gonna be turning 34 on may 12th.

does this make me an old gremlin in the furry community now? do I count as a grey muzzle or whatever that term is?

I've been in the furry community since 2011,

met a lot of people over the years.

some good...some great. but some bad and some horrible. and one truly disgusting.

it's all experience that puts some shape into my life so far.

not going to lie however. 2025 was a horrible year... i still haven't recovered in the slightest bit.
my mental state is unstable to say the least after being lied too, and betrayed, causing the ruin of a near 11 year relationship. however I am still...i wouldn't even say fighting or living. more... just being.

yeah, just being as much as I can. some friends I have, are trying to help in the ways they can. but the damage is done. and permanent... my emotions are shot, heart is blank, and my trust is gone. will I ever get them back? I'm not sure... I guess it doesn't really scare me in a sense, more reassuring I can't get hurt again? I don't even think that makes sense. I've just been having downs and middles, no real happiness anymore. just neutral and then lows. been dealing with a heavy depression since everything came to light. noting has really changed since then.

and thats just kind of the truth of it all. am I perfect? fuck no. I definitely did at least one fucked up thing last year in response to the betrayal...however that was already apologized for and talked about. so despite some people trying to hold on to that and trying to hurt me with it by skewing it with bullshit. their effort was for noting. I've already forgiven myself for going that far down mentally. and unlike that one person, that is the only fucked up thing I did, and in comparison to them. I'm a saint (not really, but it's not that hard to look good when your comparing yourself to literally human trash, so not really gloating there) well honestly I'm no saint; more like an asshole really, but I am real. so at least there is that. no fake "uwu look at me, i'm so soft and cute and happy all the time" performance here. just me being real. then again I was never here for attention or performance, I never cared about popularity or getting more followers and shit. never did and never will. I always had the mentality of I do what I want, and if people like it, cool. they can sit and enjoy what I make with me.

besides the personal drama, I have been trying to get back into art more, doing more animations, more drawing, going back into some 3d stuff as well.

last year quit my old job, started a new one. things been going ok on that front too.

I've also been experimenting more with my own nsfw things, trying to be more open with it, trying to include my sona in art with others, something I wasn't comfortable with before. still not really, but at least with friends I've been more open to it.

I think I've come to realize just because I'm asexual, doesn't mean I can't have some fun with just being in nsfw images. and what not.
I just have to separate the feeling from the fun kinda deal.

while I am experimenting with it, it does still feel kinda off. but not a bad off? just kind of a slight embarrassment. kinda feeling. but I'm going to assume thats actual just shyness.

I know, me being shy is crazy, but I actually am quite shy in some cases.

oh yeah there also was the crushing force fighter I did with kazecat. so that was also a fun little project that we kinda did in a week lol. sped run the fuck out of it but I also worked for like a week straight and i think he did too.

uh, I can't really think of anything else to ramble about, but thats the general gist of whats been going on from last year and this year.

so yeah I'm gonna be older soon. and I'm just gonna keep on being here. thats all I really can hope to do right?

Hope ya'll will have a good 2026 though. I know shit been tough for everyone. I guess everyone can just, be. and that will be alright.