Well, when I was a boy growing up in Scotland, I once asked myself what my greatest ambition was. Since they don't want white people to play the black power ranger, I decided I would learn how to play the tubular bells. First, I went down to the harbor next to our castle...well, it was more of a big box that the nuclear plant gave us (my sister had a tail and seventeen toes! Even so, we were the most envied of the box-people colonies. How many people can find a box that has four rooms?) Anyway, I made my way to the harbor to find my friend Ray, who worked there selling sandwitches. He didn't have the information that I needed, but did offer me some stock in something called a 'McDonalds.' I politely refused, and was on my way to the next ship when a roving band of gremlins (or were they leprochauns?) kidnapped me and took me to their lair, which at the time was nothing more than an old volkswagon van (and who ever heard of those at the time, anyhow?) but they told me that it was going to get a new shade of paint one day. Inside they had a waterbed, which was pretty cool considering it was a car. They let me go when I offered a yo-yo, so I was kind of upset they didn't even offer me some chicken fried steak, which was popular at the time. Well, on my way back to the harbor I met up with a girl named Olga Von Strappenstaff, who took me to the land of America. I don't remember the voyage at all, so don't ask me why I landed in Oregon dressed in a gorilla suit. Well, Olga was gone, anyway, so I made a vow to never again give in to the temptations of the Dutch. I was pretty flustered as I moved through the redwood forest in Oregon, tourists trying to shoot me and all. Well, I came to this one group, who aimed their lasers at my torso and were about to fire when a gang of Sasquatch attacked them and took me away. I didn't dare take off the gorilla suit, for fear that the bigfoots (bigfeet?) would pummel me with their tape measures. (Still haven't figured out the purpose of those yet, by the way.) Well, the six or five of us came to a big space ship that I was rudely pushed into and flown away in. They offered me a drink from a bowl that I took for a hat at first, except I wondered why it was filled with the strange liquid. Not wanting to catch the flu or anything (for I had seen the others take big, slobbery drinks from the hat-bowl), I held the thing on my lap as we were absorbed into the mother ship. Well, we all got off and came up to this big door gaurded by two yetis wearing dark sunglasses. We got admitted into some fancy doin's, I suppose, cause on the main deck the captain had apparently gotten a party started and all the bigfeets were jamming to what I took for Yoko Ono. 'Kees, Kees, Kees, Kees me LAV!! Just, one, Kees will DO!!' And I kind of felt a revelation there that I shouldn't subject such a high species to what they must be taking for high-society culture tunes. I decided I would stand up and say 'Look, you've all been fooled! These words are a lie! This lady destroyed the Beetles!' And I really was, too, but then I saw that they had a plate of little debbies out and I thought, 'Oh well, Yoko aint all bad.' I went for the oatmeal cream pies, but was shoved rudely up to the captain, standing in front of a outrageously oversized control panel. He had on a leisure suit and a martini in one hand and after a moment I realize that it's actually my friend Ray, from the boat. 'You really blew it, you know,' he said. 'All this could have been ours if you had agreed to give in stock for my McDonalds idea.' And I was about to ask who the heck this McDonalds guy was (since Ray's last name was Krock) when I saw that he was wearing my mutant-sisters hairband! Instantly I realized what must have happened in my absence: Ray took my sisters hairband to become a Transvestite working in Amsterdam, after which his career took off and he invented a new species of creatures called Sasquatch, and was made their king. I was so mad that he had become involved with the Dutch that I threw the hat-bowl at him. I missed horribly, hitting the giant control board instead and he roared, 'My ship! You've ruined it!' To which I replied, 'How did you know it was me under the gorilla suit, anyway?' and he said, 'Oh you still do that weird thing you do.' And I was about to ask one of the bigfeets if they were going to finish thier little debbie when the ship blew up. Luckly, we were close to the ground, so upon reentry I didn't burn up but my gorilla suit melted to my body. I landed in Hollywood, where some hotshot producer guy asked if I had a job and wanted to be the black power ranger. And I was like, sounds cool but I need to check with my agent first. (I didn't really have an agent, but I had heard the line in movies before.) Well, I got the job, and was living my dream. That is, until Power Rangers Turbo came out and got the original cast fired. So, I prowl the bars of Paris at night, telling people that I was once the black power ranger, but no one believes me.

By the way, my sister and my old pal Ray are getting married in November.

Who knew that the reason he had the hairband was because they were dating?