How do you wrap your head around the betrayal of everyone you once held close and dear?

I know things will get better for me, but I am starting to realize I chose quantity over quality for friends. And a lot of "friends" liked me when I was a pushover, doormat, someone without their own opinions and thoughts.

Its hard to comprehend and settle with that idea, that the life I was living was a lie beforehand. I lived a lie and centered my life around someone who did not love me, but instead loved the idea of me, and how he could mold me into this perfect person and partner that would serve his every whim. No one actually understands what happened behind closed doors, and it doesn't matter. Those people who don't hear out my perspective are not my friends. I deserve better friends than the trash that defended someone who physically hurt me, alongside the emotional and mental anguish.

It sucks because that is the reoccurring pattern in my life: accepting terrible treatment from others because I was a pushover. I accepted people treating me terribly because that's what I thought I deserved, and I was so scared to be alone. I knew I would be cast away if I made my own path. I was too scared to ride it solo. Everyone makes you feel like you have a purpose by relying on friends, family, a partner. That's why I stayed as long as I did. I did not have the positive self worth or self esteem to leave back in college when my trust was broken, for instance, from my best friend. And I tolerated a lot of bullshit, controlling, manipulative and abusive behavior from a person that was supposed to protect me. Everyone who knows me, back in college, and saw our relationship firsthand, agreed with me that this person is abusive. And I cut those people off when I was in denial about the abuse.

I thought I could trust someone who was there for me for so long. But I think moving to Denver, I realized this was a partner that never loved me to begin with. He just liked how I served his life and made everything comfortable for him. Wasn't there for me when times were tough, only liked me when im beautiful, skinny, with makeup and a dress on. I was truly myself in the first few years but I slowly lost self worth the more and more he did to me. I was in denial someone would actually treat me this terribly.

I am hopeful for the future, and know now not to let everyone in my life. Everyone does not have good intention. I attracted terrible, abusive people because of my lack of boundaries over the years. I was Pavlovian conditioned to serve my partner, because that's all I had to live for, and he reinforced that methodology and thinking when I was back in NY as well. I just hope one day the friends who saw it back then, can forgive me. I'm sorry for not listening to you guys. I hope one day, I can find true friends like that again.