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Ryouji and Carmel make their escape from the Eta's guards, into the forest that covers much of the Shogunate.
Finally, a real upload from me! I'm sorry I kept everyone waiting, it was just a matter of sitting down and actually doing this.
So, if you've read the first draft of episode 4, you'll notice most of the changes are near the end of the chapter. I've added a completely new scene for some foreshadowing, and changed around the order of a lot of things, not to mention taken out Ryouji's story almost altogether. So do give it a second read, and I'll hopefully get Episode 5 out a little more quickly.
Also, those paying attention to this story may be interested to know that I've extended my personal chapter outline to Episode 13, and I'm planning to make this about 24-25 chapters long. Episode 12 ends with a big climactic battle and a direction for the future, and 13 starts with some much-needed downtime, so I've decided that's where "season 1" will end. I may take a break from OAR at that point, or I may just keep going, but there's my plan. :) Big thanks to
Rew for her help with making these edits.
BEFORE CRITIQUING: please click "FIRST" and refer to the critiquer's note in the first chapter. Thank you.
Ryouji and Carmel make their escape from the Eta's guards, into the forest that covers much of the Shogunate.
Finally, a real upload from me! I'm sorry I kept everyone waiting, it was just a matter of sitting down and actually doing this.
So, if you've read the first draft of episode 4, you'll notice most of the changes are near the end of the chapter. I've added a completely new scene for some foreshadowing, and changed around the order of a lot of things, not to mention taken out Ryouji's story almost altogether. So do give it a second read, and I'll hopefully get Episode 5 out a little more quickly.
Also, those paying attention to this story may be interested to know that I've extended my personal chapter outline to Episode 13, and I'm planning to make this about 24-25 chapters long. Episode 12 ends with a big climactic battle and a direction for the future, and 13 starts with some much-needed downtime, so I've decided that's where "season 1" will end. I may take a break from OAR at that point, or I may just keep going, but there's my plan. :) Big thanks to
Rew for her help with making these edits. BEFORE CRITIQUING: please click "FIRST" and refer to the critiquer's note in the first chapter. Thank you.
Category Story / Anime
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 18.8 kB
Listed in Folders
Very nice. I like the way that new section helped the story slow down just a little bit and help our poor heros get a little rest. Plus now I have a better idea of some of the religious practices in this land...bonus! ^.^
I'm glad you kept that part on the end...hehe I love Nayami...
I'm glad you kept that part on the end...hehe I love Nayami...
Yes, I was sorry to have forgotten the shrine thing in the previous draft. What I'm trying to get across is that, while Ryouji may be an adherent to his Land's religious practices, Carmel has no real religion to speak of.
And yeah, I kind of like the Notanes myself. :D I hope I can bring them back for a later chapter.
And yeah, I kind of like the Notanes myself. :D I hope I can bring them back for a later chapter.
Hooray! I finished reading what you've got posted on this.
This would make a good manga. I noticed one small thing (and believe me; this isn't important at all): I think when Japanese guards give a 'yes sir!', they don't say 'hai'. I don't know exactly what it is, but it sounds more like 'Aa' or something. I only know this from watching various shows in Japanese. Maybe look into that.
This would make a good manga. I noticed one small thing (and believe me; this isn't important at all): I think when Japanese guards give a 'yes sir!', they don't say 'hai'. I don't know exactly what it is, but it sounds more like 'Aa' or something. I only know this from watching various shows in Japanese. Maybe look into that.
No, I don't think I could ever meet my own standards. I hope to work with an artist to mangize this, I know a few whose style would fit what I see.
Aaaaand, this land is based off of feudal Japan, but I'm trying to make it not just be Japan, because... Japan. c.c However, upon second thought, that "Hai!" is kind of dumb and I never really liked it. I think the solution is just to lose it. ;) Thanks for pointing it out, the little things can make or break a world, after all!
Aaaaand, this land is based off of feudal Japan, but I'm trying to make it not just be Japan, because... Japan. c.c However, upon second thought, that "Hai!" is kind of dumb and I never really liked it. I think the solution is just to lose it. ;) Thanks for pointing it out, the little things can make or break a world, after all!
Oh yes, I know. ^v^ And a manga is what I've intended for this from the beginning. I'm posting it here because it's just a short story. Phase 2 (the hardest, honestly) will be to script it out once all the flaws have been ironed from the plot. Then it's off to find an artist! And/or a publisher. I need to research comic/manga publishing in the US first. :B
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