my first FA journal, it’s weird that i’m making such a big deal out of it when it never really mattered at all. typing on an iphone keyboard is really not how i imagined i’d be doing this but i guess that’s how we’re going with it...

The entire event started off with a dream i had, i ended up renting a place for some great fursuiters. All of them were humble, and they all represented something i saw in my life. i saw a character for the furry community, something still very new to me, i saw a character for my friends and all those close to me, everyone i’ve interracted with, and the rest are a blur now. I had done a few things in this dream before returning to my room, when the fursuiter, of whom, represents all those i’ve talked with, walks over to me and she thanks me.

You might be wondering “what’s wrong with her thanking you?”. I always have and always will see myself as some bad guy for my views on life. I’ve been nothing but a punk and a villian in my eyes, and yet... this person, the embodiment of everyone i’ve met and talked to, thanked me... I absolutely hate myself, yet all these people thank me and call me nice.
I don’t know if i should hate it or love it...

When she thanked me, my thoughts were flooded with everyone i have ever met, i collapsed to my knees and just started crying. It was all i could do, all i can do still. I don’t think i’ll ever know why people say i’m nice, i’m really not... I’m just some disgusting slob of a person, all i do is ridicule and make fun of things that are serious, because i know it’s inescapable, and that i will face the same ridicule and shame... Yet, despite me being such an awful person, my own thoughts of the people i’ve met betrayed me, and they thanked me.. instead of doing what i would do, they did something positive. I don’t think i will ever understand anything, both in and out of reality. this world is the blankest slate of learning that we can ever manage to come to across, we’re going to forever be trapped learning more and more, generation after generation, lesson after lesson. And like in Rousseau’s understanding of society, overtime, what we have learned over generations will be broken down and crumbled over time.

I don’t get it anymore

-P.S lots of typos because iphone keyboard