries.. *snickers* I kinda assumed.. given the audience, that this would be a given. Heh heh I'll revise. Perhaps give species first, and then names, rather than the other way around.
I'll revise this one (and the other two) and put them back up. :)
Thanks billions :) your input is extremely helpful :)
One of the challenges I'm running into, though, is building these scenes while staying within my 1800-1900 word limits. I am seeing that in some cases it's better just to leave details out altogether. I.E. the fireplace and ceiling fans. They have no impact on the story except to set the scene as sort of a curious blend of mechanics and magics going on.. However, in the scope of what's going on.. they can be omitted.
I agree about the mouse's description. This paragraph reads to me like I was half awake when I wrote it. I intended to describe her as plain and simple, not, well, you know.
Re: waiting to mention they are furries.. *snickers* I kinda assumed.. given the audience, that this would be a given. Heh heh I'll revise. Perhaps give species first, and then names, rather than the other way around.
I'll revise this one (and the other two) and put them back up. :)
Thanks billions :) your input is extremely helpful :)
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