Hating the fact the new year is here, still got a bit of last year I wanted to resolve and have finished. Between December being a shitshow that led to a job loss, hospital visits, mental health issues, another death in what miniscule if yet also distant family I got left, & a menagerie of other shit that kept building up a crippling cocktail of anxiety & depression - commonly leading to just bed rotting for multiple days straight or flat out disassociating from reality.

Had a moment on the first day of this new year that initially felt upsetting & defeating but found it needed to be, to fucking be that slap across the face I needed to realign me & give me some fucking clarity. I kept trying to save a bunch of WIPs in hopes of having to cut down my workload, rush to clear things out, salsify folks, etc..... kept having day after day after day after day of trying to salvage & complete something I felt no motivation to do despite having a goal there that is severely needed to be accomplished. Things that have been sitting for months - couple pieces for a yr+, fucking pist with myself that I have let these things fucking linger for so long - being self critical & trying to save something to not make it feel like a waste... ALL THE WHILE I WASTED MY TIME IN A SELF DESTRUCTIVE CYCLE WHERE NOTHING GOT DONE & SHIT GOT WORSE. I finally had to say fuck it, chuck the shit to the perma-delete bin and start new; Meet an internal compromise to elevate the projects from what folks wanted to meet what I could actually feel proud to even complete. To see a reward for my efforts aside from just the payment that was prior lobbed at me.

The 2nd, the 3rd, & today... the 4th of January; I've completed drafts for 6 pieces over that time, 3 of those pieces have elevated to their lineworks, 1 has been fully completed & commissioner beyond excited with the new direction I took. The WIPs I've thrown at folks so far, they're thrilled more so with the newer outcome. My personal drive as an artist - satiated. I NEEDED THAT.

Little by little I am trying to follow up with folks, tackling some of the smaller stuff, prepping for some of the bigger pieces. Trying to work the best I can here without intaking new works despite my situation at hand. Like I said prior, I wanted to manage refunds but with my job loss thats off the tables - best I can do is just get done whats owned. I cant put myself in a worse spot than I already am at & with another pending shit situation at hand that had to drop on my bday like a shitty gift, it really isn't feasible for me to do. I need to be able to work and I need to keep strong for a few others that require my efforts in order for us to stay afloat.