Preface: The urge/need to write about this comes from a similar situation coming up 3 times in the past week among different groups, in which I have participated in some and watched the other. I have thought about it, and choose to write free-flow; that is, to just type until I'm done, and then go back and ensure my points and ideals are fairly communicated.

Let's rip one band-aid off. Today, I'm discussing topics relating and pertaining to gender identity.

Let's hit another: I'm actually not trying to talk about these topics directly, but instead how the topics are handled and discussed; reacted to and responded to.

So... three times this week: Twice in chats, and once as a witness to an in-person event, I've seen discussions about gender identity- for lack of a better term- go wrong.

As to not out anyone that is in chats with me, here is the in-person example. In my place of work (food service), I was admittedly eavesdropping on a conversation from the moment I hear this grizzled older fellow (presumably father or grandfather in context), simply and gruffly state. "I don't get it. So, you wanna be a boy?" An innocent enough gesture, if not... lacking tact. Now, obviously I lack prior context, so this is just how I witnessed the events. The young man that the question was directed towards seemed to take offense. Here and there saying it should be obvious, he's liked the boy clothes more, hates his own body- what generally felt like... a defensive escalation, from my perspective. The old fellow seemed to stammer out some sort of request to hold on, before getting frustrated in return, and it just turned into an argument- eventually the woman with them got involved, and it became a more hushed argument, but one that lacked... substance, from what I heard prior to being quieted. And, then I went on my day. It wasn't a highlight, not something that really stuck around- it was something I remembered when choosing to finally tackle the topic after that and other events this week. Because such reactions, such discussions going that way... is unfortunately all too common.

Now, this isn't to say that the other two situations are similar- far from it, honestly. But it illustrates a point that I've seen scarcely mentioned.

How should we handle attempts to learn and understand, no matter how blunt or tactless they are?

The obvious answer is to try and help. But, in the moment- when our own gender identity is being questioned, or our own self is being... what feels like denied or dismissed, I see many quick to raise a shield and sword, defend and attack. Maybe it's a bit jarring, but now I want us all to just, please, step back.

For a lot of us that our younger, myself included- we grew up, either most of our lives, or all our lives, with transgender rights, gender identity, and LGBTQ+ (I hope I did that right? Comment if I need to correct please!) topics have been in the view of first-world society, in the mind of the people around us to varying extents- but largely present in any case. There are those who have gone most of their lives not knowing what it means to be transgender- both those who don't understand it, and those who learned about it and had a hopefully euphoric lightbulb moment of realization.

What is normal for some, is still so incredibly new for others. Vocabulary like transgender, trans-man/trans-woman, intersexed, politically correct terms that are helping to change the views of gender identity and physical presentations as a whole... these are new, in the scheme of things. My own grandparents are supportive, if not confused about my cousin going through a transition. They ask a lot of questions, they stumble, but they try with all their hearts. And still, sometimes when they slip, it's met not with a solemn but gentle correction, but with scathing remarks- from young adult and teen in the family except my cousin. Keep this in mind for later, if you will, as I don't want to detract from my current point. That point being- while obviously not an excuse for those that use it maliciously, the fact of the matter is that a lot of this vocabulary, a lot of these topics, have only come into the general public eye in the recent years, over the last decade. There will be many, many people who don't understand, who seek help- others still who don't understand, shrug, and say live and let live. Some who don't understand will be viewing from the outside, others will be going through changes themselves and want to better know how to identify, as to not inadvertently use a term labelled as offensive. Please, do your best, when you see something you do not agree with, or something that makes you uncomfortable, to take a moment and look at perspectives, at context. And then, clarify- no matter how thoroughly you believe you understand what is being said, clarify, to prevent tragic misunderstandings that can last a long, long time- this one I ask, and say, from personal experience.

Now, this leads into another related point- many, many people are passionate about gender identity, rights, and all relating topics. This passion, can not only be overwhelming, but be misconstrued in any variety of ways. A specific and admittedly hot-button topic that pertains to this is the question of whether or not Hermaphrodite/herm is a slur, or a genuine medical term and gender identity for those who choose to use it, be they intersexed, transitioned or otherwise. No matter which side you take on this topic, I'd bet a decent bit of money that if you're not of the group that just rolls with it and doesn't pay it much mind, you feel fairly strongly in one way or the other. Is that a catch-all? Maybe, but I do hope that the point is still made- this is a topic that has more heavy, passionate feelings than moderated and simple ones. In trying to explain one's side, it can be easy to accidentally throw the other under the bus- or even if not, it can be easy for another to mistake your passion for doing so. Honest interest in a topic, honest questions on it- they can all mean next to nothing, of people do not clarify. This falls on those of us with passionate feelings as well- do your best to explain your thoughts with clarity and transparency, while also trying to monitor how you say things (within reason, as overgeneralizing and simplifying does even more harm at times).

Notice a theme? I do. This? All of this- the topic, communicating around it, bringing it up, even having an opinion on these things. They all feel like walking on eggshells, as well as being so complex that it's hard to understand, perhaps even for those of us that are extremely well-versed in this entire topic.

This entire topic- as a conversation... is something that, on the outside, is glorified. Talk about gender, discover gender. But once it's beyond that, there's a very real fear that many hold for this topic: Fears of dismissal, invalidation, conflict, abandonment, loss and more. I implore all this clarity, all this understanding, because this topic is so... difficult, for some, that they feel as though simply weighing in with their opinion- be they trans, intersex, or straight-cis (which is not a problem, do not demonize cisgender/straight folks please), is a risk. If they do weigh in, there's a lingering unease- a worry. They may see innocent remarks and opinions as challenges, as argumentative, as dismissive of their own opinion- and in turn, their identity, their life. This can cause any number of reactions, from being defensive, to accusing, to leaving- all with their own paths that have ample chance to go down a rabbit hole of negativity. This, is why we should be clear- towing the line between walking on eggshells, yet knowing that a few of them are bound to be stepped on if we're ever going to make good, healthy progress. I mean, isn't half the wholesome-meme side of this, emerging from the egg? Leave the eggshell behind.

My english teachers always told me to have some sort of conclusion. So... please. Clarity, both in how you speak, and clarifying what others say. That is our greatest tool here. Pick up a pen and paper, write down the clarities, the questions, put away the reactionary, naturally reflexive sword and shield that we as a people have. Learn, convey, discuss- be willing to listen to things you have no form of agreement with, if only to see a perspective on the topic. Take the time to respond, not react. And above all, please, please be willing to endure some discomfort in discussion, to take the time to breathe deep if something seems wrong, or accusatory, or challenging, and just, double check. Clarify, and reiterate- to all this, please, as it will be a great help in leading to stronger understanding- stronger bonds.