I dont completely know what to say with a title like that. It really speaks for itself in many ways. I guess context is always nice though.

I hate life so much. Not being alive and wah i want to cut myself and shit. Our parents, grandparents, and people in the 800B.C. all had it worse as you go back. Fucking hooray? What you want a cookie because you had it "harder"? Culturally, i'd love to get medieval. That's way easier than the complex emotions and environment everyone is bombarded with today. At least in my mind. I can understand monotonously splitting wood, or a trade skill for years and years with a drone like hell.

I PREFER IT over today is my point. Opportunity? Politics? Lack of suppression? I get it, people can talk their way into this hellish picture of how much I wouldn't have if we weren't here today. But I would have grown up then. Sure, to a privileged society like us, we think that those conditions are world breaking. Wouldn't say that if you grew up then and there there. Sure, the sheer act of me being able to type this digital word is privilege incarnate. BUT.... Does all of that mean I'm not allowed to feel? to have thoughts, to have a desire for purpose.

I just want to be a person. Someone that can be loved by others, but still be able to make an impacting positive change in the world. Cancer doesn't get cured with gumdrops and rainbows. Its years and decade of painful, often dead-ending trial and error with human lives. Can you be loved when you are exposed to harsh realities like that, and see the world in a much objective manner?

I am not sure. Part of me doesn't know what emotion really is, while the other part is screaming out in some kind of pain or anguish. I think i only truly feel in extremes. Other times, I can pick up on the slightest hint in body language. I dont get it. How can I see all this and not have a way to process it? I see the change. I think I interpret it with what people label it as. But, I feel the extreme ______ emotion that drives me insane. I want it to fill me and cry, scream, explode, and feel the earth absorb my pain as i lay on it. And then most of the time, i can only show filler expressions because it is not acceptable to be true.

People's truths are so vastly different. If we all lived out our own truth to the most full, this world would genuinely be chaos incarnate. The only thing that allows us to be a society is the decision to compromise on commonly agreed upon extremes. How can I really be me? Behind a closed door is how. Away from people in some tucked away private area of "do not disturb"-land.

I dont want to be behind a door. I want friends, I want to love them. I want to be loved by them. I want to be near and it be okay to do all of this and still be able to have a job and politically correct. It is just so impossible to be unique except in your own mind. Sure, nobody can take your mind, ideas, and feelings away from you. It's the true freedom everyone has. Well, that's a fancy damn way of saying you are a prisoner to your mind, and you best stay there. Express yourself at your own risk.

I do have so much love in me, and i am not sure how to show it. I never had the ability to show love in ways that people are receptive to. I can read a book or see someone else and mimic it. I don't know how to turn the extreme in me into a love for people to feel. So, i'm allowed to feel. But social rules tell me how I guess...