Heya, been quite a while since I last posted a journal here. I don't really do this super often huh? I don't know whether I should consider that a good thing or a bad thing based on what I usually post on here, I'll let you be the judge.

So yeah, this is just gonna be another rambling, ranting and raving type of journal. (Now that I type that out I really should try more positive journal ideas for the future. But I'm not sure I really have the active enough follower base to justify that.)

I've been thinking more and more these days about myself, a lot of my most profound insecurities and weaknesses that plague me. Usually related to social anxiety, feelings of inadequacy...the whole nine yards. It's hard for me to really be forthcoming, honest or succinct with putting my thoughts down onto digital paper so forgive if parts of this journal don't make a lot of sense.

Socially I still suck, that really hasn't changed since the last journal. I'm still wrought with anxiety and pervaded by intrusive thoughts whenever I think about trying to branch myself out to meet new people. I did try once, that didn't work out. Putting it REALLY mildly. So ever since then I have thought about trying again only to end up putting it off in favour of the safety and security of isolation. At least the air isn't capable of causing me harm...unless of course it's filled with carcinogens, then it's definitely not good to breath. But even in the rare attempts I try to expand roots over to new people that usually ends up with me retracting them at the slightest hint of discomfort. Which any seasoned extrovert would probably tell you isn't going to help in that regard, I wouldn't know for real. I'm not an extrovert. And the one I talk to has usually expended my social energy for the day before I can really be encouraged to put myself out there.
Sure, I do try to leave comments here and there to see if that makes someone's day. It does most of the time but other times it's as if you never said anything at all, which can be a bit disheartening.

Learning new things is something I'm very weirdly apprehensive about doing. Which you wouldn't have assumed if you knew me back in high school, I used to be extremely confident and passionate about learning new things. But now, I'm the total opposite. I think I largely blame University for that one, it really burnt me out and I think it destroyed my patience and interest in trying to expand my skillset. Like art, drawing etc, I find it difficult to justify even spending an hour trying to improve my ability to make art. It's not like they're bottom-of-the-barrel Deviantart levels of bad either but I still get an intense feeling of imposter syndrome about my own abilities. So it seems to be on the permanent backburner until I vaguely remember it's something I wanted to do. Kinda tempted to take the title of "Amateur artist" out of my page.

Then there's the intrusive thoughts, another major deterrent to socializing, improving myself or...just about anything. Even my day to day seems to be affected by them.

They always tell me I'll never be good enough, not for people I want to get to know (they already have good people surrounding them that are better than anything I could offer, you're not worth their time), not for anything I try to spark a passion for to make a hobby out of (your attempts are futile and the desire is fleeting, it will amount to nothing) and not for just for the thought of at least trying. (It won't be worth it.)

And believe me, ignoring them and trying to prove them wrong is easier said to me than done. It's easy to say they're wrong, it's not to believe they're wrong.

So what am I to do about them? Each problem I've outlined I very clearly am able to recognize as problems. But the bigger issue that when it comes to making an attempt and creating an approach to tackling them:

I have no fucking clue.

Not one. I don't know what on earth I can possibly do to fight back against these things. They seem like cosmic deities to me, immortal and nigh undefeatable.


I think I'll leave it there, I kinda just wanted to get all this down somewhere. Not really sure what else to really do or say about this other than just sleep on it. Maybe it's bones will break.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Feel free to leave your input if you feel like. Hope you're having a better day than me.