I'm new here. I have a lot that i've kept inside of me for so long. the book of fake faces isn't ready to handle this from me yet.
I don't even know where to start. I don't know which direction to go. My heart and head are so heavy from all the things in my life.
I feel the lowest I've ever felt in my life at this point. I don't know how to handle this.
I've survived countless things. Stupidity, growing up, the marines, Iraq, my own thoughts. Which it's getting to the point that I'm losing that battle. It's been a long time since my thoughts have gone so far down into the darkness. which always wants to consume me. These days, I almost welcome it. To fully let go. but I've never been able to accept that easy of a way. I've always been a fixer. never a fighter.
but I've always been at odds with myself for that. I've been walked on, put down my entire life. I then being angry have done it in turn to other people, which as always, made feel horrible. I carry that guilt with me even now. Things so small that happened when I was 16. I know dumb right. I don't think so. I should have been the better person. I should have been the man I was meant to be.
This must sound like idle ramblings from someone who's slipping off the edge of sanity.

I keep typing this like someone will read it. I didn't want to write it this way. I wanted to write it to myself. for it to be true and honest. Instead it's more geared for an essay without any organization to it. whatever, maybe one day. maybe when I get my thoughts straight....haha, that dream has been slipping further and further away from me as time goes on. my thoughts are getting more and more scrambled as the days keep going. I can't keep focused. I can't keep a single thought in my head for more then say 12 minutes. I want to let go of all my secrets. I want to feel relief. I have felt pain and disappointment for far too long.
I always feel like i'm convincing people. I never have felt like someone has believed in anything I've said. It doesn't help how I talk about things. I kid around and people think I'm talking down to them. fine by me.
I don't know what else to put here. I suffered in silence and smiled and tried to enjoy what I could. now.............I don't know what to do with myself.
sincerly,
running on empty.