A quick look through my journal history shows a rather consistent theme: decay. I've spent the past decade slowly losing my marbles and becoming a shell of a man.

With help-- a lot of help-- I think I've managed to begin turning things around. I'm no longer running damage control but instead planning reclamation. I seem to have found a medication that helps me and I'm currently enrolled in a program that helps people with disabilities find work. I'm also finally working on getting my driver's license and can expect to have that test taken and passed this year, perhaps by the start of summer. That, in turn, will open up more job opportunities... granted, I don't have a vehicle yet but merely possessing a license will open doors. In particular, I have a security guard license now and being able to drive will actually, you know, let me be a security guard since most positions involve driving. I may finally be able to get out of being a caregiver; no more people dying and leaving me wondering if it was my fault or if I could've done something different to prevent that outcome. Moreover, I may finally be able to afford rent someplace or at least be able to get a roommate to live with. To help with finding/getting to work, I've invested in an e-scooter. I admit it's not as good as what I hoped, given the price, but it'll do.

On that note, I confess my social life has been in flux since my last journal entry. Medication or not, I still struggle with maintaining a healthy social life and can only reliably keep up with like four people despite having several whom I would consider to be true friends, along with a dozen associates. It's caused some distancing, I think, which is made worse due to the lack of RP when it was kind of a foundational element to these relationships. The reality has also finally settled in that my desire for "a tribe"-- a community or family-- can't be fully realized purely online. Well, admittedly, part of me still thinks it's possible, but I've been experimenting with trying to find people locally who share my interests, often through local furry groups. So far? No dice. But I'm going to keep looking into it for a while before I draw any conclusions. It's more, uh, "realistic" to room with someone whom you know locally while already employed, rather than to displace oneself into another city, state, or country and hope to find employment.

Art has slowed down to a halt again, admittedly, but I've not given up hope. I did a little bit of sketching for Macro March in pencil and I have a few other new-ish sketches waiting to be digitally finished. Now, more than ever, I am close to being able to afford an art tablet with an actual screen. I've been wanting one for over ten years but sudden expenses and poor employment have always gotten in the way. In hindsight, I could have just tried to continue grinning and bearing it with my old Intuos but I think having to fight with both my lack of skill AND with technology contributed to the frustration I had with art. Speaking of technology, I'm once again considering getting into 3D via Blender, since it's free and I've seen a lot of good creations via Blender and it somewhat naturally flows into animation, which has teased me for years.

It's not all good news, however. My mother's health has been declining and it's a constant reminder that I'm on a time limit... not just a time limit to get on my feet but also to spend time with her while she's still able to be present. Even her dog, Chloe, has gotten advanced in years and is showing signs that she might not make it through to next year. It's haunting, really, this passage of time-- this time that I've lost due to my mental illness. I mean, it's already almost two weeks into April... it feels like last year was just a few weeks ago. Time has been giving me the slip and I see it every day when I look at my list of friends and see "Last message: X weeks/months ago". In some small capacity, I've made peace with the fact I am fundamentally broken and lacking in the "stuff" that makes someone, well, human, but I've also felt increasingly driven to seize that which I have long desired in life-- the things which I have been denied due to my health, upbringing, et cetera.

It would be wrong of me to not also express that my faith has been weak as of late or at least weathered and transformed. I'm pretty sure in one of my other journals I mentioned how I left my old church due to disagreements on morality. I still consider myself a believer but it's become a lot more nuanced, a lot more... borderline-heretical. I'm still searching for the truth, though my values have shifted over the years into a more practical, common-sense morality due to seeing too many people get hurt or seeing lives ruined due to vigorously following teachings in the Bible that have no practical basis apart from "the book says God said so". God may be perfect but we, as puny humans who physically wrote the things in the books and had to translate/preserve them over thousands of years, are not. I'm reminded of a quote in Firefly, "It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something-- and believing in it enough to change your life." The Scriptures have absolutely changed my life. It gave me morals when I was a child with undiagnosed mental illness, giving me the framework I needed as an adult. But it was still just a framework. In real life... there are times where the right thing to do isn't always the Biblical thing, I've come to understand. Does this mean I think God is imperfect or doesn't exist, or that Jesus was just a man? No. But I think there's more to it than the Good Book is letting on. Maybe Christians at some point made a mistake when they started treating it as this monolithic, immutable, perfect thing in and of itself.

I'm not trying to preach to anyone here. Far from it: I don't really plan on trying to convince anybody to believe what I do until I discover the truth in such a manner as to be confident that I am not spreading false teachings. I may be totally wrong in everything I just said and I pray that the Lord would correct me-- and I mean really correct me. Sending a stranger to argue semantics with me on the internet isn't much of a divine correction because anybody can do that. Even I could do that. But the Lord is incredibly smart and nothing is impossible for Him, so there must be a way for Him to get the point across to me.

Anyways, in summary: I'm not saying "We're so back" but conditions have been favorable as of late and recovery has progressed over the past 12 months. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel; I can see the big red "X" on the map again. It is more than theory and vain hope and is now a plausible thing that can be expected as a result of continued efforts.