Today we salute you, Mr. Maximum Character Limit. You live your profiled life with complete confidence that all your Internet pals know every random ounce of your being, right down to your favorite brand of toothpaste and your blood type. You don't hit that submit button until you've covered every boring detail of your life since last Tuesday, because chances are that you can't remember anything further back. And, with obvious concern for your buddies who at least have the courtesy to pretend to care, you always make sure to include your birthday in hopes of receiving a virtual cheesecake celebrating the day the doctor slapped your parents.

With your little rectangular About Me section, you say more than, "My name is [insert name of your choice here]" —you proclaim, loud and clear, that you are not fit for life on this planet. So type up another paragraph of autobiography Mr. Self-Absorbed, because next time we need an online newsflash, the sob-story that is your pitiful existence is only a click away.