Tarri's Corner (Patreon Page)

Well, yes I am doing drugs.
Prescription drugs.
But if I say that then I won't sound cool, and I can't let people know I am secretly not awesome~ >:3

Anyway~

I have not updated my journals in like... forever. And I figured meh, might as well. I mean, you guys have probably noticed my art submission frequency drop over the past couple of years, so let's use that as an excuse to write a journal, cool?
Cool. :3

So some of you already know this, either from reading my posts on Patreon, or seeing some of the depression-related art, but for over two years now, I have been inundated with depression.
Not the mild kind where you get depressed but can still function kind, but the I'm-going-to-wreck-your-life-and-kill-everything-you-hold-dear kind where you can't be a functioning adult.
This ultimately led to me first going on anti-depressants in December 2023 in order to keep me afloat, but alas I was already over the edge of the abyss and screaming for the bottom, which resulted in me being removed from work by doctor's orders by the beginning of February 2024.

"Okay, no problem," Tarri thought. "At least I still have my art to keep me occupied and from getting bored."
"Lol," the depression replied. "I am going to fuck your life up but I won't let you know just yet..."
Depression's plan was simple as it was devious - let Tarri believe that functionality to work only related to employment-work and did not apply to everything that requires a form of work. And when Tarri would go to do art? BAM!! GOTCHA, SUCKA!!
Truly, this came to pass, and after five weeks Tarri realised art couldn't happen, even if it was desired, which caused utter frustration on top of the misery they were going through.
Truly, this condition was being a bitch.

But depression was not done. Not only did Tarri believe it would only be a downtime of 2-3 months, but it was like a total shutdown that lasted MANY of said months. Most days were absolutely horrid, with only the constant streaming of anime and other shows to (hopefully) keep the mind from eating itself alive (if it was lucky enough to actually work).
Gaming was also more difficult, as it became quite obviously that ability to work stems from a case of a stable mind, enough mental energy, and the ability to hold attention and focus. This was where art failed so much, and when Tarri did try to art, it would usually collapse before even opening a file.
Gaming requires less focus, but focus nonetheless.
Watching anime and stuff? Just requires you to watch the screen. That said, that also requires you to focus, so there were a LOT of days where watching stuff didn't work, either, and couldn't hold the attention it needed to.
And those days SUUUUUUCKED.
Like, curled up in a ball on the couch being shredded alive by depression sucked.
0/10 would not recommend.

But that was pretty much the entirety of 2024.
Sometimes, there was art.
Sometimes.
Very rarely.

2025

By now I had assumed my depression would be gone, or well on it's way out.
I was wrong. :3
It had improved... a TINY smidgeon. But when you are feeling goddamn awful like that, it feels like a leap.
Seriously, it does. When things are so bad, the tiniest improvements can feel like giant steps forward.
I had some waves of being better that showed up a few times during the year, and that is when I could do art. They didn't last long, usually a few days to a couple of weeks.
And I made the big stupid mistake of opening commissions during the April Wave, thinking that my art was finally on the up (despite the fact I had a couple of these waves prior, it's like you don't seem to realise this until it happens a few times).
So as of the 13th of February, I still have 3 arts to complete on that basis. Luckily, the two who are still waiting are so awesome and are willing to wait.
People can be so frickin' awesome and understanding.
In addition, I had a string of arts that remain unfinished from the past year or so. Sooo... xD
But all in all, 2025 was significantly better than 2024 by comparison. Still sucked a lot, but when it feels like it was way better than what came before, well... I guess that says a lot about the previous year. xD

2026 (aka this year)

I seem to have come into 2026 with an interesting function, where I don't need to be experiencing a much higher degree of all-round goodness and happiness in myself to do art.
That's right, people, it appears that I have entered a new phase where I can do art without having to wait for any "waves", although I am being very cautious, just in case that in itself is some kind of wave... xD
Anyway, I have been able to, kind-of, be able to work on art while in a more... current-neutral depression state. The work progress is extremely sluggish, but it appears to be more consistent.
There are a lot of stops and starts during an arting session, but the art sessions are more, shall we say, frequent and... stable....ish?
I do find, however, once I finish an art piece, I end up exhausted for the next few days.
So while my capability to art has improved, it takes a lot out of me, and I need to recharge for a bit.
But hey, that is way better than it was, so I can only be happy about that! :3

What I am optimistic about this year...

Honestly, I expect my capabilities to art and hold myself capable of doing art on an increasingly stable manner to improve over this year, so I am optimistic in my assumptions that my art should increase this year as well.
I don't push myself, though. But I do give myself nudges. And if it doesn't work out well for me at the time, I abscond and try again later/another day.
I don't see my depression clearing up significantly enough to return to normal life anytime soon. But I sure as hell ain't gonna stop myself from at least trying to do stuff if I can. >:3

Tarri out. For now.