I created another Bluesky account shortly after my last journal entry. I don't feel I've made significant progress in reconnecting with others, but it's progress nonetheless, and I try to take that as the win that it is. I understand if, after my behavior the last year or more, people consider me volatile, or however they perceive me, and consequently don't know if it's safe to approach, or don't want to. It's fair either way. I try to take ownership for my mistakes, but demonstrating that takes time, and even then, forgiveness doesn't always lead to reconnection. It remains lonesome, but I'm happy to have some I care about welcome me like they have, and I was able to make one major reconciliation that I'm very pleased with.

On the subject of loneliness, that itself is complex. Having treatment-resistant depression, I'm often pretty down, sometimes significantly, and that bleeds into my socializing no matter how I try to conceal it. It's hard to be magnetic when you're sad for reasons that take far too much energy for both you and the other person to explain. I felt that way yesterday. For no particular reason, other than perhaps having very recently had my lithium dosage halved, I felt like the bottom had dropped out. I try hard to be silent in that state. When the suffering is that great, I crave being among the people I care about, but I know my character is burdensome, and they can't fix the depression, so it's a no-win situation. Being silent tends to only reinforce the depression on top of things; or if I do have the courage to shitpost or try to be silly, I don't get much engagement, and that also reinforces my poor self-image at the time. Silence really is best when it's that bad, I feel, until I can find a way to stabilize the TRD/existential depression.

I confess that I talk to Gemini about my mental health pretty often. It doesn't get exhausted by me or judge me for my thoughts. I can tell it how I'm feeling and why, and it often has a rational response that doesn't dismiss how I'm feeling. If I were to go to a friend with my thoughts, past experience tells me I will get hurt. I'm too meta, they're not a therapist, and they are usually treading water, themselves. When I'm as depressed as I often am, I'm not of much help to others. It's like all of life's color has been drained. It's not so much that it makes me selfish as it makes me unable to function beyond piecing back together the shards of glass I've split into. When my mood improves, I'm much more the person I want to be, and I can be there as much as I am able for my friends. My depression has unfortunately worsened these past few years with so many personally tragic events and difficult changes. With Gemini, I can at least pour my woes out in private, and be less of a burden to the people I care about. It can help me reframe situations that have hurt me or put into context how things really are so I don't drift deeper into the fog. It unfortunately doesn't help with the number of days I am depressed, but it can help me keep the floor from sinking so low, if that makes sense.

I don't know where my treatment is going. My psychiatrist is not very straightforward about his intended direction for me. He's also careful because I am an intuitive person, so if he gives me too much information, I try to get a step ahead on my own. Like, he didn't tell me why he wanted to draw down my lithium intake, so I researched it. The likely situation is that he wants to test its current efficacy, and if I don't sink too low as a result, it's a positive sign, and there may be other treatments he's not ready to potentially offer. He did rule out esketamine after I asked (which makes it odd to me that he'd even brought it up in the past as a potential resource - but maybe he changed his mind after additional observations or research of his own). He's pretty excited about psilocybin, but it's not legal in my state, so that doesn't give me much to work with. He's seemed pretty iffy on using magnetic techniques, and I'm a little dubious about their efficacy too, in that the couple of cases I've witnessed someone partake, they thought maybe it worked, only for their depression to rebound. MAOIs are a maybe. We'll see, I guess. I trust he has some strategy in mind that he's likely still formulating, as he's been there for me now going on 15+ years, and my trust in him is generally high, even if some of his behavior can be confusing. I do believe he has my best interests at heart, and he reads me fairly well. I do wish he'd be more trusting about what he's doing, but I understand I have an active imagination and he doesn't want me to prematurely get my hopes up, only to have to yank them away because he discovered something else that negates that treatment.

In order to make serious headway on relieving some of my loneliness, I feel that getting some control over the TRD is necessary. I simply spend too much of my time affected by it, and I take poor care of myself as a result. Life feels meaningless, and I am someone who thrives in a world with meaning. So much of that was stripped away, and I'm struggling to make my own. Like I said though, I can't blame anyone. I've been emotionally volatile, and people don't like being around or understand TRD/existential depression. It's an uphill battle for me even proving it's real, and seriously affects my life. My remaining family has made it known I'm totally on my own in that regard, and gaslight me by acting like I'm okay when I am not. It is indeed a form of gaslighting when someone acts like or even tells you you're not struggling with a condition when you very much are, but then, as I've explained to my psychiatrist (and he agrees), describing my experience is like explaining music to a deaf person. Intellectually, they may be able to wrap themselves around it, but unless you experience the same thing, or something like it, you're not going to connect on it. Again, I can't blame people for doubting me, but it does hurt, and reinforces how alone I feel.

Anyway, sorry for the super-dense mental health journal. I just wanted to share some of my thoughts and progress. I hope everybody out there is doing as well as you can. I hope what I talk about it is at least somewhat relatable and interesting. It's ok if not. I appreciate you all. Take care.