It wasn't intended as a resolution, but at the start of the year, I decided the time was overdue to remove myself from social media. I had debated the issue with myself for a very long time, so although the deletion of my accounts across multiple platforms may have seemed sudden to some who know me, it was a deliberate choice, and one I largely do not regret.

For me, and I know I am far from alone, the atmosphere on social media has long since shifted from being a fun place to make friends and stay in touch into a desolation of addiction, and even a kind of unintentional or blind rivalry, where the compulsion to overshare and constantly update supercedes many of our better angels. It had become detrimental to my mental health, and like all addictions I've put aside, I cannot taper or do things in partial measure.

It hurts me to throw away so much of what I had invested myself in. The decision was agonizing, and I still wonder if I made the right choice, but I stand by it. I still don't know what I want for myself, or what is even realistic in a hyper-connected world that expects you to participate through specific channels, all of which I have divorced myself from. I cannot help how I am perceived, but my intention in leaving social media was not intended to alarm or hurt anyone, including myself.

Exit wounds are often inevitable, and actions invariably leave ripples. In deleting everything, I forced myself into solitude, and in solitude I am able to listen to myself. It is indeed lonesome, but peaceful, and at least for now, necessary. I don't reach out to people, nor do many reach out to me, and that's okay. I'm not big on small talk, and rarely do others truly connect with the subjects and ideas that inspire and excite me. I spend a lot of my time researching various subjects and simply thinking, in order to better understand myself and my direction from here. What do I really want? What matters? The last several years have been full of heartache and personal upheaval, so what's realistic is a variable that remains difficult to square.

Silence is a form of strength. Few relish the thought of being alone, let alone as a lifestyle choice, and yet, as much as we fear it, there comes a time in each person's life where we encounter a reckoning, and solitude is often one. I choose solitude for my personal development, though how that manifests I have to decide. I have taken small steps toward working on personal creative projects I have long put off that do not find a neat home here in the fandom. Beyond those, I do not intend to be solitary forever. This is the most visible I have been since I made my choice, so perhaps I am more ready and knowing than I credit myself.

Last summer, when I had some personal epiphanies which led to where I find myself today, I changed my character's namesake from Seph to Dawn. My identity otherwise remains the same, and although Dawn is generally understood to be a feminine name, I do not consider myself transgender. What drew me to the name was the symbolism. Seph is a name I did not choose for myself. It was, in essence, assumed. I wanted a name that more closely aligned with my aspirations, and the symbolism of the dawn was striking. The dawn is the moment where darkness breaks and gives way to the light. Moreover, it is a transmutation of the spirit, and as one who has wrestled with darkness throughout his life, as we all do, I found a profoundness and pride in naming myself after that moment. It was not to declare myself the dawn, but to integrate the darkness I had endured, and not refuse it. We are all light and shadow. I acknowledge and revere my shadow for the lessons it has taught, but I aspire toward the light. This was not a name I assumed. It was one that I earned and chose.

Each day, I struggle with treatment resistant depression, which regularly manifests as existential depression. My struggle is often doubted and at times denied, leaving few who understand the depth to which it impairs me. It impairs my choices and judgment, my action and inaction, and is no longer one I choose to let play out freely in front of others. In such cases, one must be a curator of their own thoughts, and choose much more carefully what they share. Social media is not an appropriate venue for someone now in middle age to pretend he is still the same carefree sort, ignorant to his own afflictions and the cost they incur upon himself and others.

I hope, in time, I will understand my needs and take the appropriate steps towards happiness and health. Perhaps unseen opportunities will arise the more I continue to understand and develop myself. Everything is possible. In the meantime, I have made solitude my primary choice, and I still have work to do. I may share some of myself here, if I deem it appropriate, but do not expect the same material as before. I also do not mean to be cold if I do not respond, here or otherwise. I don't mean to sound unwelcoming, but I do want to set appropriate expectations. I'm not ready to be regularly social. If I am, I would much prefer it on a more intimate level, and ideally among friends who can relate to my experience. I mostly expect to be alone, and that's okay.

I wish you all well.