Soooooo...six months since my last journal, huh?

Yeahhhhh~ I did want to try to keep up with these a bit more, but if you haven't noticed, since I did re-do everything regarding myself (https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/11143752/) and my lore, etc., I've been -very- busy in trying to write and get art done of my new lore. I've been wanting to bring it to life! Because I ain't just keeping this shit locked in my head. It's become one of the most important things in my life now, so I want to share it as much as I can. Hell, I even picked up some art skills (or well, am still trying to.)

Anyway, it's the end of the year. A lot has happened in the past 30 days. Like, -A LOT- So let's go over some stuff.

I won't lie, this journal is gonna have a few ups and downs.

-The Boot or "How To Get Fired Over The Course Of Two Years"

Sooo, I worked in the govt. Not really doing much special, but I worked in an environment that, let's say, was a bit -toxic-. And I mean, the entire govt in the US especially these days is a BIT more than toxic lately (bit of an understatement too). But, a while back, I finally pissed someone off enough over a small issue that it got turned into this whole song-and-dance routine that ended up with the promise of my termination.

Unfortunate, since this was a career move I made, but frankly, I would have put in my resignation anyway after the election anyway, so yeah, I guess it was going to happen anyway.

However, this being the govt, in order to actually get fired for realz, shit had to go through a whole lotta paperwork, up and down various bureaucratic chains. So, yeah. Timing-wise, shit was all up in the air as to when I'd get fired and in the meantime, since January 2024, I've been stuck in an office with a "do-nothing and sit here and think about how much you suck" kinda desk job. Which, I was very thankful for! I had been going through the final legs of my divorce and then the post-divorce stuff happened. I had to spend a lot of personal time thinking about my life afterwards, who I was, where I was going, etc., while also paying off $36k worth of debt. Fun! Still have about $60k worth to go, thanks to school loans and some other life shit, but whatever.

Much like in the journal I linked above, I also went through a period that was a bit of a...less of a panic attack ,but more of an epiphany. My husband, Shard, calls it a moment of "self-actualization", which is something that's very rare for people to actually go through and was a really good thing for me, to really realize who I was and what I wanted to do with myself. More on this later though.

I was thankful for the time to pick up the pieces of my life, but unfortunately, was not really able to devote much funds to savings, since, aside from the usual monthly bills and some cash for art, esp this year, most of my funds were going towards paying off my debt. Cool, 36k knocked out in the course of over two years.

However, because of this, I still am out of a car (got a license, but just an ebike), since I lost the car in the divorce. But it's still easy for me to get around where I live rn in downtown.

Since this whole debacle started too, I was informed I would get 60 days worth of notice when they finally pulled the trigger and would get me out. But then the govt shutdown happened and I guess something got lost in translation during that time, because...

Of COURSE, shortly after I had bought a new PC for Black Friday (right before all the RAM fuckery started because of AI bullshit), I received notice that I was getting canned in 30 days. In December. You know, one of the months that it's hard to get shit done in, because of all the federal holidays.

This has lead to a lot of saving cash and thankfully, I should be fine for the new few months, were it not for a few slight issues...

-The job market is complete dogshit rn
-I can actually work in a different federal job, but the problem is, the federal job market is cooked with everything that's going on with the current administration, so the easiest career transition for me is dead
-Local govt is very slow to respond to any applications
-And I'm in that weird sort of "middle management" position. Basically, while I have a degree in IT, I hate IT and most of my experience is in Project Management + admin + operations, etc. Unfortunately, most management jobs of that caliber nowadays require more and more specialized experience on top of your project management qualifications, so I am somewhat lacking in options and, no, I do not have the money, time or funds to go back to school.
-OH and also my lease is up this month so I either have to vacate in 2 months or test my luck with getting a job here in x amount of months. Probably about 3-4 months. Unemployment is also -LAUGHABLE- in my state, so that's not really going to help sadly + I need my meds in order to be a person.

SO, YEAH, it's not going well, chat. Kind of a lot of everything that happened all at once.

Since I'm long-distance due to work and life bullshit, my husband's family has been gracious to offer, unprompted even, to allow me to stay with them while I get back on my feet, but that would require a huge multi-state trip + I would also be stuck in an area that's much more difficult to get around with, without a car, versus downtown where i live rn. So, I would lose a lot of agency and privacy. Much as I would love to also be with my husband physically (he's down there while finishing school.)

So, I've been blasting out application after application and while I finally got A interview after like...10 or so (A ratio that I've heard is really good compared to others, which is a thought that terrifies me), we still don't have a job yet, thanks to this short notice + any jobs I have had with a decent salary that can support...you know...LIFE, have been few and far between.

Now, look, I'm not one of those guys that is like "oh man, I need to work to feel good about myself" in the capitalist machine. I'm a guy that just works to get a salary and go home to jerk off to dragon feet/maws and self-fellatio myself over my gothic story, but I kinda feel like shit lately because of the fear that I may not be able to support ANY kind of lifestyle soon enough.

Oof

Yeah, it ain't been good. Ngl, my mental has been in the absolute shitter lately.

I've been very on-edge due to all of this crap above hanging over my head and I seem ready to explode at the slightest thing. I've had a few moments with friends that I really quite regret because I just am so hair-trigger temper these days and I am honestly not doing great with social interactions, since I just feel so...anxious. "Frustrated" is probably a better term. I'm not the kinda guy that likes to sit around when there's a problem on the horizon. I like to get it handled so I don't have to worry about it. And while I know there's only so much I can do, that isn't really gonna make the problem go away, heh. Not really enjoying most video games either rn, but I only feel like I'm still playing them/ hanging on voice because, I dunno, no one else I hang with regularly has their own hobbies they're super deep in, so I need to show up and hang out in some capacity.

My creatives honestly has been the only real thing these days that has been able to get me to kinda calm down. Especially with writing. I put a lot of myself into my writing and it's why I hold it with such high regard, because it's important to me. Learning how to do art has been fun (if not a bit arduous), and I want to get back into other things like music and such. Even when I do get a new job, I still plan on doing what I do, because it makes me happy.

I guess I worry that I am also not very..."good" at being social either. I went to MFF this year (tickets and hotel were already paid for so fuck it, I would have lost money if I didn't go), and I hoped it would have been good for me, but I really had a shit time. Didn't feel like I was really connecting with most people and just kinda felt like I was just...there. It sucked. I wasn't happy. I honestly kinda hated it. Just a lot has been hanging over my head ever since this whole shitshow started at the beginning of the month and it's lead my brain down some darker than usual places I havent thought of in a long, long time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have been able to see my husband and my close friends! I just...yeah. It wasn't a good time. I def want to keep going to cons, but I'm ngl, being 0-3 on cons (MFF 2024/Megaplex 25, I got super-sick at and was out half the time for it + this whole shitshow during this MFF) has really put me in a sour mood. I'm hoping that once things get stable again in life (if they ever do, LMAOOOO), that I can be able to just -exist-, but yeah.

-But...-

Aight, that's enough doom and gloom. There is something very important to add to all of this, that I would be an utter fool if I didn't think on it.

I genuinely HAVE turned myself around as a person. I said in that linked journal and even reading the one prior to it, that I wasn't really comfortable with myself as a person for a long time and I wanted to change that. And...I think I have.

I've been more..."okay" with "me", than I ever have in my entire life this year. I've had people say that I seem more at peace with myself, because I just went "fuck it", ripped the bandaid off, tore everything down that I wasn't happy with about myself, when it came to being "Raix", and just focused on what I wanted to do, for me. To make me happy. And...gods, I am.

I have not felt this creatively fulfilled my whole life. I have not felt like I have had a purpose my whole life, until I finally realized what I wanted to write and who I wanted to write about, the "real" Raix.

I look back at the start of the year and I see a completely different person. I look at all the notes I've written. All the lore, all the timelines, an entire world that I have created in my writing, a book I actually want to write, short stories I want to publish...I feel...great about that.

I managed to get all five of my main characters drawn this year. Not even just stuff with Raix as his newer self, but my other characters that mean so much to me (Especially Raigengrau, god, I am so happy that so many people like, what is essentially a chaotic gremlin shitpost version of Raix) I can't stop thinking about it. I wish I could share more about it with people. It genuinely overjoys me to talk about it and share ideas with other writers or creatively inclined people. It feels GOOD.

Better than I ever could have hoped.

I just kinda wish all the other shit in my life would kinda settle down and get better. But...I never would regret what I've done with myself. I feel amazing with what I've done with my creative work. <3

-...And Many More

So, yeah! Def a bit of a roller coaster. Life is a bit both shitty rn, but I also look back on all that I have accomplished for myself, as a writer and for me, this year and I am absolutely breathless. I am so overjoyed with what I've done and I intend to continue this streak, for as long as I can, until the day that I die.

I've been working on a new fic that is going to be absolutely huge and wild, I've been still learning art-stuff, been wanting to get back into voice and music work and I hope to also do a bit of 3d modeling and game dev too! And hopefully, if everything falls into place, I can be able to continue to share great ideas and cool commissions of stuff from my setting and of my characters.

And of all things, I definitely hope to get a partial fursuit of Raix and a full suit for Raigengrau one day! Though, that will def take some time, after life settles a bit, you know?

I'm in my mid 30s. Gonna turn 35 next year and I feel...more alive than ever, when it comes to being me. When it comes to being Raix.

I may not have all the time in the world left, but I will do whatever I can to share the story of Raix, a vampire dragon who seeks to turn his own tragedy into a triumph.

From the ebon spires of Leudracyte Academy, I wish you all another wonderful year!