I've been betrayed again.

i gave another chance and they used me again.
so i'm done...

i don't know if i'll ever be back.

i can't trust anymore, i can't love anymore. i can't feel anymore.

to fully explain just everything.

my ex cheated on me, what i thought was after my visit irl with him. as he said. and i only found out when we broke up in September.
which I trigged the break up. so if I didn't do that, he would of kept playing me for a sucker for who knows how long.

he claimed it was just a person who he met that year. in 2025. a few months after i visited him. and it was just one time in a rp and that he never talked to them since.
I did lose it during that time. and said "you'll regret this" what i meant was just a general form of regret. he took it as a threat of me actually killing him.
i explained once we had a conversation about it, that what i really meant was if he was gonna cheat he might as well just shoot me and get it over with. as i am suicidal and that betrayal hit hard.
i realized that was fucked up almost a day later and we had a conversation and I apologized for it.
cue a few months from then and i learned it wasn't just once in a rp, turns out he was dating the bitch, and planing to move in with her. so it was a lot more betrayal then just 1 rp session. and the only reason i found it out was just pure curiosity of clicking on their page from a shout they left on his page and seeing it.

i got pissed off. he dipped for weeks and didn't talk to me for weeks. i just wanted closure. i did even note her to warn her about him, i was under the impression she didn't know about me, or he didn't tell her anything ether. turns out I was wrong and she knew the whole time. she sprung this huge note back to me basically insulting me. and trying to one up my issues by saying hers where worst. at that point I didn't even note back it wasn't worth it.

we finally had a talk that lasted hours.
he actually talked about their visit they had weeks prior and he laughed at her. said she sprung some dog play on him and he was so confused and didn't even realize it was happening. he said he only cared about her, and couldn't even say he loved her. he said that relationship was just a punishment to him. and he mocked her extremely hard during that conversation, and said he wasn't even sure about the relationship but he just wanted to see where it goes.(I actually have the audio of it, and you'd be surprised he's dating someone he talks so low of, but considering he betrayed me, I'm not surprised he's going to do the same to her most likely.)saying that he couldn't even get hard with em, but he also said things like how he didn't want to hurt me, and that he knew how much he was a moron for doing it. and he truly didn't want to lose my friendship...and i foolishly believed him.
so we decided to remain friends.

I still wasn't ok, obviously after 15 years of friendship and nearly 11 years of being in a relationship, it hit hard. along with my depression it hit even harder.
I had neutrals and downs and really bad downs.
i tried to remain friends, i tried to get back into art. get into more social groups again and be more active with friends. it didn't do much to cure anything but i was trying.
i posted a vent journal here, just to vent out and the bitch found it and started commenting and lying saying i tried to kill him, tried to manipulate her. etc...etc.. which was all bullshit. cause lets use some common sense, if I tried to kill him as she claims, why would he have still been talking to me??
I couldn't even vent without her trying to ruin me. she is truly a horrible person who's doing her damn-est to try to get me to off myself.

recently i got notified that she was posting about me, cause again can't even vent without her going after me, and when i checked, she reposted a irl video of them fucking around in 2024. and i know it was on purpose.
thats right before the visit i did with him...
so turns out he lied. again. and was cheating with her for years. and literally a month before i visited him irl.

he took my first time under false pretenses. he lied about it. he lied about the cheating 3 times. and i foolishly let it all happen. made me waste thousands of dollars on him, used me for entertainment, for items, for gifts...

and now my heart is broken completely, my soul is shattered, and i have no will to even exist anymore...

so yeah, i wont be around for a while...and in all honesty i don't know if I will be back...

and no I don't expect pity, i don't expect comments saying everything is going to be ok.
i just want to explain everything before I go.